Just starting to hurt???? dyane: My ex husband and I separated in Feb 05 and the divorce was final in May 05. After the separation, my doctor prescribed Valium and Paxil to help with my depression and anxiety. I discontinued those meds in Dec. and I am just now starting to feel the pain of the divorce. However, since I seemed so calm and accepting in the months after the divorce, noone can understand why I am in pain now almost a year later. Even worse, the divorce was my fault. I totally missused my ex husbands credit cards and ruined his credit. I have apologized to him numerous times and am making monthly restitution payments. Since the divorce was brought on by my actions, absolutely noone has sympathy for me and perhaps that is what I deserve. I KNOW I was wrong. I guess I just felt that as his spouse I was entitled to buy things using the cards as long as I made the monthly payments. Yes I know that was stupid. I am still really hurt that he wouldn't even consider counseling or a trial separation. He allowed his mother to pay for a high priced attorney and I lost everything. My car, the house, my daughter. EVERYTHING. Now I am having a huge amount of trouble coping with the emotional pain but I refuse to get back on the Valium because of how highly addictive it can be. I know that I have to feel the pain and work through it in order to move on in life. BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO THAT. And the pain seems to grow worse every day.
Re: Just starting to hurt???? lookin4alite: Dyane,
First welcome to Ojar, you have come to the right place for support. Many have been where you are. You didnot have the pain back then cuz the drugs covered for the pain. Without the drugs you will be experiencing the loss, the pain and the angony but you will survive. Grief comes in many forms and we must all work through it. Start one day at a time. Focus on the things you can change and work to improve your basic life with you and your daughter. Continue to make financial restitution for your debt and begin to realize the emotional restitution you owe to your child and her father as well as the other relatives.
Take Care,
Lite
Re: Just starting to hurt???? jadedangel: [color=navy"> Owning up to one's mistakes is probably a huge step you are reaching. Of course we only know what you have told us ... but if things were really your fault --- have you stopped to deal with that? The money issue .. sounds like it is being worked out -- and I am sorry you have lost your daughter.
Yeah .. you do have to work out the pain .. without medication or you will never face it -- but don't be afraid to find mild mediations that will help .. There is soooo many others out there besides Valium. Work on counseling as well .. it generally makes a huge world of difference.
Each person goes through their pain differently .. but we are here for you to post to ... and let it out. Don't keep it in .. all it will do is build and create more pain than you ever imagined. Take steps to work back to a life you want. You can only start working up ... when your at rock bottom.[/color">
Re: Just starting to hurt???? flowersdirtandgardengirl: [quote author=dyane link=topic=24537.msg230512#msg230512 date=1138124260">
My ex husband and I separated in Feb 05 and the divorce was final in May 05. After the separation, my doctor prescribed Valium and Paxil to help with my depression and anxiety. I discontinued those meds in Dec. and I am just now starting to feel the pain of the divorce. However, since I seemed so calm and accepting in the months after the divorce, noone can understand why I am in pain now almost a year later. [/quote">
I won't argue that a Valium/Paxil cocktail did wonders to numb the pain. However, bear in mind that a certain period of shock and denial occur in separations and divorce. And for some, these periods last longer than others. I was in hyper survival mode when my break up first occured. I was in highly functional survival mode and everyone marvelled at how well I was coping. But it did hit me and it hit me hard and I felt embarrassed almost, like I had not only let myself down but everyone around me who thought I was "so strong".
[quote author=dyane link=topic=24537.msg230512#msg230512 date=1138124260">
Now I am having a huge amount of trouble coping with the emotional pain but I refuse to get back on the Valium because of how highly addictive it can be. I know that I have to feel the pain and work through it in order to move on in life. BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO THAT. And the pain seems to grow worse every day.[/quote">
For many of us here therapy, divorce books, self-help books, exercise, new hobbies, obsessive postings on OJAR ( ;) ) have been instrumental in the healing process. Ojar is so wonderful because pretty much everyone knows your pain, pretty much everyone understands you more than you often understand yourself. It is the largest group of unconditional sympathetic people I know of. So for me it helped to know that I didn't have to try to hide anything here from anyone, especially myself.
You've got to try to find your own coping mechanisms. For me it was hands down running and writing. And often obsessively for both. There were days when I would go running three times a day and would write litterally pages of crap that were pretty much incoherent babble. For me it was calling on my good friends and my family and getting outside.
This is the darkest hour. That sucks to know, but it also means it won't get any worse. Just hold on and keep posting.
Our light is always on here and someone is always home.
~gg
Re: Just starting to hurt???? dontgetit: I am going to come at this from a different angle - first off the divorce was absolutely NOT ALL YOUR FAULT....
You talk about credit cards etc - as his wife you had every right to use them (unless you were committing some kind of fraud).....On a monthly basis he should have seen what was going on......
IF his mother paid for a high priced attorney it sounds to me like some vengaence was going on - this is wrong........
When a child is involved there can be no winners and there should be no loosers........
I can understand why you took meds - now your job is to see things as they truly are.....Let me tell you I was convinced that my wife left because of me (it was all my fault syndrom) - let me tell you 3 months out and a good therapist and I KNOW it was not all my fault........
Go easy on yourself any man that would trash you over money (again unless you were committing fraud) is not worth having.........
In my situation I ended up going bankrupt trying to keep my wifes life as she wanted it - did she force me to NOOOOOO, but she sure did not try and stop me....
Look at the restitution you are paying, only you know if it is justified - but look at it clearly, sometimes when we are in guilt mode we see this toatally differently than we would otherwise - I am testiment to that, is it my fault she ran off with another guy NO, is it my fault she has ignored our daughter NO - point is I initailly thought it was and was actually telling her how sorrow I was.
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