Can't do it anymore... dragonfly: I just can't do it anymore. I can't pretend to be happy, confident, okay...I can't be pretend to have it together anymore...
It's been 5 months since the divorce was finalized. It's been a year since we seperated. It's been a year since he confessed about the affair. It's been a year since I found out she was pregnant. It's been 5 months since I found out the baby is his...and he's now got the son "we" always wanted. It's been 3 months since they moved to another state, started having a house built and seem to be moving on just fine.
But here I am, lost as I was a year ago. Still in pain, still hurting, still confused...trying desperately to hold onto the best parts of me, trying not to become bitter. My lease runs out in two months and I have no idea where I'm going to live. And all I can keep thinking about is that it's all his fault!!! We had a wonderful life, we were happy, we had a beautiful home...then he wanted to move for his job, so we did...then he went into a depression because the move wasn't all he had imagined it would be...found his comfort in the bottle and the arms of another woman and ripped my world, my life, my heart and my soul apart.
I miss my life, my home...I miss ME...
I have good friends, great family (even if they are far away), two precious dogs and so much going for me....I even talked myself and my therapist into believing I was doing well, coming along really well and I was so convincing for months. I wanted to be okay and "normal" again so bad...I was so tired of hearing myself talk about it, thinking about it, analyzing it...but I'm not okay, I'm not the same and I know I never will be. I use to be able to handle stress so well, now I just want to cry all the time. This situation with my lease is about to send me into a panic attack. I seriously don't understand how anyone can survive on one income where I live...I make a decent living, but can barely afford a one bedroom apartment.
If God's testing me...I'm failing miserably. I've started seeing my therapist again, but have been on the verge of tears all day and when I got home, just couldn't hold it together anymore.
Is my life going to be like this from now on...please tell me I'll find my way back to who I was, I liked that person...this new person is so defeated, so weak, so miserable....
Re: Can't do it anymore... reck: perhaps you are in my position and you were looking for that magic moment when (as some here state) you will "get over it" and time will heal.
Well I started to feel better when I came to the realisation that it was too big to get over…… it will always be a horror. So rather than look to it going away I have learned to live my new life around the little box of hell in the corner……sometimes opening it to have a peek but as time goes less tempted too. We are all different here, some weren't into the relationship as much as the initial pain indicated, some quickly found someone else to insulate them from the hurt, but some, like myself, it will never be an insignificant event in their lives……but you have just got to live around it.
Re: Can't do it anymore... dragonfly: Thanks Crush(ed) and Reck...
You're both right. I know that I have to come to terms with my new life and how all of this has changed me. I recently came to the realization that I will never love someone the way I loved him. He was my first true love...the one when I was still young, innocent and whole heartedly believed in the fairy tale...which I was blessed to have and live for 12 long years. Unfortunately for me...my heart and my innocence...the wicked evil queen came along and my fairy tale ended. I know I grieve the loss of my innocence...grieve the loss of the ability to fall in love like that again...sometimes I wish that I could physically take the pain and hurt out of my body and put it in a box in the corner. I'm learning...always trying...and some moments are better than others. This is one of my tougher moments...probably a stress induced episode...
But I knew coming on here to vent would be helpful and that there are always helpful people on here who are willing to give some words of encouragement...which is what I needed...thanks!
Re: Can't do it anymore... reck: [quote author=dragonfly link=topic=24563.msg230889#msg230889 date=1138152426">
I recently came to the realization that I will never love someone the way I loved him. He was my first true love...the one when I was still young, innocent and whole heartedly believed in the fairy tale...which I was blessed to have and live for 12 long years. Unfortunately for me...my heart and my innocence...the wicked evil queen came along and my fairy tale ended.
[/quote">
i wouldnt give up on love, the fact your mourning its loss badly shows that you value it in your life and eventially you will realise that he didnt deserve it and you wasted it on him.
I was of the same thoughts my self but its dawning on me slowly if i could have loved her.....i can love anybody ;D
Re: Can't do it anymore... dragonfly: [quote author=reck link=topic=24563.msg230912#msg230912 date=1138153108">
if i could have loved her.....i can love anybody ;D
[/quote">
Thanks for the smile Reck... :)
I don't know that I've given up on love entirely, but I have given up on feeling the same depth of love I did for him...I don't know that it's possible now...I think the love I felt was so innocent and pure...now that I know heartbreak at it's worst...I don't think I'll ever feel that type of love again. I do hope that I will fall in love again, but it's a scary thought to me right now...opening myself up to someone and the possibility of feeling that kind of pain and betrayal again.
I'm such a kid at heart and I want to believe in the fairy tale again...maybe a slightly altered version...but I still want it...the husband, the family, the home...but I feel like for now I have to be okay being alone.
A friend of mine once made me laugh one day by telling me it's like being size 2 for most of your life, then all of a sudden one day you wake up and realize you've gained 300lbs. If you'd always been 300lbs, you'd never know what you're missing...but because you were a size 2 once, you know and damn if you don't miss it. (We both have battled weight issues, not near 300lbs, unless we're combined, but we appreciated the analogy and it helped give us a chuckle when we needed one...she's divorced too)
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