At a loss...the mind of an ex... PickingUpThePieces: Well, it's been a rough 3 days and I'm in a tough spot. On Tuesday my stbx and I had a conference re: temporary alimony. Needless to say, the outcome did not go in his favor and he stormed out, saying he is losing everything. That was only the beginning...I've been dealing with the aftermath ever since.
He called me that afternoon...pretty much begging me to come back to him, how his life means nothing without me, he's hollow, can't exist without me...and said he feels this way not because of the conference outcome but he has been since we separated. (a little background - he left to go live with his ex-girlfriend from high school...also had angry outbursts and put me into a lot of debt).
He was also saying he wanted to die and thought of every possible way on his way home from the conference to try to kill himself. So I spent Tuesday talking him off the ledge, so to speak. I explained how I felt betrayed and lost my trust and didn't see how this would ever work, how he'd lied to me and how his behavior affected me. He pretty much was either hysterical or apologetic and said he's made huge mistakes and will do everything and anything to make it up to me.
So, I was and am really worried about his mental state. he's been calling ever since, emailing, sending Ims...it's all I've been dealing with the past few days, and I'm exhausted. Last night I told him I just can't go back...I am not ready to forgive. He seemed to understand and said he'd leave me alone...but then he called 11:30, still begging and pleading with me and went over every little detail of our relationship, what had made us...us.
I called his family yesterday to tell them about this...I said he's threatening to hurt himself and I'm afraid of him becoming obsessive about me. My sister-in-law talked to his brother and he and my husband went out to dinner last night to talk. I figured I had to involve them to pick up the pieces and be there to support him...it can't be all on my shoulders.
Needless to say, all of this has set me back in my "recovery" quite a bit...I can't sleep, lost my appetite, feel sick to my stomach...I am so drained. It's like he's living and dying on my word...and if I say or do the wrong thing he's going to hurt himself. I feel under pressure...I still care about him despite everything, but I can't go back.
I don't understand all of this either...where was he for 5 months??? He says he wanted to call long ago but was afraid.
Has anyone had an ex/stbx seemingly have regrets and do any of this? :-\
Re: At a loss...the mind of an ex... imisshim: my husband has not begged to come back YET... he will... he will.... ;)
but he did tell me the bit about wanting to call a long time ago but he was scared... this scared shit i dont understand.... umm if he can tell me he screwed somebody.... why cant he call???
i think i'd be more afraid of the first and not the calling.. oh well....
*sending hugs your way*
Re: At a loss...the mind of an ex... flyaway: [quote author=PickingUpThePieces link=topic=25037.msg236697#msg236697 date=1138969993">
He was also saying he wanted to die and thought of every possible way on his way home from the conference to try to kill himself. So I spent Tuesday talking him off the ledge, so to speak. I explained how I felt betrayed and lost my trust and didn't see how this would ever work, how he'd lied to me and how his behavior affected me. He pretty much was either hysterical or apologetic and said he's made huge mistakes and will do everything and anything to make it up to me.
[/quote">
I'm sorry PUTP....but my initial reaction to this post is one of suspicion. What I see here is a man who is manipulative, who is selfish....and a woman who bends into that behavior. You are now so worried and concerned for him. Naturally, you would be, mind you. BUT he is a big boy and made some wrong decisions that hurt you very badly. You are not responsible for him. When he broke his vows to you, he gave up that right to having you care about him.
I don't mean to come off as being harsh here....but all I see is a sea of red flags....this pattern of relating to each other.....him breaking things, and you picking up HIS pieces.....is not healthy. Unless you guys get some really heavy duty counselling and read up on co-dependancy.....I think that you will not be happy or fufilled in relationship with this man.
You know how we describe enablers in the context of alcoholism? I see this the very same way....(I know from personal experience) He is an emotional manipulator....a controller....and you have enabled him to be that way.....he needs to suffer consequences for his actions and his decisions....
Stop picking up his pieces!
Just my opinion.
Flyaway
Re: At a loss...the mind of an ex... PickingUpThePieces: I don't want to go back there...it was a horrible state to be in. The hardest thing I've ever had to do is break free of this man. To me it's behavior typical of an abuser...there is the abusive behavior, and then the intensely apologetic "I'll never do it again, I'm so sorry" state afterwards.
*sigh* Thanks for your replies imisshim and fly. Sometimes you just need to see another perspective in black and white.
Re: At a loss...the mind of an ex... flyaway: Hugs, PUTP.....I'm sorry that this is hard for you.....it's a learned behavior...and it isn't going to go away overnight....keep us posted, and we'll help you develop your TOUGH LOVE muscles in no time! :)
Flyaway
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