Re: At a loss...the mind of an ex... SayAnything89: hi, PUTP...
your post hit home with me because i am living it right now. i have not left my husband yet (this time)...but i have many times in the past. i always hear the sob story and how things will be different...he tells me whatever he thinks i need to hear to come back----and, stupidly, i believe him. things are ok for a little while, then the same crap starts happening all over again. my husband is an abusive, controlling alcoholic.
i do worry that he will harm himself when i leave. i feel extreme guilt about leaving him with nowhere to go and no family locally. i do care about him and don't want him to harm himself.
one of the things you expressed is EXACTLY how i feel right now "i still care about him, despite everything, but i can't go back." i plan on leaving as soon as possible, once i get some things in order...i will leave a note on the table (for my own safety) and get out of towm for awhile. i do not plan on talking to him----because he will only pile on the guilt about "what i've done to him"...he always forgets what he's done to me.
i just wanted you to know that i completely understand how you're feeling. if you'd like to PM me, feel free...
SayAnything89
p.s. in response to my story (post called "what do i do?"), one woman said something that really made me think---and i will repeat this sentence whenever i feel guilt...and what she said was "it was never your job to fix him in the first place." my new mantra...
Re: At a loss...the mind of an ex... lightseeker: Picking up the Pieces, Ouch. That has to be excrutiating. I've never been there, but my sister has. Her Ex hit her and threw her down a flight of stairs. She came out okay and left him. He threatened to kill himself but she stayed strong. In this case he ran his can into an overpass pylon but amazingly came out without serious injury. Then my sister found out she was pregnant. Reluctantly, she went back to him. Guess what? Then he freaked out and left her for another girl within weeks!!! I guess I'm trying to say that his mental problems do not need to be yours. You have tried hard, but you were not born to be a martyr. You need to wish him the very best and maybe consider dropping the alimony request in exchange for him agreeing to use that money for psych counseling. Or accept the alimony and pay for it yourself. That might make you feel as though you were overly fair and had done everything possible to help him, without sacrificing yourself. (I don't believe in alimony - I think it is an outdated concept - but that's another topic). Finally, and this is going to sound so mean. If he hurts himself, that's called evolution... All my best to you.
Re: At a loss...the mind of an ex... wendieann: [quote author=PickingUpThePieces link=topic=25037.msg236697#msg236697 date=1138969993">
Needless to say, the outcome did not go in his favor and he stormed out, saying he is losing everything.
He called me that afternoon...pretty much begging me to come back to him, how his life means nothing without me, he's hollow, can't exist without me...and said he feels this way not because of the conference outcome but he has been since we separated. (a little background - he left to go live with his ex-girlfriend from high school...also had angry outbursts and put me into a lot of debt).
[/quote">
My first thoughts when I read this was, he wanted you back BECAUSE his life isn't as rosey as he hoped it would be. :-\ I believe the conference was the reason he wants you back. After all, if it went good in HIS favor, ??? I doubt he would be calling you....
I suspect that when my STBXH and I have our conference and he realizes just like yours did, the same will happen to me... (ps. STBXH also left and moved in with OW immediately, and their bills are stacking up..)
After 5 months doing whatever with GF...and NOW he after meeting wants you back? ??? After living with her and being a couple... ?
That's JMHO, and I am fearful the same may happen to me too...so.. be strong. ;) I also still care about my STBXH, but we need to think of ourselves for a change....
Re: At a loss...the mind of an ex... bluskygrl: PUTP
I am sorry i know first hadn how hard this is to dealw ith. My stbxh has been battling mental illness for 3 years. And although never absuive I have spent a lot of time second guessing how my behavior might send him over the edge.
i too finally realized that I didn't break it and therefore I cannot fix it. Sendign him back to the loving arms of his codependent, enabling mother was the ebst thing I could have done.
Stay strong!
Blu
Re: At a loss...the mind of an ex... PickingUpThePieces: Thanks for your replies all....an update:
He went to see my mother! I cannot believe it. He went to my parents house this morning. My mother talked to him on the porch...she wouldn't let him into the house. She told him all of her feelings about all of this, and how everything is all about him. I got a last email from him this afternoon...that he talked to her, how it was a sobering experience, he'll seek help, he is going to respect my space...and give me financial assistance for all of the debt he's racked up under my name/credit cards. We will see. In any case...sounds like the fact that it is over has finally sunk in and things can move forward.
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