Still Feel That I Have To Confront The OM; Did He Take My Dignity? Konan: Hi Folks,
It's been a while since I posted, mostly I read and learn. My wife left me after 6 1/2 years together, 2 1/2 married. It was abrupt, she left in Oct. 04, and the divorce was final May 05. A month after she left, claiming she was 'unhappy' but denying there was anybody else, I discovered that indeed there was someone else. He's just a boy, ten years younger than her. What made this all the more difficult was that the kid worked in the same building I did (my X and he have since moved to another state last June). Despite the fact that this kid worked in my same building, I never confronted him. I gave it a lot of thought and for a number of reasons decided not to confront him. Those reasons were that I didn't want to stoop to his level; I didn't want him to think he had any power over me; I wanted to take the 'high road' and not regret anything; and, of course, I didn't want to be charged with assault or have a restraining order against me (I am an attorney in a good firm and the repercussions of an incident like that could be severe to my job and career.)
The problem is that here I am, 16 months after she left, 7 months after they moved out of state, and I am haunted by regret that I didn't confront this guy, not necessarily beating him to a pulp, but just looking him in the eyes and giving him a piece of my mind. I have very seriously considered getting on a plane and doing this. I feel that I stood idly by as this guy intruded into my marriage and my life, and that by doing so I may have lost my dignity? He got off with no repercussions whatsoever from me. So ironic, because I thought that by taking the high road and not even acknowledging him I was preserving my dignity and self-respect.
Although I have progressed in healing from the pain of my divorce, this issue continues to linger, with the same intensity. I have tried to shake it, tried to forgive and accept and all those things, but the regret that I never confronted the guy, that I let him insult my manhood and disrespect me without repercussions, haunts me. I want to walk up to him and look him in the eyes and tell him what I think of him, and I want to see fear in his eyes.
I know she's the real one to blame, and I have addressed it with her. I just never addressed it with him. Would appreciate any advice or thoughts on whether I should act on these thoughts and confront the OM, or if not, how can I let this go? Thanks.
Re: Still Feel That I Have To Confront The OM; Did He Take My Dignity? Peaceandquiet: As hard as it is you have to let it go. This OM will feel the reprocussions when she does the same thing to him. He will feel the pain you felt and have the same anger towards the next guy. You were right in saying she's the problem, she is the catalist that has caused all of the reactions. You saying anything to the OM will have little to no affect on him, then you will still feel fustrated. Alot of times in life we find ourselves saying Man I wish I had said that, that's never more true than when we go through a divorce, now I take the path of speaking to them less is better, they are not worth our energy or our thoughts. When he comes to mind focus on him getting left and then you will be the one laughing. Karma comes back around.
Re: Still Feel That I Have To Confront The OM; Did He Take My Dignity? 21218: what's the point? what are you going to get out of it? what good can come of it?
you'll waste your time, energy, and sanity on it. what's going to happen? he'll either lie, so it'll be a waste of time, or he'll tell the truth, and it'll just hurt more. and there's always the possibility of something awful happening that's going to screw up your life.
somewhat like my marriage, she wants to be in control. she wanted to be "in charge" so there was no counseling, no talking about it, nothing. now she's with someone who's literally inferior to her. she is in charge, she couldn't be in charge and be with you.
let her, and let it go ... i know it's easier said than done, I still haven't done it ... just start smoking a lot of play solitare on your computer. it works for me ... ;)
never talk to her again. you gave her everything that you could -- i don't know, but i'm assuming you tried hard and you weren't really that bad to her -- she doesn't deserve any kindness from you. it will simply continue to inflate her ego and her controlling nature.
Re: Still Feel That I Have To Confront The OM; Did He Take My Dignity? turning leaf: IT is a moot and futile attempt. The ink on your divorce has long been dry. He's young and may not care about what **YOU** think because he has your ex=wife already.
Just remember that if AND when you actually make the effort to fly out to where they are just so he can hear a piece of your mind 16 months after the fact, it is a double withdrawal on your dignity bank. Imagine the visual of them laughing at you.
It was your ex-wife's choice to leave you and be with him. He did not steal her. She wanted to be stolen from you and your marriage. The score should be settled with her. Not him.
Re: Still Feel That I Have To Confront The OM; Did He Take My Dignity? Konan: Peaceandquiet: Thanks. While I know I have to let it go, as you advise, and have succeeded in large part in letting my X go, I still have this strong, recurring urge to face the guy. NOT for the effect it will have on him, or on my X, but for the effect I think it will have on ME, i.e., release me from this urge, release me from the regret that I never faced him. I feel like less of a man. Does this make sense?
21218: What I would hope to get out of it is peace of mind for me. Release from this regret that I didn't assert myself - I had every right to, he disrespected me, he intruded in my life, he was aware that I existed and didn't care. (BTW, what is it that you're smoking a lot of?) ;-)
Turning Leaf: You mention my dignity bank, that's the crux of the issue. Did I preserve my dignity by handling it the way I did, taking the high road, no big scenes, not confronting the OM (many say yes), or did I lose it? You say that if I follow-through it would be a double withdrawal - what was the first withdrawal?
Frankly, when this all hit the fan what I had decided I would do was to just wait, wait until she dumps him, and THEN locate him and just walk up to him and say "how do you feel now?" Whether I do that, or don't wait, or not do nothing at all, it's an unsettled score. That's the main feeling, that it's an unsettled score.
Thanks for your replies. It's helpful to get your opinions.
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