Re: I feel betrayed....is it justifiable?? Lumpy: I've gotta throw my two cents with TTBF. It seems to me that the porn is among the least of your marital woes. That having been said I do feel that you are justified. If his actions are truly hurting you then that pain is valid. You have every right to express your feelings to him and he should address those feelings in a sensitive manner.
Re: I feel betrayed....is it justifiable?? hudson: Hi gutinstincts, welcome.
I've spent a little time recently trying to help your h, 2GHP sort out some of the confusion surrounding your separation. And, as always, there's two sides to every story.
Obviously 21218 is very angry right now due to his own relationship issues. I hope you don't allow his aggresive, impulsive and rude comments to run you off. He could very well make his point without being mean...but that's just where he is right now i guess.
It seems that you're here because you are trying to figure this out as well. So I'll offer my two cents.
From the beginning, your h seemed a little unreasonable to me. His attitude seemed prideful. And we here at ojar pointed that out to him. He definitely needs an attitude adjustment.
From what you've told us your h is a porn addict. It is not ok for him to look at porn if you don't approve, imo. Serious porn addiction in most cases requires therapy just like any serious addiction. Hopefully he's willing to get help. If not, I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to live with it.
Also you've said he physically abuses you with smacking and spanking. This is where he crosses the line. Physical abuse is inexcusable and that's that. You have every right to divorce a man that physically abuses you.
That said, both of these issues can be worked through. But it's going to take a hell of a lot of work on both of your parts.
Either you two are willing to work together in an effort to get through this mess, or you're not.
Either way, this is a place for support and encouragement...we're listening. I hope you keep sharing just as I hope your husband will remain open to listening and sharing.
take care
Re: I feel betrayed....is it justifiable?? manda: gutinstincts_7,
Normally this board is a very supportive place and I'm glad you are here because you will find a lot of good information as well as support here. so stick around.
Most new people get good help like lumpy, Blazin', dgiirl, and timetobefree gave. I'm glad you didn't leave the site right earlier. It is hard to post the first time. So, take a deep breath and smile--you are in a good place.
NEXT, I actually will agree to one thing that meany with the numbers as a name was kind of saying... Masturbation is not something that has to stop or be shared in marriage.
But you still have some legitimate issues that need to be addressed.
This is just me talking, so hang on a sec... You know what? There IS life out there beyond what you can see right now. It has taken me a long time and a lot of Ojar-therapy to see that. You have choices and they are not all going to be teh end of the world.
I am so glad that is true for me. I was in your place in some ways a while back. I just want you to know that you DO NOT have to stay with a man who is mean. It is so hard living that way.
On the other hand, if you want to stay and work through things and you really and I MEAN REALLY think he is going to do all the work necessary on his part, then do that. Just make sure you do what you want to do FOR YOURSELF and not for anyone else.
You have choices!
(A very talkative Goose helped me start to see that.)
Re: I feel betrayed....is it justifiable?? gutinstincts_7: Where do I start. I am an honest person so honest that my sister calls me FRANK!! Sometimes with the feelings I am feeling I just say it like I want not always concerned with what consequences could come. I know I have done that to 2GHP. I am just SCREAMING for his attention.
I do have anger problems. I have asked the therapist to help me find info on what I can do. I do lots of research on the internet about relationship help and my part in it. The angry reactions. Anger is also a form of fear, resentment, and self-pity all of which I have experienced. I haven't been perfect. I need to keep my hands off of him too, especially when I am angry adn to the breaking point. That is when I have pinched himl, tugged his ear, whacked him on the head with a magazine, tried pushing him out of bed, given him a snuggie when I want his attention and he is laying like a dead weight that wants nothing to do with me. I have RARELY felt like a priority in his life. He chooses many a things over me. Not just the Porn. Throughout our lives there have been numerous times where is has just walked out the door when I have been crying and said "I need you and want you to be here for me" He replies "Oh, you'll be fine I be back" Since we have been married I thought that we shouldn't go to bed angry or irritated with each other and he told me in our first months of marriage that you just need to go to bed....then in the morning he would act as if nothing happened and I was still hurting. Lots of hurting nights ended up in angry resentful mornings for me.
As far as getting help with his problem as he calls it.....He has made a few attempts in the last three weeks but the attitude toward me is still "I'll show you your an sob." I go to my support group every Monday and I want to go to therapy every week. 2GHP said that he has a lot a work and just can't take the time off. Every two weeks is what he is fine with. When we are struggling everyday I think it is in our best interest to get help often. For crying out load, he leaves work early to bring the boys to wrestling practice and told me that he can do that because I need to understand that he enjoys that.......What the hell is that??? I'm tellin ya, I am a big bad burden to this man.
Re: I feel betrayed....is it justifiable?? audi_driver: my wife was the same way with me about porn......Then she decided to give in and watched it with me......
We watched her stuff and we watched my stuff.......
Is it that you don't want him watching it or is it that you don't want hiim watching it alone?Ask yourself that........Would you feel better about it if you watched it too?
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