Re: I feel betrayed....is it justifiable?? gutinstincts_7: I am tired of being treated like a child. That is why I sought help and will continue to seek help. All I wanted was to have someone walk along side of me not on top of me. 2GHP once told me when I was listening to a Micheal Montgomery song said "you really believe life is a fairytale, don't you." I responded "don't most girls?" ("Yeah, As the song says...they read you Cinderella, you hoped it would come true that one day your prince charming would come rescue you............I can love you like that, I will make you my world, move heaven and earth if you were my girl." Melts my heart. A dream and only a dream, I guess. ) He said "You can't live in that dream." Gee thanks....is what I thought. Thanks for trying jerk. Those were my thoughts. I know now that I was just dreaming. That isn't reality. But it would sure feel good to know that the person you want to love you is willing to make your life as happy as can be. Instead of saying he wants you happy and then twisting things and doing just enough for it to look good to others and keep me on the line a little longer. Placating. Looks good enough to get by.
AS for audi_driver.....You are right on!!!!! I am mad that it was a secret and a lie for so long and that he never wanted to include me in it. I am not opposed to doing that together as long as I was the one getting in on the action. I wonder why he lied to me... why he wanted to hurt me and then say "Why do you condemn me so" That is what he said when I was on the phone with a friend after the oldest son was brought to the laundry room for a spanking with a towel bar from our bathroom. I stood in the way and refused him to hurt our son like that. He said "Why is it okay to spank them but not do what the bible says. " I replied: "that I had been there as a child and it surely didn't help me any." I also said, "A spanking like you are swatting a mosquito is a lot different than a spanking with a twoel bar." AS he stood holding the bible and towel bar pissed and offended that I wasn't allowing him to do what God wanted fathers to do, as he put it. It is just that with this, as with many decisions he makes, my thoughts are not wanted. I think he told me about the porn as one last stab and take that bitch. Now I know I have hurt you. I am assuming. If I am wrong, GREAT!!!!
Re: I feel betrayed....is it justifiable?? gutinstincts_7: blazin'heart
I agree it would take a great effort on both of our parts to make our marriage prevail.
I do need support and encouragement.
But unfortuneately, I threw the D word at him again tonight. I do it because of the shock value and once again trying to get his attention but also I feel that I don't want to deal with the crap that is going on now. If he wants to ignore me and blame me then I can do without. And divorce to me doesn't feel like it would be that big of a leap emotionally. But as for the reality...the kids, the house, the finances, and the overall battle of divorce...I can't always justify in my mind. My heart is running on empty but my mind keeps telling me somethings gotta give.
I saw 2GHP tongiht at wrestling. He didn't have much to say to me. We were there to support our boys and encourage them to try their best. His sister was there, and well lets just say he was kissing her a@@. I couldn't believe how much appreciation, respect, and kindness he showed her infront of me. Then just treated me like I was a fly just buzzin around. I am soooo sick of it. It really pisses me off because she was one of the people in his confessed fantasies along with my family members and friends. That is sick. That is really sick. Tell me that isn't a problem. I am pretty sure that is where he is spending the night tonight too. AGHHHH!!!
He has one of our sons with him and it is our baby girls 2nd birthday tomorrow and I am just sad inside. I want my children to have happy birthdays not ones that are full of disgust between their parents that are so evident that you can cut it with a knife. I am trembling in emotions right now. I need to calm down.
Re: I feel betrayed....is it justifiable?? hudson: Gutinstict7, I'll be straight with you. I can see that your emotions are volitile at times just as 2GHP's seem to be. That can make for a fiery and passionate combination, and as you're seeing, that's not always a good thing. I can also see that you do a fairly decent job of playing the victim. There's an awful lot about your husband that you don't approve of. I'm beginning to get a better grasp of his side of the story he posted.
In your last two posts the list of his alledged shortcomings continues to grow. The only purpose your laundry of his faults serves is to make you feel better about yourself, it doesn't help your situation at all.
I can see bringing up his potential porn addiction and the physical abuse, but the rest is irrelevant, imo. You're playing the blame game. If you're going to divorce him because of his physical abuse or porn problems, hey that's your right. But I hate laundry lists and I despise the blame game and from you I'm beginning to see both.
You will never find any common ground to work from with your husband if you continually bring your list of his faults to the discussion. Period!
And Newflash, you will never have the fairytale. 2GHP will never be able to give it to you. What you can have though is a functioning marriage if you two ever decide to grow up and start treating each other like adults and not like children.
I'm not a shrink, but there's a possibilty that a good portion of the neglect you feel stems not from his actions but from your own emotional/psychological issues, repressed anger and old emotional wounds from your childhood.
You scream at him for attention and manipulate his emotions by throwing around the D word and lord knows what else...that's means you feel the need to control him. Also, maybe, just maybe some of the neglect you feel may come from unrealistic ideals you hold that 2GHP could never really fulfill. It sounds as though your looking for some prince charming to wait on you hand and foot and contantly lavish you with attention. You may need just as much of an attitude adjustment as he. Think about that.
And it sounds like your emotional unhealth, anger, physical outbursts and unrealistic expectations are causing just as much turmoil in your marriage as his problems are.
So what I have to say is, stop focusing on his faults and start focusing on yours. And if he's listening, he can do the same for himself. You two need to stop pointing fingers and get your respective selves into shape.
And please, don't expect him or yourself to change overnight or after a few sessions of counseling. You two will have to invest some long term effort into yourselves and the marriage.
I'd say back off each other for awhile. Perhaps him getting out of the house was a good idea. If you two are at each others throats the way you and he both have described it, then you two should be apart for a little bit. It certainly can't make matters any worse.
You are obviously very angry and frustrated with him right now. Your anger will prevent any resolution between you to, so it needs to be resolved or you two will do nothing but continue to butt heads...I promise.
[quote author=gutinstincts_7 link=topic=25054.msg237218#msg237218 date=1139034038">
My heart is running on empty but my mind keeps telling me somethings gotta give.... I am trembling in emotions right now. I need to calm down.
[/quote">
I know the feeling, believe me. I think it's time to relax and breathe. Take several steps back, stop trying to fix him and use this time apart to assess you, not him.
Hope I wasn't too blunt and if you feel my posts are unhelpful just let me know and I'll walk away. Take care and thanks for sharing.
Re: I feel betrayed....is it justifiable?? gutinstincts_7: How do I not have a laundry list and do the blame game????
Am I just to forget all of the sleepless nights and silent days. Silence is power.
WE are definately fiery and passionate. That is what makes the intimate realtionship work for us. As for COMMUNICATION we definately butt heads.
How can the rest be irrelavant if it is unresolved issues?? HELP
A admitted that NEWSFLASH....I know that was unrealistic. I don't expect
that but I do expect respect. But I guess that is one of those things you have to give away first. I am not there yet, time will heal all wounds right? And I think the time we spend apart will either make us realize how much we mean to each other and our family or it will mean hey this is ok I guess being set free isn't so bad.
I am the first to admit that my childhood wasn't all too healthy. But that is why I am in Al-ANON I am an ACOA. That is something I need to work through but when I saw many of the same characteristics in the last 10 years of knowing 2GHP I knew that I needed help. I NEEDED HELP.
I do need an attitude adjustment and I can't seem to bring myself there while we are together. I have thought about that over and over the last two years. I play the victim, I have anger, I try to control with mind games. That is all we know in our relationship besides...sex.
You and many others have told us both to stop focusing on the other and seek help for ourselves. It is just hard to do. I can't seem to let go of the bitterness. How do I accept what I think is unacceptable. I know, I know, who am I to say. But I can have the choice for what works for me.
Re: I feel betrayed....is it justifiable?? WhiskeyGirl: [quote author=blazin'heart link=topic=25054.msg237220#msg237220 date=1139036000">
In your last two posts the list of his alledged shortcomings continues to grow. The only purpose your laundry of his faults serves is to make you feel better about yourself, it doesn't help your situation at all. [/quote">
??? ....I disagree, it absolutely helps to get it all out and talk about it, thats exactly what this board is here for....so we can vent, talk, get advice and support.....without hearing her side of things how are we supposed to help?
[quote"> I can see bringing up his potential porn addiction and the physical abuse, but the rest is irrelevant, imo. You're playing the blame game. [/quote">
Well...I didn't see anything that was "irrelevant" ....smacking her for swearing, hitting kids with towel bars, lying, having fantasies about his sister, hiding things from her, etc. ?? All pretty important stuff if you ask me.......stuff I was previously unaware of....surprise, surprise ::)
Anyway....GI,
I do agree that the only one you can change is yourself...stop trying to change him, you cannot do it and you will drive yourself crazy trying. Threatening the D word, yelling, slamming doors......all symptoms of someone at the end of their rope.
I don't blame you for being there.....but you need to give up trying to control this/ him......let go girl. Keep going to alanon/therapy for yourself....get comfortable with YOU.
And yes, you do need to assert yourself and not allow your H to treat you like a child, it is completely unacceptable and you DO NOT have to put up with it.....AND you have every right to STOP your H from hitting the kids with a TOWEL BAR!!! Anything other than an open hand on the butt is NOT acceptable in my book. I recomend a book for your H called "Spare the Child" ...its excellent and its written from a very religious standpoint.
Take a break, get some help for yourself.....tell your H in no uncertain terms that you will no longer be treated as a second rate citizen and STICK to it. Set some expectations. Take control....decide what you will and will not accept/put up with and draw a line in the sand.
Both of you should sit down and make a list of what you NEED, absolutely without question, no ifs ands or buts about it...in order to make this work for you. Then you need to talk about whether or not you each can make those changes and whether or not you are WILLING to.
If 2ghp is not willing to even try to work on this then I think you have your answer. Girl....this is the nice, edited version of my original post!
If my ex EVER touched my kids with a towel bar he's be a very sorry man....probably missing an eyeball.....how that for an anger problem?
I'm truly sorry you had to find us....obviously you both love each other or you wouldn't be here looking for help....your absolutely right...somethings got to give! You get your head straight and make some decisions :)
Welcome to ojar,
Whiskey
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