Re:How do you know? fallenangelcat: Actually, the person I've considered seeing (when he returns from deployment) is in my circle of friends. Unfortunately, most of my "circle of friends" are deployed right now *sigh*
Brian,
Now isn't the time for me to be selfish. I have at least another 13 years before that happens. I have a dd who is almost 5 and I will have primary custody of her. Yes, I know, I need to do adult things, etc. and I do - that's not a worry. Besides, I'm an American living in Italy - I'm already on that trip I've always wanted to take LOL. I've been doing things on my own for almost 3 years. Like I said, it's been over for 2.5 years, just never did the paperwork. :)
I just wondered how others knew they were okay to date. I feel like I am, but I'm not rushing into anything serious...not planning the next wedding yet ;)
Re:How do you know? JimB: I used to agree with Brian on this, but I've backed off a bit.
IN GENERAL, it's a good idea to wait. A year is a reasonable amount of time - for some people it'll be more, for some it'll be less. But it's not about any particular period of time; it's about being selfish, as Brian said.
It does take some time to become yourself again after marriage. In a marriage, two people join together as one. In a divorce, two people that have become one have to painfully pull themselves back apart. It does take time to learn how to be just one person again.
However, some people learn this more quickly. And some people start the process earlier, so by the time the divorce is actually finalized, they are truly whole again. If you feel whole, there's no reason not to date. It's only when you're looking for someone to fill in your gaps (figuratively speaking, of course! ;D) that alarm bells should be going off.
There's no set time table. Just do what you feel is right. If you try it, and it feels wrong, you'll know.
Re:How do you know? ostia: Well. My experience with this issue has been odd, but I'll share it in case it's helpful to anyone:
I tried the online dating thing pretty soon after my X and I separated (about 3 months later), for a couple of reasons:
- to prove to myself that I could still deal with dating/knew "how to" date after all those years of being married
-to reassure myself that when I was finally ready to look for a relationship, I would have at least the online thing as a method of meeting people (I was suffering at the time from an irrational fear that I would never again meet anyone I liked)
-to cheer myself up by having a bit of fun...meeting new people, going out to dinner, etc.
I has NO intention of getting into a new relationship at that time. I was very much still a basket case, and I knew it ..but I thought that dating a little might make me feel better about things.
Well, what actually happened was that I went out on a couple of dates, and although they were relatively painless, I quickly realized that I just couldn't deal with it...the pain from my breakup was too raw. So I stopped dating--stopped writing back to the people who were responding to my ad, and hid my profile.
However, there had been one guy who'd written to me after I stopped responding to my responses who just seemed very interesting somehow...something about his profile, the e-mail he wrote, his picture, etc, had intrigued me. I kept thinking about him every so often, and so I finally did write back to him about 6 weeks after receiving his initial e-mail.
Fortunately he was still interested in meeting me, so we went out for drinks, and we totally hit it off....and I am still seeing him now, 6 months later.
This is great, obviously, but it has caused some problems. I was totally not ready to get into a relationship when we started seeing each other, and as a result I took it REALLY REALLY slow, and although he has been very understanding and patient, that has caused a few glitches and misunderstandings along the way. I am now about 10 months post-breakup w/the X, and I am finally getting close to being ready to really open up to a new person, but it's still scary, because I feel like there are certain important things I still need to figure out about what I want from relationships in general, and it's kind of hard to do that when you're already in one at the time.
So I'm extremely happy that I met this guy and I feel very, very lucky, but I also wish I'd met him 6 months or a year later than I did. However, he's special enough that I'm certainly not going to stop seeing him just because the timing isn't perfect.
So I guess the moral of the story is twofold:
-One, be careful about dating if you know you don't want to get inot a realtionship, because you never know when you might meet someone you really like
-Two, it is neverthless possible to continue to heal and get your head together even if you ARE seeing someone steadily, as long as you move very slowly and give yourself whatever space and time you need to heal from your divorce within the context of the new relationship. Just be sure to communicate with your new bf/gf about all of this, because otherwise they might take your distance personally.
Hope that helps a little.... :)
Re:How do you know? brynne: Hey everyone,
I may be the exception here, but I think you can work on yoursel AND start dating at the same time. Maybe nothing serious, but if an opportunity presents itself, go for it b/c it may not come again for a while.
Personally, I began dating just 2 months after my divorce was final. Nothing serious, but I did have a few dinner dates, one w/ a guy I met at a party, another was a set-up from a friend. It helped get my feet wet & to realize that there are other men out there that find me attractive & enjoy my company. Most of us here have our egos/self esteem damaged due to our unhealthy relationship (at least in my case). And dating makes you feel good about yourself ! That IS working on yourself - boosting your self esteem, getting back into the social/dating scene.
I may have jumped into it too quickly initially, but now I'm very comfortable dating again. However, I do NOT recommend dating anyone seriously, that takes time, for me I know I'm not ready yet for anything serious.
Just my .02 cents !
Hope
Re:How do you know? Brian75034: "Quote:
Dating is good.
Developing a relationship with someone else now is bad.
Don't these somewhat go hand in hand? I don't really date just to have a good time that night only. I think most people date to have a good time and enjoy that person's company but to also find that "connection".........."
Understood. BUT, why does a "connection" have to equal a relationship? People can connect at different levels and none of them have to equal entering into a serious relationship.
Like JimB solidified, its a time of "selfishness". When I think of "relationship" i envision entering into something that requires work and effort to make that connection work.
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