And so it begins Niklas: Yeah, I know this hurt. I've felt it before and it's not BAD in the same way this time. But at the same time it is worse.
And I know, everyone was kind of apprehensive when I got married to my ex-wife. I am 9 years older than she is and from the start it was fairly clear that she had issues with communicating about things. But I loved her. In a way I still do. But it just got out of hand. When we had been married for 6 months she dated some guy from her office a couple of times. A couple of months later I found out that she had an ad at a rather seedy contact forum on the internet. And even though she claims nothing ever happened I can't really believe that.
Someone else might. I don't know. Maybe I am stupid. But I have never been jealous before. Ever. I am not the jealous type. And I don't like myself when I am. So when I went away for work for a couple of weeks and came home just to have her tell me that she had been making out with two guys while she was drunk during the time I was away that just made me go "this is so over".
And please feel free to tell me if I was an idiot. I just can't take living like that.
Now the divorce has gone through. She has moved out. The apartment is empty apart from me and the dog and I am filled with a feeling of intense relief and guilt and remorse and grief. All at the same time.
I know it will get better. I know it will. It's just this feeling of living in a bubble, of being tired all the time, hardly being able to get out of bed - it gets to me more than anything. I force myself to do something but find that I only walk around without accomplishing much. I'd rather just lie down and do nothing. Or as little as possible at least.
It will pass. I know it will pass. But I was hoping that this would last. I was sure it would. I loved her so much and I was willing to give her anything to make her happy. And then it ends like this. Enough to make you lose faith in love, in fidelity, in trust and to consider the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I might be better off alone. At the same time, at heart, I don't want to be alone.
I dont know. Where will it all end? Who knows. I dread the weeks and months ahead because I know it will hurt so bad. But it will get better. It must get better.
It will get better.
Re:And so it begins incoherentlonghorn: Hey Niklas and welcome to OJAR,
I feel for you, it sounds like you've had one rough year; but you have made it thus far.
Periodically I join you in the stage where you feel like doing nothing. Heck why try because if talk yourself into being productive, its simply not as easy as before. But you have to keep on truckin'.
I also don't want to be alone, but if she's the only one cheating, you deserve better IMHO.
Take it one day at a time and if necessary one minute at a time.
You are not an idiot or stupid...
And your right it will get better. ;)
Hang in there,
LL
