sad clown, again? marc_ro: It's been a good day so far, and it's only 6:00am. and just in case you can't tell, that's called sarcasm.
I woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep...too much thinking, not enough resting. oh, well, I thought, almost 5 hours is plenty of sleep, and everyone keeps telling me that I'll sleep when I'm dead anyway.
so I got up and came into work. it's amazing how light the traffic is (even for this notsosleepy beach town) before 6 in the morning. which was helpful, seeing as I cried the whole way to work again...every time I think I've kicked this crying thing, it keeps kicking back! I should probably not listen to so much music...since I've moved out and acquired my precious ipod mini, I've been listening to music. all. the. time. my music. all songs I love. it's changed my life. I love it. the only problem is, a lot of those songs remind me of times from my married life. and I cry. do I cry because I miss those times? no. do I cry because I want those times back? no. I cry because I'm grieving the loss of something that I loved, something that I committed my life to. having that taken away takes a little time to get used to. and time isn't moving fast enough for me lately.
I just barely beat in my lonely guy officemate, so I bought him a bagel...poor guy, at least we've all loved and lost, he's never loved at all. are we better off? sometimes it doesn't feel that way to me.
my life is crazy. no, scratch that, *I'm* crazy. there are so many wonderful things in my life right now, I shouldn't be feeling anything but bliss. I have no problems, I have all this change that's working out spectacularly, and I have a stbx that is nothing but nice to me every time I talk to her. so how come sometimes I feel like I want to drive my truck off a bridge? like I said, I'm crazy. maybe I feel like I don't deserve all the good things that I have in my life. maybe I want my divorce to make more sense so people don't constantly keep asking why. maybe I only want what I can't have. I don't know. most of the time I don't believe in any of that self-defeating garbage, but somedays it still creeps in.
when my stbx used to ask me how I knew something, I'd tell her that I knew *everything*. that made her smile. now I'm discovering that actually, I don't know *anything*. anything about love, about life, about me. but I guess I'm learning. I just wish it didn't hurt so much falling off that steep learning curve.
-Marc
Re:sad clown, again? notbychoice: wow Marc my heart goes out to you and I can relate to what your feeling in so many ways. DO I want that life back??? no.....but what I put my heart and soul into and was suppossed to be forever didnt happen and for that I am STILL sad.
How long has it been for you? I really hope things get easier for you soon....and as for what your friends say about you have plenty of time to sleep when you are dead....so true so true. That helps me too since I hardly sleep anymore either. I havent slept the same in over 9 months...hopefully that one will change. :)
Try to keep your chin up, listen to your music and cry all you need too, crying is actually very healthy...it will help you heal and come to terms with things so much easier. Your in my thoughts as well as the lonely co worker you bought the bagel for :) damn life can be so sad!
Re:sad clown, again? bit pusher: Some days, you just gotta grab a boat drink with a little umbrella in it, wander down to the beach, and watch bikinis walk by. Other days, you bawl on the way to work.
Funny how your mind can rationalize all the good things that are happening in your life, yet you still feel the wounds. I don't know that it's crazy ... (and I'm fast becoming an expert on crazy, heh) ... it just seems like part of the process. I guess if it stopped hurting fast, you never would've really valued your marriage, eh?
Hang in there man.
-bp
Re:sad clown, again? incoherentlonghorn: Oh sweet Marc,
Cry until no tears remain and think with that analytical mind of yours...even if about painful memories that need to surface and heal.
You already know all of this, but I'll remind you. Don't be to hard on yourself, I also have a million beautiful things in my life and three weeks ago couldn't form a coherent thought. Because my heart hurt...hmm incoherent longhorn comes to mind.
Listen to the songs that break your heart over and over until you are crying because you can't stop crying. That always helps me move a step closer to the sunshine. But please take your time on the way. And resist the urge to crush a new piece of sunshine in your life. Also watch out for trees.
You know how to enjoy life! The sweet truck, the ipod, your music, and lending a little love to a guy who's never loved. Internally you have the important elements straight and *on* the curve (although we sometimes forget), but the curve has shifted upward and to the right.
You're sense of humor was stating you knew everything...she knows that if she understood you...and you know that....you were enjoying life and will one day again.
To tears and sunshine...thanks for posting.
LL
Re:sad clown, again? picadilly: Ok, I'm comfortable in my masculinity that...
HUGS to you Marc :)
Now... huh, listen to me, do you know what the salt water would do to your truck's body? or if it's fresh water under that bridge, the engine would be ruined by the water... let alone the sudden stop at the bottom. :P
Ok, that aside, I know how that can feel sometimes. I had those similar thoughts too at one point. I looked over guard rails & thought... what if. She would regret it & realise her mistake but then, so what if she does? You would not be around to see it, what would be the point? & what if she decides to come back to you & you were not around. That was the one thought that kept me sane, that maybe she would come back & I wouldn't be there to see it. Now however, I can say that if that happened, I'm here to say "No way baby" to her face.
I'm far from healed but I refuse to let her hurt me again. I will not put myself in the position to be hurt by the same person again. For the record, I feel sad & lonely too, when I listen to music we both liked, when I listen to sad songs. But that will not stop me from doing it, it's part of my past, like it is with yours. You can't run from it, it will always be there.
I think ultimately, you are better off having loved & been loved, then your co-worker that has never loved at all. You have those good memories of a happier time... he has nothing. While he doesn't share your pain of loss, I think having felt love is more important then feeling numb to it. You will heal over time & feel better about yourself, he will be exactly as he ever was.
I'm sure you have heard it before but it is so true. After a good cry, you will feel better, I know I do.
Hang in there, man, you can do it. PM me if you want to chat, talk about how cruel women can be :P or just vent, I'm cool with that.
Peace, brother.
edit: we so need a spell checker program here... atleast for me anyway. 4 finger typist that I am. ;D
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