Re: Scary realization last night re: being a sort-of stepparent tara: Makes sense, in a way -- I know some child psychologists believe kids carry latent memories from a very young age (newborn, even) and some belive it takes months or years for even the subconscious to remember. (It's why, for a very long time, newborns were not routinely adminstered anesthesia for many procedures -- based on the idea that they wouldn't remember the pain so why take the risk?) I suppose it's impossible to research.
Maybe I should rephrase that -- she certainly has no conscious, coherent memory of her parents ever living together, or breaking up. (If I remember correctly from my child-development classes -- those sort of memories don't begin to form until 18 months or so.) She would, however, have conscious, coherent memory of her father and me living together, and (if it came to it) breaking up.
I suppose this is entirely an academic exercise, as I'm operating with two assumptions:
1. That J and I are not planning to break up (inasmuch as two divorced people can talk about "lifetime committment" with a straight face, anyway)
2. That if we did, it would be very disruptive and possibly traumatic for kiddo, as there would be many changes to her life (or at least to her life three days of the week) and we'd have to figure out the best way to handle this to minimize the trauma and disruption to her.
[quote author=whatnext link=topic=25527.msg242393#msg242393 date=1139949398">
Who really knows what memories she had or doesn't have. Or if those memories exist as coherent images, or gut-checks. Does that make sense?
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Re: Scary realization last night re: being a sort-of stepparent whatnext: You know what, the real point is, you're doing everything you can, and you're being very concientious of an innocent child. That's as good as you can do, and better than most do.
Re: Scary realization last night re: being a sort-of stepparent tara: OK, again, some inelegant phrasing here. Yes, she's probably picked up on societal norms. (Dora the Explorer lives with her mom and dad, after all. :D)
But even if she recognizes her situation as different (which I'm sure she does) -- she likely doesn't see her situation as "abnormal," negatively connoted. (I hope this makes sense -- I'm not doing well with words right now.) That's not to say she never will...and I know there's a chance 8 years from now she may hate me or blame me for the demise of her parents' marriage (I didn't meet J until after the split)... but right now, I'm as "normal" a part of her life as anything else.
[quote author=Topaz link=topic=25527.msg242394#msg242394 date=1139950040">
[quote author=tara link=topic=25527.msg242383#msg242383 date=1139947238">
Her friends at preschool have such a diverse range of family situations (off the top of my head, I can think of a few traditional two-parent households, one two-dad household, one single mother/dad out of the picture, one with stepparents on both sides, and one who lives with her grandparents), I'm not sure she knows what "normal" is supposed to be.
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While it's great that she's exposed to a variety of different types of families, I'm sure she's nonetheless aware of the so-called "normal" family template, thanks to the barrage of images thereof present in our society. She might be young, but I think you'd be surprised at how much she actually notices and is aware of.
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Re: Scary realization last night re: being a sort-of stepparent tara: Yeah, I think that's the point I was trying to make (only you did it much more concisely and clearly than I did).
:D
[quote author=whatnext link=topic=25527.msg242398#msg242398 date=1139950300">
You know what, the real point is, you're doing everything you can, and you're being very concientious of an innocent child. That's as good as you can do, and better than most do.
[/quote">
Re: Scary realization last night re: being a sort-of stepparent Chey: Hey tara,
First off....this is a good and difficult situation. It all depends on the child. I'm step mother to 2 children who are now 12 and 13. They were just toddlers when I moved over. We had them every other weekend and 2 weeks in the Summer holidays.
We bonded really well...to the point where I was taking 2 half days a week to go pick them up so their Mom could work longer hours when needed, and I would do the homework / bathing kind of stuff. Their Dad was a pretty lazy father so I was "the other Mom".
Leaving them behind was one of the worst things I've ever done in my life. Bar none. They were devestated. I won't sugar coat that one.
However...nearly 18 months later...we live in different countries..but because I kept a good relationship with their Mother, I speak to them weekly when I can, we email, I send them gifts...and it's a very good relationship.
The one thing you HAVE to do (I told SS the same thing) is not to so involved them with them to the point where you ARE the other mother. Trust that their Mom is a good Mom, and doing everything they need. I got so involved with their lives, with their stories about what was going on at Mom's (stories yes because they were playing the parents off against each other), that I became exhausted from it.
Just be her friend...the future will have to be taken care of if it happens. It's a great job in life trust me :)
Chey
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