Life today.... techick: this was IM'ed today, so it's techinically sent but here it is, so far, lol, keeps spilling out!!!!
cliequeen: I know you are right and I am not trying to dream beyond that, but sometimes.....sometimes my mind wanders and it sees the simple things...how dinner could be a family affair if only you were here instead of there...........I hate those things and they will go away as they did before, but my mind....my traitorous mind still sees things that I would prefer to be unseen
cliequeen: hell by now I have seen that things aren't going to work, but now that I have opened the door.....I hate it when Kayley asks when we are going to see you again, I hate it when I catch a wiff and miss you, I hate it when your things turn up in mine and I don't know what to do with them becuase I want them to be ok there and they aren't, they are strangers, they passed in the night and they are leftovers of something that was wanted but not worked out....
cliequeen: i know I need to get back to dating again and I hate that too
cliequeen: becuase I loved you too much to date another
cliequeen: and becuase I hurt too much to date another and do this again
cliequeen: but I WILL go back....I can't give up, that's the way life works, it's far too long to give up on some happiness and although I could find it alone, after all this, I want a family for my kids
cliequeen: I thought I was bringing them home to a family and I brought them home to a mess
cliequeen: I want a FAMILY for them, even though I am, personally, done at this pont
cliequeen: they have a loving and dedicated mother
cliequeen: and they have half a human
cliequeen: i am living a "family" and I don't have a partner, this is so very wrong and so very hard
cliequeen: it's not a family, it's one woman with a ton of love giving it all to her kids and wishing desperately that life was different and knowing it's not and trying to pick herslf up and just move on with the way life raelly is
cliequeen: this sucks!!!
cliequeen: I will go on...I have no choice in that matter.....but this hurts in the worst way and I wish I knew soemthing to change it other then to leave this situation as it is and to learn a way to go on and to accept less then I want just to be a while family and to not be alone
cliequeen: it hurts like hell and maybe I will fail, but I know I have to go on.....jsut go on....l;ike my firend says "I am on a trip to some place I don't want to go, am I there yet?"
cliequeen: yeah I guess it is a swan song, I don't tell you about the kids and other things, I don't want a guilt trip
cliequeen: I am too tired to care, this is the way it is, unvarnished
cliequeen: if you knew me, you'd know that I only tell it like it is....so here it is
cliequeen: they miss you, I miss you and everyone wants to just be a god damn family and get on with it...hell my mother wishes you were here! This blows but we don'tget what we ask for in life so we make a new life and find happiness there....I do wish you the best....I am so sorry it happened this way, if I could move heaven and earth and change it, I would, but it wouldn't help....it is this way and that's it.....it is what it is and that's the end......
cliequeen: I can't WANT you enough to fix this.....I have learned taht lesson beofre....I don't know, I thought about us doing counsleing just to get on the raith track......but who knows....and I just can't want enough for both of us....I learned that one and I know ti's true, I can't want us enough for me and YOU....it doesn't work that way.....I know this and I have to employ that knowledge here...god I need to stop this and I guess it's good to let the damn break for a while.....it's all so much, every min of every day, I didn't know it could be like this!!!! I just didn't know!
cliequeen: I love you beyond love, I love you for being the other part of me......
cliequeen: I won' t ask how to let that go becuase I haev to, so "how" is irrelevant...it simply must BE.....and there I am....just learning to just let go of you, of THIS and to TRY and let myself find something that is "ok" and to be good with that, to find the joy it that, the joy in what does not truly bring me joy....I msut learn....I knwo this and it's ok, it's the way it's to be.....
Re: Life today.... techick: cliequeen (2/14/2006 6:44:24 PM): I haven't lost a lover, those are relatively easy to lose...it hurts and itmove on....I haev lost a twin....a missing half to me....that is goign to take a bit longer to get over
cliequeen (2/14/2006 6:47:42 PM): and I DESPISE the fact that I MUST get over this....for the kids, I must find a family....if it were me, frankly, I'd just pitch it as this was.......well I'd just pitch it, I am ok alone.....ok-ish......I can deal with alone better then dealing with "ok" in a partner for kids......I guess I'll just pick someone for them, god knows I'll probably run him off, I know me and I am NOT ok with ok....but I have to try, they deserve a family and god damn it they will get one....I ose that to them
