Re:Hi everyone. Newbie here Raven: Thanks all...
Everything seems so subjective. Most times, I don't know HOW I am feeling. Its good to have a place where I know people understand.
Re:Hi everyone. Newbie here Spectrum: Boy, oh, boy.
Can I ever relate!
Finding those incriminating letters is when you almost hit bottom. I remember the 3am phone call to my dad, bawling about finding my STBX's little secret stash.... The over-stuffed manilla envelope sitting so ingeniously in a suitcase on our living room floor... Yep, he's a freakin' genius. Aren't they all?
Why do people have to do these things to their spouses? He can say whatever he wants to say about the last ten years.... it is most likely revisionist history, designed to make him feel like less of a prick for committing his transgressions. People don't stay with someone for seven years if they don't feel some sort of a bond.
In any case, I know what you're going through... and it isn't easy.
We're all here for you, and hopefully we can help you smooth out some of the bumps in the road.
Spectrum.
Re:Hi everyone. Newbie here Basset: [quote author=Spectrum link=board=1;threadid=2558;start=0#msg22014 date=1081033820"> Why do people have to do these things to their spouses? He can say whatever he wants to say about the last ten years.... it is most likely revisionist history, designed to make him feel like less of a prick for committing his transgressions. People don't stay with someone for seven years if they don't feel some sort of a bond.[/quote">
Sometimes I wonder why my husband just didn't tell me he was thinking of other women or that he wanted an open marriage. I mean, I have had crushes, but I told him all about them because I believe he better know since he is my spouse. But he dare do things behind my back!
By the way, what is STBX?
Re:Hi everyone. Newbie here Raven: STBX is soon-to-be-ex.
I know what you mean, Basset. Thats one of the things that I just cannot wrap my mind around. He claims that he "decided" that the marriage was over about a month before he ever started interacting with the other woman.
The thing is, I have been trying REALLY hard to turn our marriage around. ESPECIALLY during February, (apparently after the decision had been made to end things) He SAW how hard I was trying. He KNEW how much I wanted the marriage to work, and all the work I was putting into it, and he didn't say a THING. He didn't bother to even TRY to tell me that he felt the marriage was over, and that everything I was doing was for nothing. That hurt...a LOT.
All I could think was HOW DARE HE make that monumental a decision, without discussing it with me, or even giving me a chance.
He thinks that his indiscretion is less bad, because he had already made this decision....but I disagree...because I WAS NOT AWARE.
What a coward he is.<Sigh>
Re:Hi everyone. Newbie here Basset: Dear Raven,
Thank you for telling me what STBX is. I already consider my husband "my ex". This is because even though I am legally married to him, I am cohabitating with someone else. My husband may think I have been seeing this new person behind his back but he sure is wrong! I told him about the person but didn't refer to the person using his real formal name because I didn't know it well at that time.
I understand how hurt you are, Raven. This is because I am in a similar situation. I am terribly hurt when my husband said, "You didn't love me, if you did, you would tell the cops... ". Gosh! I did love him very much and perhaps still do.
I like to believe my husband is mentally ill. He had distorted views of himself. Then, he started to have distorted views of me. Even though I loved him and worked hard on the relationship, he didn't see it! He always thinks I am out to get him and he can only remember the times when I made mistakes.
I am able to say that I am the person I am today because of him. I thank him for many things I have because he was my mate. I often sing the song "something more" by Ryan Malcolm for him. But I speculate he won't thank me for the things he has today - the ability to say, "I'm an Atheist", good health care, a government that doesn't control what he thinks, the ability to have threesomes and one night stands and the ability to drink alcohol. I hope that every time he does these things he can think, "Thanks to Basset, I have all this. She took the risk and married me to give me a better life in Canada. If it wasn't for her, I would be stuck in Malaysia being forced to be Muslim".
I know when I get an award for my studies, I would thank him for making me an A student. When I get my degree, I would thank him for having faith that I can do it. But would he thank me for his accomplishments or would he just think I am this controlling woman that took away 5 1/2 years of his life?
Basset
