I'm stuck again!! leem03: Ok all, I have been gone for here from some time. I still stop by from time to time to read posts, but haven't posted myself....till now. I am having an extremely awful day. Refresher course of my past year: Husband filed for divorce, he cheated on me, he abused me, when he was drunk, he is working on overcomming alcoholism. Divorce was thrown out of court in December because we kept going back & forth as to whether we were going to work things out or not.
So now he's been in counseling for about two months and doing very well. Stopped drinking for the most part and I am proud of him. He's trying to focus on getting himself back, which is what he needs to do. We still don't get along all of the time I still have alot of hurt feelings because of what has occurred. I do love this man, but I'm no longer sure if I do want to be with him. I felt like I was doing better, I guess knowing that he is doing ok now helps me too. Well he's been trying to tell me something for the past week & isn't quite spitting it out. We talk about not being sure what is in store for us, what the future will hold. Well he pretty much stopped talking to the OW as far as I could tell. But he still maintains that he cares for her as a FRIEND and wants to keep it that way. I don't agree. BAD FRIEND!
Anyways!! Fast forward a few.. & jump around to a new topic....3 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. YES it was STUPID!! Not planned & Not wanted! I am struggling here trying to figure out what to do. Very few people know all of whom are those He told. I haven't told anyone. So back to him needing to spit something out.....I told him I was going to move to my Mom's with our 3 year old for a while. He didn't want me to leave but I left him a note stating it was the right thing to do at the time. He needs to figure things out for him. And I am just a distraction. So I left. So where does he go...........You guess it to HER! I am sick here. I feel like I pushed him back right into her arms again. WTF? Doesn't she know he only goes there when he's drunk & she lets him in every time. So again...drinking Friday & Saturday nite. I'm stuck again! I don't know which way to turn. I love him. But I honestly don't know if I want to be with him. I know I deserve better. But if he continues to get help???? Question after question?!?!?
So I've spent the day crying. Where do I turn. I don't even have anyone I want to confide in because I don't want them to think bad of me if I choose not to keep this child. But we are both so messed up. Would it really be fair to the child? Yes I have been going to couseling but only once every 3 weeks and I am scheduled to go again this week.
So what's a screwed up girl like me supposed to do? I blame myself again for pushing him to her. It's not right! I hate her & him for going back.
Ok so what's the matter with me that I didn't leave the last time. Here I still am, in a worse situation than before. I do love this man and I know he loves me, but is love enough?? We can't seem to get past all of our demons!!
Any thoughts from all of you would be very welcomed! I am truly in turmoil over what to do and it is my own fault!!
Re:I'm stuck again!! janee: Its not your fault your husband went to another woman. Given his history, its the alcoholic, addictive personality that blames everything on everyone else. Believe me, I was married to an abusive alcoholic for 7 years. And he blamed everything from the household chores to the divorce we are going through right now. Everything was always my fault. It was my fault when he got a DUI, would dirty the house and blame me, I never did anything to contribute, etc. The list could go on forever. He is cunning, manipulative, and vindictive. He refused to acknowledge his alcohol problem and blamed society for stigmatizing people who drink. Regarding your pregnancy, don't beat yourself up over that. It happens. Do what you feel is right for you. No one else can make that decision for you. Good luck and hang in there. Keep posting, that is why we are here.
Re:I'm stuck again!! aimeed1: Janee is 100% right you didnt push him to her. If it was that easy for him and her to reconcile you have to question that. I agree who are these woman who feel like second place is ok are they that desperate for a man that they will be with a married man. Talk about low self esteem. If I read your post right he was still maintaing a frienship with the OW when you were back together? There is no way that can work. He needed to cut ties completely so you could work on your problems. How could you ever trust him? You both have to be on the same page and working at the relationship for it to work.
Give yourself some time to figure out the pregnency situation. Write down the pros and cons of the situation. Having a baby will tie you to this man for the rest of your life. It could be good or bad only you can figure that out. It is in the end your decision.
Re:I'm stuck again!! Raven: I agree with the other two. I don't believe that it is possible to "push" someone into anothers arms. The man(though he is likely to not admit this) is fully capable of making his OWN decisions. He did this...NOT you.
From what you have said in this post, might I suggest that you do some serious soul searching. You don't give the impression that you are at all happy with your husband. You seem to recognize how toxic he is to you, and see a potential for some real positive change in your life, without him in it. Those are big things to consider.
You can't keep living your life feeling responsible for his actions. If he is EVER going to recover from this, he needs to do it ALONE(with the help of AA, or another alcoholic support)
You deserve to be with someone that FULLY appreciates you, respects you, and TRULY loves you.(Not toxic love)
As far as the pregnancy...these things do happen. Its nothing to beat yourself up over. My only advice in regards to the pregnancy is do what YOU feel is best, regardless of the input of others. Just please dont make an "emotional" decision. Think it through.
Re:I'm stuck again!! picadilly: Hi Leem, I can't add more then the ladies before me, they gave you some great advice.
Just know that his remainding friends with the OW is like having his cake & eating it too. He had a back up, a spare incase things didn't work out with you. Thats what it seems like to me. He has a fall back position & once you left the house, thats what he did, he fell back to it.
I would wish that you think carefull on your next move. Do you want him back? can you trust him? If he's ever sincere about reconciling, then he has to cut off contact with the OW. If he doesn't, I would not advice even trying, until he can remove his crutches, you will know he's not really even trying.
There is no reason to remain friends with this OW, if he wants to be with you. He should enjoy talking with you, not sneaking in conversations with her.
Regarding your pregnancy, sh!t happens, it's how you deal with it afterwards that is key. I firmly believe in free choice of the woman. I will support any decision you make, it's your body but like those before me said, it's a big one. Think it through clearly, give yourself time to think without the emotions.
Peace & love to you.
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