Re:When you Just Know in_search_of: I know we all have those things that make us want to go back to our exes, and I had one of those. I kept my goddaughter this weekend and that made me want to go back more than anything ever has. It was so nice to have a kid in the house, one that was watching what I did...one to rock to sleep...one to scream in the night...one to have to worry about what she might be getting into...one to make me drop everything and do for her...one that watched me as she was fighting sleep as though I might do something after she went to sleep that might be so important that she might miss out on...one to cause me to miss out on things that I wanted to do...one to see her firsts, I got to take her to her first easter egg hunt, try and get her first picture taken with the easter bunny...all I wanted to do was go back to him, to cry and tell him I was sorry, to tell him I wanted to be us, that I wanted to be a family, and to start a family. I haven't met anyone else ever that I thought I wanted to have a family with, he would be so good with kids if they were his even though he is not generally a kid person. He would help out with them, I am sure. I just wanted to call him, to say can't we be us again, can't we talk like we used to, to curl up at night with...to be a couple to be in love. I just wanted to do it, I fought the urge because even though I know he is the stronger of the two of us when it comes to knowing we did the right thing in not being back together...
And then I heard this song on the radio, and I almost cried...
Let's be us again--lonestar
Tell me what I have to do tonight
Cause I’d do anything to make it right
Let’s be us again
Sorry for the way I lost my head
I don’t know why I said the things I said
Let’s be us again
Here I stand,
With everything to lose and all I know is I don’t wanna ever see the end
Baby please I’m reaching out for you
Won’t you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let’s be us again
Look at me, I’m way past pride
Isn’t there some way that we can try to be us again
Even if it takes awhile ill wait right here until I see that smile
That says we re us again
And here I stand with everything to lose and all I know is I don’t ever wanna see the end
Baby please I m reaching out for you wont u open up your heart and let me come back in
Lets be us again
Baby, baby what would I can’t imagine life without you
Here I stand with everything to loose and all I know is I don’t wanna ever see the end
Baby please I’m reaching out for you wont you open up your heart and let me come back in
Here I am I m reaching out for you so wont u open up your heart and let me come back in
Lets be us again
Ohhh let’s be us again
I was just watching her sleep in the rearview mirror thinking that eventually that could have been me and my ex's kid in the backseat asleep, and that curled up with me in bed....
I want to get past this feeling that I screwed up...I have been there a lot lately, and I think it is because I have been trying to date, I have been on lots of first dates, and all I can think is that I just don't feel comfortable telling these people the mundane things that happen every day (and I never feel like I could...its just a feeling, I know you grow into those things, but my ex and I were friends before we started dating, and so he had already gotten some of that comfort level stuff out of the way...) I want someone to tell the mundane things to, when I have a long day someone to just give me a hug and tell me it will be ok, and to make me feel safe....
Its just one of those days when you just don't know...
Re:When you Just Know in_search_of: And on top of it all, I hate that being divorced has forced me to have a roommate, I never like having to live with someone, and sometimes it just gets to me...the only roommate I ever got along with on any level was my ex...Here is my vent....
First of all, I am a bad person, my roommate was talking about dropping out of school, and I was encouraging her to do it...She was talking about moving to Virginia or somewhere like Europe...And I was encouraging her to do it...
There are a few things here...no. 1, I don't feel sorry for you since you got an F on your paper, I study my ass off and have a job, you sit at home all the time and I have never seen you crack a book....Should I feel bad for your bad grades?
No 2. I don't think it is a good idea to keep dropping classes, for god's sake its freaking law school the classes are going to be hard, you should try studying, and working hard like the rest of us have to!
No 3. I am not going to feel bad for you when you lose your scholarship because you have not gotten good enough grades to keep it...you never go to class, you have been working (and I use the loosest form of that word) on your redone brief for about 3 days, and it was due 2 days ago. I scrimped for every point I could get on my brief first and second draft, so turning it in late (8 pts off the first day, 4 for every day after that) is going to be a major problem! And on top of that, try working on it harder, like turn the damn TV off and freaking work on it!
No 4. I don't want to approve all your topic headings, I have my own work to do and rewording your topics is not on my list of things to do!
No 5. Yes, I go to my room because you are bothering me. You keep the TV up too loud, if I am in my room and can make out every word that they are saying over the sound of my radio, that is a problem, and the fact that my computer is next to the tv causes a problem because I can't wear my headphones and drown it out!
I knew there was a reason that I lived by myself....oh yes, and I took the small room so that I could park in the garage, I can't do that because your dogs are always in there, so what the f*ck....
Re:When you Just Know Basset: Dear in_search_of,
I understand what you are going through because I can relate to your situation.
I miss my husband very much. I miss the man that would eat only one can of campbell's soup per day so that he can save money to buy air planes tickets to see me or phone me. I miss the man who would take off my school bag and dress me up in new clothes when I come home from school. I miss the man who would play with my rabbits and we both would laugh at the tricks the male rabbit would make - the rabbit stop doing tricks when he left. I miss the man who would touch me in a special way to comfort me when I am nervous or to give me support. I miss the man who I can turn to whenever I didn't understand a word because he is a walking dictionary. I miss the man I can turn to and ask about things that I don't know about because he seems to know everything. I miss the man who would hide and exercise to look sexy for me. All that is gone.
A friend gave me advice that I think is true. My friend said that my husband is no longer the man I loved. Yes, that is true. Now, he is a man who wants to have sex with many women at a time. He is a man who hangs out with a womanizer that thinks women are inferior. He is a man who drinks and gets drunk. He is a man who smokes.
Now, I have a new boyfriend. But can he replace the man my husband was? No. He can't do many things my husband did. And he can do many things that my husband finally lacked - being honest, monogamous, etc. I miss the good qualities my husband had and also appreciate the good qualities of my boyfriend has.
Basset
Re:When you Just Know in_search_of: Wow, you said that very eloquently...and your friend is very wise. My real problem is that, apparently my ex was shocked into action, because he started doing all the things I wanted when we were over. He always said that I made him a better person, and apparently I did make him a better person, by ending it...wow, that makes me want to cry just saying it...I can actually feel tears (which is kind of amazing, I haven't cried in forever, even when I should have lately...) He joined the Air Force when we divorced, he has a job he likes, he is really making something of himself, he doesn't hate what he is doing, he is going to school, and really doing well. If only he could have done well for himself when we were together, I think we could have made it...maybe he needed a shock to set him in line and I gave him that...but either way he did it, and now I miss the man that I knew could be and now is, but apparently never could be with me...I wanted him to do well, I encouraged him to do well, I did everything I could do to help him. I looked up job ads, I proofread letters, I practiced interview techniques with him, I looked at schools and programs with him...I tried I really did. And when I just couldn't do it any more, I looked to someone else to fulfill what he couldn't...the smart, thinking, ambitiousness that I wanted to see in him, I never cheated on him physically, but sometimes I think emotional cheating is better, and I did that, I looked to someone else to meet emotional/psychological/psychosocial needs that he could not. But he is the person I saw in him now, but without me...
I really haven't cried in a long time, I think through all of this I have hardened myself, if I don't let anyone in, I won't get hurt. Even now that my little brother is in Iraq in the middle of all the crap, I can't cry for him, I wanted to the other day, and I just can't do it. If something happens, I am sure I will cry, I worry, but tears just don't come, its like I have cried myself out, and I can't do it anymore. I just want to be able to feel, I don't really feel like I can.
Re:When you Just Know Basset: Dear in_search_of,
You are very lucky that your ex said you made him a better person. I hope he thanked you for it. My husband certainly made me a better person in many ways and I thank him for it. This is exactly what I wrote to him in an email.
[quote"> I remembered that on Feb 14th, I said something like I regret paying your credit card off with my OSAP money. I would like to say sorry for saying such a thing. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and the truth is - I never regret loving you unconditionally. A part of loving you was to make sacrifices in terms of money, time, etc. Plus, I appreciate all the sacrifices you made to love me (e.g. giving me a PDA, paying for Abby's health care). I even appreciate the unpleasant things you have done. You have made me a better and happier person. I just wanted you to know that.[/quote">
I always worry that my husband would be a better person (i.e. become an actuary with >100 000 salary) and not thank me for it at all. He thought of not going to university at all and I persuaded him to do so. When he said he wanted to do accounting, I asked him why. He said he liked the math and economics/business. I said, "if that is the case, why don't you consider being an actuary?" I think he is a math wiz and could do it. Plus, there are not many actuaries as they are accountants and actuaries make more money. On the day we broke up, he accused me of forcing him to be an actuary. I was pissed! Now, that he doesn't have me, he shouldn't go into acturial science then - since I am not there to force him. But I worry he will and not thank me even a bit. >:(
By the way, I won't be able to get along with your roommate either. I have PTSD and I can't handle someone like that! So far, nobody has been able to live with me. My current boyfriend thinks he can but we will see as time goes by.
Basset
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