Re:Here comes the pain picadilly: I have to agree with BP & Christy, the more slack you give her the more she will walk all over you. You apear blasè about it, she's just gonna give the home number to more guys she meets to "compare notes" with. Put your foot down, tell her not to give the home phone number to random men while your there. There is no need for that.
& technically, if they are just comparing notes, should you be talking to this guy, too? I mean, your notes should be good enough for him to compare things with, no need to talk with your wife if you answer the phone. :P just a thought.
BKG, treat her with kindness & love... in a perfect world maybe where the divorce is mutual & there are no hard feelings. But this is the real world, where one partner wants the seperation & the other gets blindsided. Or even if it is mutual, it's hard to be civil if the other partner is actively looking for another person, while your still in the home. Really hard to be civil if you anser the phone & they are asking for your spouse.
In a perfect world none of us would be in this situation.
Re:Here comes the pain bkg: [quote author=picadilly link=board=20;threadid=2587;start=0#msg22167 date=1081268872">
BKG, treat her with kindness & love... in a perfect world maybe where the divorce is mutual & there are no hard feelings. But this is the real world, where one partner wants the seperation & the other gets blindsided. Or even if it is mutual, it's hard to be civil if the other partner is actively looking for another person, while your still in the home. Really hard to be civil if you anser the phone & they are asking for your spouse.
[/quote">
I was blindsided, just like many people here. But my approach to all of this has changed in the last month or so. I was angry, I cried like a baby when I found out she had a boyfriend (post divorce). And during the separation phase, I treated her poorly because I thought I deserved to be treated better by her. And while I did, fighting with her did nothing for the relationship, and it only pushed her away.
I'm not saying encourage the behavior at all. I'm saying treat her with love, but tell her exactly how you feel w/o anger, resentment or bitterness.
Perhaps if we (as a society) were less focused on "who hurt who" or "who is right", we'd be able to see the forest for the trees and know that treating people with love and respect is all that matters. If I had done this to my wife, the outcome may have changed... or may not have. But I would have at least been treating her w/ love, even when she didn't treat me so. Isn't that what God teaches?
I know I have an unpopular opinion, and I'm okay with that. Let's face it though... what I did, and what many people do, during divorce SIMPLY DOESN'T WORK!
EDIT: Treating her w/ love does not mean you allow her to walk all over you. Not by a long shot. Love is not a permission slip to be cruel.
Re:Here comes the pain incoherentlonghorn: I'm kind of with bkg here...but kind of in the middle.
1. I showed love, kindness, and respect to the s2bx until the point where I almost exploded because he treated me unfairly (like yours and her blatant interaction with the men). That is during most of the marriage and after the split. I didn't want to stoop to his level. I would do it again in a heartbeat because it shows him that not everyone in the world will stab you in the back when you are down. Some people will treat others like they wish to be treated even if this behavior is not reciprocated. My mother calls it acting like Jesus, just to what extent. Now, I do get mad, I'm just controled. However, before I shifted the "line" a little further over I did use a butter knife every once in a while.
That doesn't mean she needs to be getting any from you if she if sleeping with her bo's.
2. BP is right, be yourself.
3. Sometimes poeple we love and who DO in fact love us simply don't know how to treat others. Sometimes they do, but they choose not to. My husband loved me but boy did he push too hard, a sick test? How hard can I push and get away with it. I think sometimes people get spoiled by those who are willing to give freely and then forget how special they are. That is until it is too late and they come back down to reality. There is a healthy balance in giving without giving to the point it hurts you.
4. That sucks.
5. How much longer until the internship is over?
6. Moving the line is scary, but it feels good.
Take care!!!
LL
Re:Here comes the pain picadilly: hehe, no, I agree, BKG, we should all do that. Love & repect are a huge part of being who we should be. But it isn't easy at times. Some people have a hard time fighting through the hurt & pain to get to that stage. I think it's very possible but it will not be over night & it probably will not be within the first few months of seperation just because of all the pain involved in seperation or divorce.
I like the idea, just saying that there will be alot of people on the defensive & they tend to regard the other party with suspicion, so if your giving them that "I love you & I accept this" vibe, they may think it's a trick & will be more angry or hurtfull toward you.
Am I being too cynical? :)
Re:Here comes the pain bkg: [quote author=picadilly link=board=20;threadid=2587;start=0#msg22183 date=1081284777">
I like the idea, just saying that there will be alot of people on the defensive & they tend to regard the other party with suspicion, so if your giving them that "I love you & I accept this" vibe, they may think it's a trick & will be more angry or hurtfull toward you.
Am I being too cynical? :)
[/quote">
No... I was the same way. But what I've learned is this: being angry, even if it's righteous anger, doesn't solve anything. It doesn't make the person love you, it doesn't make her treat you any better, it doesn't change the situation at all.
But love may... And again, I never said that loving her means saying "I accept this" - I think that's an easy mistake to make. The book I'm reading right now says to treat her as the person you love more than anything (like when you got married!) but tell her that you are not happy and don't believe her decision is correct. Loving doesn't mean no boundaries and it doesn't mean letting her walk all over you. But even Christ said "turn the other cheek".
I was as cynical as anyone about my wife and my marriage. A good friend said to me "Treat her like a queen! No matter what, treat her like she's an amazing woman whom you adore." I hated hearing that... but the person also had a good point: IF you do this, you WILL see a change in her...
Treat her like you would want her to treat you... I believe it's contrary to our human nature, but I also believe it works...
Click More for the next page.
