we talked again... inebr: I gave in to my h constantly saying that he thought we should get a divorce and told him I would meet him on Thurs to download the papers we needed to fill out and file for the divorce, …I truly felt we “had the talk”, that was that and everything was said and done.
That was Friday about 6pm. Saturday evening he came over and he wanted to reconcile. We talked, I expressed my concern about this working out. He said that he couldn't walk away from the marriage and that getting a divorce didn't reflect what he really felt about us. He said he was very scared and had feelings of being very scared a lot and that made him want to leave. I don't know what has changed for him concretely and I feel shell-shocked. I am trying to just sit back and take this slow. I don’t know what I want to do here. There are obviously trust issues …”when is floor going to fall out again?” .
I can look at this as me being a pushover and taking a stupid risk on a man that doesn’t know what he wants (which could be true) or I could see it as another opportunity to communicate what I need in this relationship.
Please don’t condemn me for this one. I can feel you saying “just leave, he made his choice, you you’re your stand, stick with it”, “he’ll keep doing this again, do you want to live like that?”, "you deserve someone who won't do this to you" (but isn't that who I thought he was in the first place?). I can hear it all now. Well, I don't mean to say anyone is saying that out there in ojar, but there is that little voice, maybe coming from inside of me, that is nagging me about that. I don’t like that voice.
I understand there is no right answer here on this one. And maybe I need to just run for the hills. I want this to work out, I don’t want to get divorced if there is still a chance. Is it worth ending it when there is still a possibility of it working out? Has he honestly in his heart realized something about himself through all of this that will make the situation different this time around? He says he has, but how do I really know? And is the only way to do this is if we go to counseling. He said that he truly thought we could do this without a therapist.
I am willing to begin to rebuild again, take another risk. Maybe it’s different now. This time maybe the focus will feel more on me, less on him and less on the relationship. I believe that’s the only way it can work. This time build for me and if he is around, great, if not, that’s alright too.
When we got married I entered with the mindset that things were now about “us”. It repelled him completely. I don’t know how little “us” I can live with. This is new territory for me.
Through all this he has come back, moved back in, has decided to buy a house. The house buying is something he’s doing for himself. He told me he had been saving for a down payment. The house would be his and the idea is, as of now at least, is that I would live there but any investment I made into the house would be for things that I would take with me if we decide to no longer be together. In theory the idea sounds like a good one. I can save money and pay off student loans without struggling to also pay for part of a mortgage.
I don’t know from one second to another what is going to happen here. I could get home from work today and he could be gone. Who knows. I wanted to keep you all informed. This board has been the biggest support for me in getting through this.
Re: we talked again... down2basics: Inebr,
No one condemns you for wanting to put your marriage back together! We all support saving your marriage if that's possible. We all have trust issues and we have all been where you are. Unfortunately for me, it didn't work, won't work, can't work! However, for you - there are always possibilities (as Spock said!) ;) Only you can decide for yourself what you really want and how you want it to play out.
Go to www.divorcebusters.com and to www.relationshipresource.com. Both websites can help you learn how to communicate effectively what you want and how to get what you need out of the marriage as well as provide whatever it is your husband may need. I truly wish you all the best!
God Bless you always!
d2b
Re: we talked again... notmyself: i wish you and your husband the best of luck in reconciling. do not compromise what you think is important. everything will work out the way it is supposed to in the end. {hugs}
Re: we talked again... barelybreathing: To the contrare inebr!
I applaud you for keeping an open mind. You have every right to be afraid and fear rejection again. But now you are armed better and you are wiser. You will not invest your whole being into it but rather pace yourself this time.
I say it is worth the effort. Remember, in order to heal, you have to let your defenses down and you have to let go of your pride.
I am crossing my fingers for you.
BB
Re: we talked again... atd74: inebr,
Ad d2b said, no one condems you for wanting to try again. I wish you good luck and hopefully your husband's intentions are real but you are taking a risk. You know this of course and from reading your post it sounds like you are aware that this could lead to any end result - even the permanent breakup of your marriage.
I've always said though that a life without risk is a life not worth living. Your husband sounds like he may be taking a step in the right direction however, don't let you guard down too much. You will each need to compromise and give a little but you should also protect yourself because nothing is a guarantee.
Best Wishes!
Keep us posted... ;)
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