Newly separated in Japan gai: Hi everyone,
I'm new to this site so I just thought I would introduce myself.
I haven't managed to read all the posts so I don't know if there's anyone in a similar situation to me. I live and work in Japan and married my Japanese husband 2 years ago (I'm British). We lived together for almost a year before we were married and everything was great, but as soon as we got married we basically went from being lovers to just friends almost overnight.
The marriage hasn't been blissfully happy, but it hasn't been awful either. There have obviously been difficulties due to cultural and language barriers - he doesn't speak much English and I do my best in Japanese but I'm by no means fluent. This means we have extra challenges along with the usual man-woman stuff.
Anyway, he told me he needs time to be by himself to think about if he really wants to be in this marriage, so he's moved back in with his parents. (In Japan, it's not that weird for adults to still live with parents). He says you only have one chance at life so you have to make sure you make yourself happy.
So this was 3 weeks ago. Of course I was really upset at first, but to be honest I feel happier in myself than I had felt for a long time when we were living together. I seem to swing wildly between really missing him and feeling relieved he's not here and I have time to myself. To say the least, I'm confused.
I don't expect anyone will be able to advise me as to what to do, but I don't know whether I should wait for him to make his mind up one way or the other, or if I should just call it quits. One of the main things is that I will be mortified if I am married and divorced within 3 years, and at the age of 32! It feels like such a failure. I really want to make a success of my marriage, but I feel it's out of my hands at the moment. I can see how I've contributed to the problems in the marriage, but if we're not living together how can we try to work out the problems?
I know my situation sounds really pathetic compared to some of the harrowing stories I've read on this site. I just wanted to get this off my chest as I don't have too many people I can talk to about it here in Japan.
I would be interested to hear if anyone else has experience of cross-cultural relationships, and also if anyone else has dealt with these feelings of confusion/ambivalence about breaking up.
:-\
Re: Newly separated in Japan angelina: hi i married a polish man still married seperated i lived in poland since we married 4 years ago but my husband treated me like rubbish he laughed when i tried to speak is laungage and we have a child i left him because he treated me like crap
the thing i know living in a foreign country it was so hard for me two now i am back in england with my son i guess i did not have the help over there from him from everyone els i did but not him so i came home its been nearly a year and i miss he so much but i know he will never change he was an abuser. give it a month or two and if you feel like you do not miss him and your fine then maybe you should sit down and talk to him and see if it going anywhere i married my hsuband after 1 year and i guess we really did not know each other well enough and we rushed in very quickly or maybe you should return back to uk for a while
culture is so difficult but if you really wanna make it work you can .i left my husband because i knew he would never change it was not about culture it was about him like i think its about your husband about what he wants. its exciting being married to someone from another country finding out everything but then it wear off trust me when you really find out what there like. talk to him sit down and see what you both want
anytime you need to talk email me at angel16@excite.com
Re: Newly separated in Japan Topaz: Hi Gai, I was also in a cross-cultural relationship, and like you, after we broke up, I also had a lot of wildly conflicting feelings. I was happy to be free again, and I felt my energy come back, and that was wonderful, even though I missed him, and it was sad to let go of the relationship.
I agree with you - it IS very difficult, if not impossible to work out the problems of a marriage if you don't live together.
Live your life and continue to make plans for yourself.
