7 Months now starzluv: after 7 months of being separated, i feel like i'm no where. i still cry every day, trying to hold it in till my kids are in bed. sometimes i just can't, and i hate to cry in front of the kids. they always curl up nex to me when i cry and ask me "why are you crying momma" and the only thing i say is " don't worry about it, i'm just a little sad today. i will be ok". last night was just soo bad and i don't even know why. i just couldn't stop crying, and i did something soo stupid. i sent my H a txt that said " i guess you were right i am stupid, cuz i still love you and wish you would come back to me". he called this morning (he was at work when i sent it) and asked why i txt him he was standing with his boss when his phone went off and almost got in trouble. he had woken me up when he called and i just told him that i had a bad night, and he told me he had to go get some sleep now, and he would call me when he woke. i'm not sure if i want him to call right now or not. i just wish i could stop feeling like this. with all that has happened, i know i should just walk away and let go of him, but my heart just won't let go. i still have hope that we will get back together. sometimes i feel like an idiot for feeling this way, but i just can't give up. at least not yet.
Re: 7 Months now PiscesGoddess: You're not stupid starz..not at all! People heal at different rates.. you are allowed to take as much time as you need.. You had a rough night and you called your ex..I think most of the people on this board have probably done that..dont beat yourself up for it.
You are stuck with the kids all the time..you dont get much chance to get out and do things for you to get your mind off of him and all that has happened...of course its going to take longer!
There is nothing wrong with hope honey...just be careful that you are not allowing your life to move forward by staying stuck in wanting something from the past.
Go easy on yourself..and I know its hard to let the kids see you hurting...just the other nite I was sobbing after a big fight with my hubby and my 2 older kids both came and wrapped their arms around me and said "it's okay mommy"..I felt like such a heal that they saw me that way..but.. kids are stronger than we think. And as long as you reassure them that you are okay..and its nothing they have done...and continue to be the great mom that you have been they will be fine.
7 months is really a very short time..I know you probably dont want to feel this way anymore..and I can almost promise you someday you won't..but right now..allow yourself to grieve.
Hang in there honey..I am wishing you strength!
Pisces
Re: 7 Months now starzluv: thanks. i'm doing my best. it doesn't always help though when i say something to my MIL and she kind of distorts it and tells my H her version of what i say. i haven't worked in about 6 weeks and i had made the coment to my MIL that if i HAD to reapply for cash assistance, then i was going to go to school first then worry about wgetting a job. well i just got a call from my H and he told me his mom told him that i was going to file again. i had to explain to him that what i said was if i don't find a new job soon and i had to apply again that i was going to go to school. he wants me to be able to go to school, but right now he can't afford to help me and if i apply i already know that they will go after him for $1000 a month. he is already ordered to pay $800 for his daughter and can't afford his bills as it is. right now i'm pretty much stuck. if he had it to give he would give me the money i neded to keep the bills payed so i could go back to school (or at least he says he would) he just doesn't have it right now. sad thing is since i live in public housing and am out of work right now my rent is set at $0 all i have to deal with is $56 for gas $40 for electric, and about $50 for my phone. my dad pays my car insurance for me (he keeps telling me not to worry about the insurance he will pay that cuz it doesn't hurt him any to do it) so i figure all i'd need is about $200 a month to get by on. i'm going to talk o him next time he comes over and see if there is a way we can work it out so i can go to school. if he can't handle that much he has already offered to help me find a job. if i can get a part time job, i can handle my bills and still go to school. ok, i think i went off my original subject here, oh well.
Re: 7 Months now PiscesGoddess: Starz- Ive been in those shoes..believe me..the public housing and the whole bit..and if this one doesnt work out..I'll be back there too. Dont be to hard on yourself for using the resources that are out there! Do you have a local college? do they have a displaced homemakers program? They have that here where I live and its for women that are separated or divorced and they help you get back to school..help with financial aid the whole bit.
You could probably apply to school ..get financial aide..with some left over for living expenses.
Honey..I think you're letting him off the hook a bit here..he should at least pay you something.
At least get food assistance for you and the kids..if not cash. If you want to you can PM me with what city you live in and I can see if I can research some resources for you okay? Contact your kids school.. (are any of them in school yet..I cant remember??) lots of times you can get help that way also.
Right now..you have to be a little bit selfish..if not for you ..then for the kids..that doesnt mean you have to take him to the cleaners..it just means..a little support is not uncalled for here.
and dont feel bad about your dad paying your car insurance..my parents paid my car insurance all through my first marriage!
Let me know if theres anything I can do....
Pisces
btw- maybe talking to the MIL isnt such a good idea if she is distorting the things you say ???
Re: 7 Months now starzluv: i do get food stamps and medical assistance. and i have my application in for the heating assistance (waiting to hear back on that one). 2 of my kids are in school, the only thing they have through the school to help me in any way right now is the before and after school program. i'm planning to go talk to my caseworker tomorrow to see if she knows of any kind of programs for me.. the big problem is here most of the programs require you to be on cash assistance. which doesn't help too much when i am trying to avoid having to go back on it. i'm not letting him off the hook, i've seen his paychecks, with them taking soo much out for his daughters child support he really doesn't have anything to give. his last paycheck for 1 week after they took the support was for $86. i don't even want to know how he is managing right now. i live in one of those small towns here in PA. Carlisle it's about an hour from harrisburg which is here the community college is. i think they have one in mechanicsburg that's about a 30 minute drive away. the hardest part about finding a job right now is my 2 year old. i have day care set up for her, but the only way it's payed for is if i am working. they won't pay for daycare for me to find a job. i don't know of any place that is going to hire someone if they take a 2 year old on a job interview. my MIL would watch her if she could, but she just can't do it she watches my nieces all day and has a had time with them. it's too much for her to have mine too.
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