confused, feeling numb, and relief- what's next? aphrodite: I just changed my home # so he can't obsessively keep calling me. He has my cell number to reach me to make arrangements to see our daughter and that's all he needs.
I am feeling alot of things right now:
1. Confused: I don't understand his actions. He leaves me for a slutty secretary. Ends up buying her an engagement ring 3 months after I file for divorce. Then 2 months ago makes little moves to come back. Then 2 weeks ago says he loves me and wants a "new start" for us and comes up with all these plans. He says the slut is truly bipolar and on medication and he never wants to see her again. He says all these horrible things about her and that she was like sleeping with a "cold fish". He then went to the doctor and got tested and immediately showed me the test results so I might think about having sex with him. I told him I didn't want to sleep with him right now and we just need to take things slow and gain a friendship and trust again and go to counceling. A week goes by, my mother visits, and then I find out he has been with the secretary. He tells me he is confused and still has feelings for her and because I am not giving him sex he is going to go spend his money on the secretary and get sex from her because he is lonely and has job problems. He says he tried (yeah maybe for like 2 weeks) and because I won't immediately drop my pants and have sex with him he is done trying. I then find out as well as going to the doctor for a blood test the doctor prescribed Prozac for him for depression.
He is now mad at me because I won't "screw him", because I won't let him come over every night, and for other reasons that don't make logical sense.
On top of these events, the divorce agreement is done and him and his attorney just need to sign it but for some reason they are not signing it and dragging it out.
2. Feeling Numb: He is not a good father. When he does come to see our daughter he doesn't hug her alot, gets very frustrated when she cries, and says he can't handle her whining. She is 19months old and entering the terrible twos early- yes she is a handful but aren't all 2 year olds?
I guess the thing that blows me away the most is that he said he hates all little kids and that once our daughter is older and not crying alot then he will want to see her and I should be prepared for that- almost threatening me. Blows me away how he doesn't "like her now" but will when she is older and easier and then he will want to spend time with her? His anger management issues also concern me. I just feel numb when I think about his relationship with our daughter- maybe to try and block out the hurt that I married someone that is so unsensitive to his own child. I feel sometimes guilty that she has such an absent father and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't change his feeling and efforts on being a father to her.
3. Relief: I feel relief that this divorce process is at the end. I feel like I have been running this long race these past 6 months (I'm in CA and it takes 6 months to get divorced). I want to cross the finish line. I just hope he signs on what we agreed on and doesn't change his mind because I won't get back together with him. I am also relieved that I recently met another man that is so kind to my daughter and understands that I have to give her my attention. Although I am just having fun with this guy and it is nothing serious- it gives me hope that I willl meet a man that will accept my daughter , be kind to her and me, and want to be with me regardless if I have a child, and if she is having a typical two crying fit. This guy I am dating is great- he is very easy to be around, he is so calm, he has become a good friend plus some. I believe in kind men again. I am not bitter from this divorce experience and now know I can have feelings for a man again without holding back because I have been hurt and the trust in my marriage was broken. I am relieved to have excitment for someone again. I just want to start a new life and keep growing.
I guess my question would be - Is this normal to have all these feelings when the divorce is almost over?...I mean when do you get to the point of.. I guess just feeling peace and acceptance even if your X is acting crazy and making things difficult? Any thought or experiences would be much appreciated about now :-)
Re: confused, feeling numb, and relief- what's next? Lumpy: Keep on movin' on. He wants to come back and his reason is the OW isn't as good a catch as he intially thought? Tough titty pal. You spun the wheel and lost. Get back in line...The thing that strikes me is the complete and total lack of accountability...She's bipolar, She's a cold fish, You're a b#$ch for not giving him sex...It's almost like he believes that you ran off with someone else. Do yourself a favor and finish this.
Re: confused, feeling numb, and relief- what's next? sosad05: Isnt it amazing?? Sometimes they think the grass is greener on the other side. He apparently realized his left a good thing. Now, he wants back. The whole sex thing makes me sick. Thats how my xh was too.
[quote"> He tells me he is confused and still has feelings for her and because I am not giving him sex he is going to go spend his money on the secretary and get sex from her because he is lonely and has job problems.[/quote">
I would be inclined to say f*ck off. You made your bed, now lie in it! That is a horrible thing for him to say to you.
You sound like your very strong and in a good place. Hold your head high. You're too good for him! You'll get stronger every time you turn him away.
Re: confused, feeling numb, and relief- what's next? DOK: OK, question:
Why do girls say they want a nice, kind, considerate, thoughtful person for their SO, but always seem to pick the bad-boy, rise-to-the-top-of-the-corporate-ladder-at-any-cost, narcissistic type?
Same reason I guess that guys say they want a nice, kind, generous, cute person for their SO, but then always pick the slutty, catty, petty, high-maintenance, narcissistic type.
I made that mistake my first go of it. I didn't make that mistake my second go of it.
If we don't learn from the past, we are doomed to repeat it!
Aphrodite: Please tell me you're not even considering getting back with tweedle-dum. What others have posted is so true - you were in love with an image, a mirage, it was only after time that his true self broke through, and you saw him for what he truly is. So he calls the OW all sorts of names when he's with you? What do you think he says about you to the OW? Think about it. Somebody who spends their life dissing others, most certainly is dissing you (in the most vile and degrading way) when he's talking with others about you.
DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT! You deserve so much more in life - all good people do. Let the crappy people get together with other crappy people - they deserve each other. You, on the other hand, need to find somebody who's values, and sense of self, is more closely aligned with yours. You'll be amazed at how much happiness you can find in life - because it is out there, on a level that you probably don't even believe is possible.
Faith in the good and the right. And it will find you.
(And I'm not even religious, lol.)
Thus spoke DOK
