On imposed part time fatherhood sudboy: I'm getting a crash course on what it means to be a part-time father. I'm almost four months separated now -- in case you don't know, my STBXW moved out after eight years of marriage so she could pursue a relationship with her new man. So these days I keep my son three or sometimes four nights a week. And while I'm grateful my son is still in my life, and I'm happy to see him whenever I can -- lately I feel like more of a child caretaker or babysitter than a real father. And this lack of regular structured involvement is bothering me more and more.
Of course I'm well past the panic mode that invariably results from being dumped. I've already bought her out of her half of our house and I'm officially separated -- and now I'm flying in a twilight zone holding pattern where I'm waiting for the divorce to become final. In other words things have settled down from the traumatic existince I knew just a short while ago, yet life is still not normal. But I have had time to think about normal things again, and in particular the sort of upbringing my son will have in his post traditional family environment.
How am I supposed to be an effective father when I only see him half the time? And during that time it seems like I'm so busy with fixing meals, doing laundry, bathtime, bedtime, paying bills, other chores, and daycare dropoffs that there's not enough time to do father-son stuff. I do make sure I read to my son at bedtime, and I try to spend some time playing with him each day -- but it doesn't seem like it's enough. There's got to be more to life in a father son family than this.
This is all compounded, I'm sure, by the fact that mommy's brand new man has jumped right into the role of new family man. Yeah I know it's a huge red flag, considering he just dumped his own family too, but that's my STBX's problem and I digress. But it galls the hell out of me when I pick my son up from his mother he tells me how he went to the playground with the OM, got a haircut with the OM, ate dinner with the OM, etc, etc....
I've lost control over half of my son's upbringing -- and I hate it!
Sudboy
Re: On imposed part time fatherhood Lumpy: Just treasure the half you do have and make the most of it. It made me cringe at first to hear the kids talk about what they did with "the new guy". Eventually I accepted the fact that this was a good thing. There is another adult who cares for them and is involved in their lives in a positive way. I guess I'm fortunate in that this is not the guy that she left me for. Be the best father you can be. How old is your son? Try and create a ritual that is uniquely yours and his. Whether it's a series of books you read to him, a weekly movie date, a show the two of you always watch together, etc. I get the impression that you're a good dad. Talk to him, stay connected to him.
Re: On imposed part time fatherhood kev: Hey sud,
You do the best you can with the time you have. Your son will always be your son, and maybe i didn't catch how old your son is, but I know that small kids, 5-8ish, really value the attention of parents, birth or step, or sig other.
When my ex and i got married, her kids were 5 and 8. And through lies and forgeries, her ex got residential custody of her kids. we had the kids every weekend or every other weekend. We made the most of our time with them, didnt play the games parents sometimes do, and for my part, i treated them like they were my own. Of course they had a father, and i never tried to be their father or replace their father.
And their stepmom, well she was opposite. she would tell the kids that their mother was a horrible person and that she didn't love them, and that they had to call her mom, etc. my ex didn't play into those games. she just was MOM to them. when the kids would say, "stepmom did this or bought me this, or ________" and really put her on a pedestal, my ex put it in perspective...she bore those kids, and no matter how hard the stepmom tried or forced herself on the kids, she would never be their mom.
And now, the kids are "grown up", 18 and 21. And you know who they call when they need to talk to somebody, when they are needing advice or want to share stuff with? MOM. They don't like or respect the stepmom...she tried to buy their affection or force it on them, because she never understood that being a parent means more than being the enforcer and giving ultimatums. She never grasped the fact that unconditional love will command the respect of the kids.
anyway, through all of that, i guess what i am trying to say, is that your son knows who is dad. he might be impressed right now by OM and the "adventures" he has with him...but when the day is done, love wins out and even though he may not see it now, he will see down the road that daddy read to him at bed, gave him baths, cooked his dinner, and played with him. Every moment spent with him on your part is not going to be filled with fun and games, nor should it be. Something simple as watching his favorite tv or taking him to see grandma, or letting him help work on the car or whatever, will be the stuff he remembers, and will be normal for him.
Just my opinion, but I say don't worry needlessly. it sounds like you are superinvolved in your son's life and that is what counts.
Re: On imposed part time fatherhood kev: Oh and just one other thing, since i was the stepdad to these kids. I got a phone call recently from the kids' dad, when he found out that we were divorcing. He said that he hated to hear it, couldn't believe it, but most of all, he told me that he could not have picked a better person to help raise his kids, and that he would always respect me for the man that i am, and for showing his kids what a "father" should be, even though i was not their father.
So you see, just doing what is right and normal and living a good life, speaks volumes to your kids, and to others.
Re: On imposed part time fatherhood philadelphia_forever: Please don't take this the wrong way, and i'm sure to get flamed by some fathers on here, but reading certain statements that you made bother me.
For one, you as a separated, divorced, etc, father become a caregiver when your son is with you. You have to feed him, bathe him, etc. What exactly are the father-son things that you feel you should be doing? Did you not do those things when you were with your wife, or did you leave it up to your wife to do? It's not being a glorified babysitter or child care worker to take care of your son. I'm sorry, but you are never a part time father, you are always a father. there is no part time or full time when it comes to that.
Stop thinking about the things that the OM is doing with your son. In your relationship with your son, they are not important. He's just another person in your son's life who is interacting with him. It sounds to me like you want to be "disney dad", which may come from the fact that you are not with your son on a day and to day and want to do only the fun things. Again, being a father is a full time responsibility, even if you are not there. You should be reveling in the fact that you are providing your son with the best care that you can, not just going to the playground and doing the fun things.
Think about it.
Oh, and as long as you are taking care of your son in the manner in which you say you are, how are you losing control over his upbringing? You are still with him, you still take care of him and you still instill your values and morals on him each and everytime you two are together. To me, that is more important than going to the playground.
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