Resentments and forgiveness. Irony: Yet another sleepless night....
Dear D______
Yesterday we spent about 6 hours together at the house... packing up more of your stuff to get ready to take it to your house around the corner.
It was a bittersweet time for me. I can't speak for you.
We worked and then we talked and talked and talked.
I told you that I forgave you for how you had treated me and you said you had forgiven me for how I had treated you.
How noble of you.
So please explain this one to me:
What's the difference between lack of forgiveness and not being able to let go of resentments?
After you told me how forgiving you were, you proceeded to go through a litany of resentments you're still carrying around, some of them from over three years ago.. all things I did to you, or to your out of control (at the time) son, or your granddaughter!
So where's your forgiveness? I'm really not seeing it here.
No wonder you don't want to be married anymore.
I think you want to have it both ways... and you're still acting like the wounded child.
You want to sound like the bigger person here, and yet, still harbor so much resentment that you can't see us ever being more than friends. Some friend!
WTF?
So which it is?
Am I forgiven, like I forgive you, or are you still so angry at me that that the thought of reconcilliation has become out of the question to you?
I feel sorry for you at this point. Yes, we both did some hurtful things to each other. Yes parts of our marriage were difficult and painful to say the least.
But you, the one who always says she doesn't want to sit and dredge up the past, dredged up so much sh*t last night that it makes it difficult to understand why you would want to ever be friends with me at all.
Hopefully some day you'll be able to release some of the anger inside of you, anger that was there long before you and I ever met.
I'm sorry you felt so guilty about the affair you had during your first marriage that you let R___ rake you over the coals so badly that you left your first marriage with next to nothing. I'm sorry that now I seem to be paying for R____'s sins by you wanting to take so much of the equity in this house with you.
Why? Just to get back at me for all your resentments? To get back at R____?
All the money put into fixing up this old house, the downpayment money, the money to contractors, the money for furniture, all that money was money I had saved all my life from working my butt off BEFORE we got married. Now you tell me you think you're entitled to half of it.
I'll gladly let you have half of what's left over after the mortgage and the second mortgage are paid off, and if we can figure how much of my pre-marriage money I spent on this house that you wanted so badly. I'd like to at least got back some of the money I put into this place with renovations and a big down payment. You told me that it should make up at least for you losing your retirement from Georgia.
Let's see.. I think there's about six thousand dollars in that retirement fund. Some retirement.
If you'd have stayed in Georgia, there's be at least a whopping $7K in there by now!
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Re: Resentments and forgiveness. Irony: (continued)
I'm not R____ and won't leave you destitute. But you need to revise your financial desires a bit downward here.
I think at this point though, that would give you something else to be resentful about.
Sorry your life (growing up, first marriage) was so damned difficult.. I didn't cause it. I really don't want to wind up paying for it.
I think you'll agree that since L____ told me of your financial plight, I've stepped up tio the plate and helped you out over and above what most people in my situation would have. A while back you told me you were "just getting by" and I figured that meant that between rent and expenses and your salary, things balanced out for you. I mean, aren't you the same lady who can spend an hour at Wal-Mart reading labels deciding which model of Swiffer to buy? I figured that you would have rented your home away from home based on your ability to pay for it from your salary.
I had no way of knowing.
How the hell was I supposed to know that what you meant by "just getting by as it is" was that you were destitute and had been living on eggs and grits for months?
The very day that L___ told me of your financial plight, I put a big chunk of money in your checking account, bought you a month's supply of groceries, (and delivered them to your house even though you wouldn't even come to the door..I had to leave them outside on your porch) I then paid 1500 bucks to get your car fixed.
I did none of these things because I had to. I did them because I wanted to do them.
Yet, last night you showed me with your words that you're still resentful of my "not knowing" of your financial situation.
Both ways, D____. Both ways!
I hope that someday all the anger you hold inside of you gets resolved.
I hope that someday you'll learn to love yourself enough trust others again, and to be as perfect and honorable as you expect others to be.
I see you being eaten alive by the very resentments you carry within you.
How sad for you.
How sad for this guy who would lay down his life for you and who loves you more than anything in the world.
As for all your resentments: let them out! Unleash them at me every chance you get. It's the only way you'll ever be free of them.
Can't wait to see you today if the rain stops, so we can get your stuff in the truck.
iron man
Re: Resentments and forgiveness. Irony: ps...
it looks like you've got so much anger and resentment in your heart that you haven't got any room left to love anyone else.
I pray for you.
Re: Resentments and forgiveness. Lumpy: You're absolutely right Iron, she can't have it both ways. She's no longer your responsibility financially and I think any resentment she harbors regarding that is ill founded. In light of what you did (groceries and depositing money in her account) I don't see how she can hold you responsible for her financial situation. In regards to your whole forgiveness/resentment question I'm not sure what the answer is. All I can say is that although I have forgiven my ex I'll never forget. I no longer throw it in her face or bring things up in conversation, but I also don't trust her or take her at her word for anything at this point.
