Alone Again kharma09: Well, been separated from husband #2 for a month now. The first one was a mistake, young love and all. He was a little warped and after he cheated, that was it for me. That relationship lasted 10 years. The second time around I thought i'd been so careful. He seemed so sincere and not a habitual liar like my first one. The only thing I didn't care for were his periods of occassional depression. Still, he was my best friend and we married after dating then living together for 2 years.
Immediately after the marriage he started witholding sex, became a porn addict, gambling addict, didn't work much or regularly, squandered his own paycheck and then yelled at me when I wouldn't give him money from my own. After trying to suffer through and find the man and the love once again, etc. etc. ... I gave up after around 2 1/2 years and showed him the door. I'd still take him back if he was sincere and made great efforts like counseling for a few months that he initiated and paid for on his own. The only time he's tried to get together with me since the separation was when he came by one night begging for $300 to pay his rent because he'd gambled his paycheck away. I swear, he never pulled stunts like that with his paycheck before we were married - we shared money the year before we married/while living together! Just because I love him doesn't mean i'm going to be kicked around, though - I of course told him "no". My family was very proud of me.
I just feel so cheated. I tried so hard to choose a good man this time. I knew my first husband had probs before we married and I thought I could change him but this 2nd one totally shocked me. Before marriage I asked SO MANY questions regarding morality, spirituality, money, family, goals, needs, etc. etc. All of the big stuff that I could think of. He's either impotent or not attracted to me because we hadn't a sex in a long time before he left. I kinda never got a chance to feel married because the big probs came out right off the bat. I'm angry at him for wasting my time, lying to me and embarrassed because I like and crave the married life and right now am feeling like used goods. I mean, who wants a 2 time divorcee?
I am feeling very lonely and want the married life which I feel I never had. If he doesn't make a real and substantial attempt before I move out of town, then i'm considering moving on. I'm a pretty resilient person and I refuse to sit in the corner of life and twiddle my thumbs. Sure, I get depressed sometimes but I guess that'll work itself out. If anyone's been in this boat ... like experienced a gambling addict or is a 2 time divorcee, i'd be interested in knowing how you handled/handling things. 'Bye!
Re: Alone Again EssieDotCom: *SUPER BIG HUGSSSSSS*!
Re: Alone Again alonewith2: I'm not a 2x divorcee or married to a gambling addict, so I can't really help with specifics. My stbx did like material possessions and spent a lot of money obtaining them. He never paid any bills or bought anything for anyone but himself.
But please keep posting and hopefully we can help!
Re: Alone Again humblecaterpillar: [quote author=kharma09 link=topic=26506.msg254131#msg254131 date=1141818813"> ...right now am feeling like used goods. I mean, who wants a 2 time divorcee?
...If anyone's been in this boat ... like experienced a gambling addict or is a 2 time divorcee, i'd be interested in knowing how you handled/handling things.
[/quote">
Alone Again,
I am trying my best to take the advice of an amazing person I know, who is living an abundant life full of love and happiness. He says that we are not our past, that our past does not determine our future, and that it only looks like that because we bring it with us through our thoughts and our attachment to our story and our victimhood. If we can do the work to see the Truth (which is different from the facts) that we are worthy of Good, that we live in a loving universe (regardless of appearances) that is set up for our own spiritual growth (which sometimes looks like pain), that we live life from the inside, out, and that our deeply held beliefs help determine our experiences, we will see amazing changes in our lives. I am not saying that you or other ojar members are responsible for the crap that your exes did - we all have free will, the first gift of love, which makes us vulnerable to the crap that others are creating with their thoughts and beliefs. What I wanted to say is that your two divorces have nothing to do with your worth or your suitability for marriage...if you do the inner work and process your own actions during your marriage and how you responded to the crap of your husbands and claim some responsibility (if you claim no responsibility, you give away all of your own power), then your two marriages are actually precious...and the wisdom you gain from them will make you a prize for any man, far better than the naive girl you once were. For our relationships are here to grow us...to show us how to give AND receive love more openly and authentically. You've had the unenviable opportunity to learn to love men who could not reciprocate, but I believe that somewhere in there is much power and opportunity for you.
You see, my wife did the same as you...she married a man who at the time was not able to reciprocate fully, and I descended into addiction and have found my way out and am in recovery. She is choosing not to stay with me, but through all of this she has become an amazing spirit whom I admire so much - she is the most beautiful woman I have ever met, far more so than eight years ago...and this is not just my remorse talking, because everyone around us agrees. She has done the inner work over these past eight years and is really a light, is able to give so much love, and unfortunately feels that she deserves more than I can give.
So yes, I've been in your boat, but I've been the one at the oars steering it over the waterfall, like your past two husbands. And I will soon be a two-time divorcee, but I am conscious like never before in my life, am becoming a man whom I respect and admire and who can feel and give and receive more love than I ever imagined, and someday I will make a woman very lucky and glad to have have me in her life. And she will hear my stories about my crappy past and be glad that they are where they should be - IN THE PAST- and thankful for those experiences which brought me out of my slumber and to a place where I could be all that she will come to know and love. It all starts with realizing that you are LOVED already, that you are never alone, that you deserve to be loved, and only then can you bring to you the marriage that will truly satisfy you. That's what i choose to believe anyway, for what it's worth...
Humble Caterpillar
