I don't know what to do! HELP sugspc: Here's the story. A few weeks ago my BF whom I have lived with for 1 1/2 years has decided he's had enough and tells me he's unhappy. He has told me he's unhappy only during when we fight. He has never pulled me to the side when things are good to tell me this. I have also said things only to hurt him..I didn't mean it. (ie breaking up, moving back home, I can find someone better) So I never took him seriously. He has said equally mean things as well. He claims that I didn't show him I loved him by saying that! I'm to blame but he isn't? I always showed him I loved him by hugging him, telling him I love him, texting him, giving back massages etc. He did the same back. I'm so confused.
Anyway I met him online one year before I moved 700 miles away from my family to be with him and work on our relationship. I always gave him his space. He saw his friends every weekend etc. He still states he loves me but needs more space. (his friend is moving in with him when I move out to save money) He's not GAY or seeing anyone on the side. I checked. I keep hoping he changes his mind. I can't move back home becasue I have no job and the economy is bad there. I can't move into a new place until May 1st! So I have two months of living with him. I cry almost every other night sometimes begging him to change his mind. I try to tell him we can work things out, now that I know where we are at fault. I didn't know how bad it was until it was too late. He won't budge. But states he loves and cares about me and wants to be friends and help me move but doesn't want to work things out. He states he tired to tell me, I just didn't listen. I don't think that's fair. Why is he being a jerk about this?
I'm too the point now that I'm so angry at him and when I do move out I don't think I want him back! I know that once I do..reality will hit him smack in the face and he will come crawling back. I don't know if I should just bit the bullet and go home with no job and live with my parents (I'm 30 he's 28) or stick around for this drama! This relationship/ breakup is affecting my sleep, my work and my school. Why would someone who claim they love you and even stated he still see's being with me, not now, but in the future do this to me? How can I trust him not to do this to me again? Why do men feel they need to find themselves while in the process hurt the ones they claim to love and risk losing them!!! Thanks!
Re: I don't know what to do! HELP sugspc: Well, I would like to say that I figured out what I need to do. I've been going to a counsler and found out where and how my anger come from. I can't move home because it stems from it. I need to get my own place and work on myself first before I can get into any serious relationship. That makes me feel better in letting go and moving on. It won't work and it can't work unless I become a happier person inside. Then I can be a happier person to those around me.
Re: I don't know what to do! HELP JNA: [quote author=sugspc link=topic=26528.msg254568#msg254568 date=1141865658">
Well, I would like to say that I figured out what I need to do. I've been going to a counsler and found out where and how my anger come from. I can't move home because it stems from it. I need to get my own place and work on myself first before I can get into any serious relationship. That makes me feel better in letting go and moving on. It won't work and it can't work unless I become a happier person inside. Then I can be a happier person to those around me.
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Welcome to Michaels Board...
Do what you think is "right" and never take advice from a shrink or counselor when normally there whole goal is to build clientelle...
You can work it out with him if you want
I had someone similar to this that gave "mixed" signals left and right...It made me question myself too as you are doing now...
Be who you are and don't change for anyone unless they are also willing to change for you
Sounds like your sweetie has communication problems or someone in the wings he is courting...
Guilt would make him want to help you but not come back
I'm sorry this has happened to you...I know a lot about the situation because I've had it played on me...
Be you...Do what makes "you" happy
Then dump the Counselor...He will only confuse you more
IMO
JNA
BTW...
You have to be very careful with people in the Psycological profession and the individuals in Medical research
Psychs will tell you there is something wrong with you when there is not (Happened to my Sister)
Then I had a friend read a book about AIDS when he is as straight as a ten penny nail...
The book made him almot successfully commit suicide
Until I explained Medical Researchers spread panic to get funding for research...
I dispelled everything in the book and he is ok now
Watch yourself when dealing with types like this ok...
Re: I don't know what to do! HELP sylvia3113: Whoa! I totally disagree about dumping the counselor. There may be a few quacks out there, but I don't think the majority of counselors are in the business to build clientelle. One or two perceived bad experiences does not negate an entire profession that has helped millions and millions of people for years and years.
You cannot generalize that all counselors, psychiatrists and psychologists are only out for profit and seek to make you mentally ill when there is nothing wrong with you in order to drum up business. In fact in the ten years that I was in the business and the 2 years that I have now been in the medical profession, I can think of not one single professional who I thought did not have their patient's best interest at heart or who was only trying to make a buck. There are FAR easier and less stressful ways to make money than in a helping profession.
Having been in that profession previously, #1 it takes many years of schooling and dedication #2 it's not an easy job, often is a thankless and frustrating job and requires a certain kind of person to listen to others problems day in and day out and attempt to help them and #3 you don't make that much freaking money to make it about money.
If you are gaining insight about yourself and feel that you are being helped, by all means continue to seek counseling. If you feel that you are not receiving any benefit, or are not a match with your counselor, by all means cease counseling or seek a different therapist.
Often it takes a neutral 3rd party to see things that those closest to you either can't see or can't tell you. They are not trying to confuse you, on the contrary they are trying to help you clear things up in your life. And of course, as a free- thinker, you are certainly able to throw all their advice out the window or pick a few good things out and move along in your life.
ok, rant over.
As far as your bf.....sometimes when you fight dirty, that does permanent damage to your relationship. It sounds like you two said some pretty brutal things to each other in the heat of the moment. Just an observation.
I too got the "i tried to tell you, you just didn't listen" bull crap. Well, obviously they didn't try very hard, now did they? If they had, we would have known it for crying out loud. Little hints and inuendos are no way to communicate a huge problem like dissatisfaction in a relationship.
Don't take all the blame for this, he is trying to relieve some of his guilt by making it appear that you were blind and it is all your fault for not noticing his "hints" and changing for him.
Good Luck!
CG
Re: I don't know what to do! HELP sugspc: [quote author=curlygirl link=topic=26528.msg254641#msg254641 date=1141875012">
Whoa! I totally disagree about dumping the counselor. There may be a few quacks out there, but I don't think the majority of counselors are in the business to build clientelle. One or two perceived bad experiences does not negate an entire profession that has helped millions and millions of people for years and years.
You cannot generalize that all counselors, psychiatrists and psychologists are only out for profit and seek to make you mentally ill when there is nothing wrong with you in order to drum up business. In fact in the ten years that I was in the business and the 2 years that I have now been in the medical profession, I can think of not one single professional who I thought did not have their patient's best interest at heart or who was only trying to make a buck. There are FAR easier and less stressful ways to make money than in a helping profession.
Having been in that profession previously, #1 it takes many years of schooling and dedication #2 it's not an easy job, often is a thankless and frustrating job and requires a certain kind of person to listen to others problems day in and day out and attempt to help them and #3 you don't make that much freaking money to make it about money.
If you are gaining insight about yourself and feel that you are being helped, by all means continue to seek counseling. If you feel that you are not receiving any benefit, or are not a match with your counselor, by all means cease counseling or seek a different therapist.
Often it takes a neutral 3rd party to see things that those closest to you either can't see or can't tell you. They are not trying to confuse you, on the contrary they are trying to help you clear things up in your life. And of course, as a free- thinker, you are certainly able to throw all their advice out the window or pick a few good things out and move along in your life.
ok, rant over.
As far as your bf.....sometimes when you fight dirty, that does permanent damage to your relationship. It sounds like you two said some pretty brutal things to each other in the heat of the moment. Just an observation.
I too got the "i tried to tell you, you just didn't listen" bull crap. Well, obviously they didn't try very hard, now did they? If they had, we would have known it for crying out loud. Little hints and inuendos are no way to communicate a huge problem like dissatisfaction in a relationship.
Don't take all the blame for this, he is trying to relieve some of his guilt by making it appear that you were blind and it is all your fault for not noticing his "hints" and changing for him.
Good Luck!
CG
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Thanks for the advice. I was starting to wonder if anyone was going to answer. I still feel like I'm at a total loss. I know moving back home with my parents will not make things better. I don't believe he's seeing anyone else on the side. I think it's deeper issues in his head. Guilt from having me move to another state away from my family. The pressure of the relationship. He could have felt smothered by me. This is the first time living with a girlfriend and I guess maybe he feels that he's going to lose touch with his friends. Who knows. Each day that passes and every time I think of the past year in a half I wonder why I should go back with him? I still love him very much. But for him not to try and work things out and to take the easy road out really sucks. I have to pack up my things again and move out so he can have his 'space". Then once I know I'm out ...he's going to call me and checkimg up on me. He does when I go out. "Because he Cares."
WOW...that's so nice of him. But he's just doesnt care enough to take things further and work out our issues. I'm so sick of the games. He wantst to be friends but continues to place that knife in my back. He tells me he still loves me...
Little does he know...I'm falling out of love with him. Guys never think far enough ahead to what will happen.
