My Story nhlaholic: So, here I sit wondering how it ever came to this. I have been with my wife for over 13 years; married for 10. She happened along a good friend of mine near the end of 2004. Lo and behold, come April of 2005 they were in bed together. There is the obvious pain of betrayal by both a friend and my wife. And, of course, I find my self feeling more disdain for him than I do her. I could go into a novel as to why I feel this way, but that's futile at this point. The dilemma I face is whether we should try to salvage the marriage or just give up and divorce. Perhaps you, the reader, can provide some testimony or insight. I suppose I should share a little history.
We moved from CA to NM in 2003 with a 2 year old and an infant. That separated us significantly, geographically, from our respective families. I am quite an independent man who does not rely on family ties (specifically parents and siblings) in order to sustain my self-esteem. She on the other hand is quite the opposite and requires that stimulation. I suppose that I was probably a little insensitive to that when we moved. However, she and I both agree, looking back, that it was a wise move. She grew more independent and we capitalized on the lower cost of living to eliminate our mutual debt and get on top of our finances. The sacrifice? She, being a housewife, lost contact with the adult influences in her life. Her day-to-day human interaction was almost completely compromised of baby talk. It so happens that the position I accepted there in NM required about 30% travel. That only lessened the amount daily of adult interaction. Besides, I don't think that anyone wants their sole adult interface to be with their spouse. We need other activity with friends and relatives and such. Anyway, seeing that she was having so much difficulty assimilating and making friends, I was thrilled to see a friendship blossom between she and a good friend of mine that I met while she was spending the summer in CA with family in 2004. I introduced them sometime in the fall of 2004. At first, they only spoke to one another during get-togethers and such. She went back to CA to spend Xmas with the family in 2004. Often, we spoke on the phone while I was hanging out with a group of couples of which this "friend" was a single member. Now, during these conversations, I would often pass the phone around so that she could talk to everyone and say hi. I was simply trying to show her that she had plenty of friends there in NM that cared for her and missed her when she was away. I didn't find it odd at the time, but looking back I should have realized that something was wrong when she would spend an incredible amount of time speaking to this "friend". I thought that she had simply found someone to connect with. Perhaps that's all it was at that time. Who knows? Come February of 2005, she was again in CA (see a trend?). I decided to surprise her by flying out (she always stays at my parents' house) and simply being there when she came home from shopping. It worked beautifully. It is hard to remember another time in our relationship when we were so happy and blissfully in love. We spent the entire weekend together. We had great activities, splendid conversation, incredible intimacy; it was real quality time. She came back to NM in April, 2005. The "friend" had moved back home to NY in March of the same year. His birthday, and the birthday of a lady in our circle of mutual friends, are both in April. A few days after her return, a Saturday, was a surprise birthday party for the lady. Our "friend" from NY was part of her surprise. He asked my wife to join him at happy hour at his old hang-out with his former co-workers. My wife agreed, and naturally, since I trusted her unconditionally, encouraged the night out and volunteered to tend to the little ones while she went out. Who am I to keep her from spreading her wings and breaking free from the monatany of parenting? Right? In fact, I often encouraged her to do this with her girlfriends and she never accepted. I guess I was just thrilled that she was going to go out and have fun never considering the company she was with. As it turns out, she took him to bed in his hotel room that night. Shortly after that engagement, there seemed to be hightened communication between them; text messaging, phone calls, instant messages, etc. I slowly became suspicious, but my conscience go the better of me and lured me to trust her. As July approached, I found that now the contacts she was having with him were becoming secretive. Suddenly, my trusting conscience was nowhere to be seen. Then, I did something that I still feel guilty for to this day. In the wee hours of July 7th, after turning on the archive of her Yahoo! Instant Messenger a few weeks before, I decided to review the archive. What I found sickened me to the point of physical illness. There were sordid details of an affair...(cont'd)
Re: My Story nhlaholic: ...There were things that she had written to him that I thought would never fall upon another man's ears, yet there the were in clear type. Those things she wrote, those things she did were vowed to be for me and me alone for life and there they were addressed to someone else. I immediatley woke her and calmly approached her about it. Eventually, she confessed all. It was my assumption, after much discussion with she and the "friend" (yes, I confronted him also) that it was all a mistake and that was that. We would go on, as we had vowed, to press through and conquer for better or for worse. To my surprise, she decided to make a previously scheduled trip to NY to see him later that same July. I reluctantly allowed it since I thought she wanted to tell him it was over face-to-face. What I found out later is that it was just an excuse for her to spend time with him and do that which lovers do. Now, she didn't tell me what her plans were. I should have asked specifics but I didn't. I relied on my instict because I wasn't witnessing as much communication between them after the confession and we were sharing a great deal of time and love together during that time. Upon her return, she seemed distant again. After a few weeks, the fire seemed to pick up between us again and I was feeling like she was in love with me again. Come September, the activity between them began to pick up once again. We had spoken numerous times since I found out about what lies in her future. I'd ask now and again what it is that she wants. Does she want to have a marriage with me? Or, does she want to have a relationship with him? Obviously, she can't have it both ways. She was simply undecided. I made what I thought would be a final confrontation on the issue that would force a decision. I had allowed over 2 months for her to decide since the confession. Now she says that she needs to see him one more time. I reluctantly agree. However, I didn't show my reluctance, I simply offered my support. I did this because when she brought it up she said "You know what I'm going out there to do". My interpretation: "I am going out there to end the relationship". No, it was not a crystal clear interpretation. My vision was still clouded by hope and pain. She made this second trip in October. Just like the other trip, she pampered me emotionally and intimately. She primped herself; nails, waxing, hair, etc. Told me things like she was getting a bikini wax to make herself "my little girl again". Obviously things like this were fueling me with a false sense of hope. It appears, in hindsight, that she was preparing herself for him all along. She was just letting me have first crack probably out of guilt. You can imagine the blow to my ego; guilty sex. Ego isn't what this is all about, don't get me wrong. In any case, the relationship with him continued after her return.
I accepted a promotion and transfer within my company. It would move us from NM to AZ. Both of us had our fill with NM and couldn't stay there any longer. Since she agreed to come with me, and we were still sharing what I thougt was love together, I again was lost in love, hope, and optimism because we ended up buying a house together this past January when I started my new position in AZ. What can I say? I was a fool. In that same January, I confronted her again and demanded resolution. I said that I was not going to stand by any longer and simply let my wife date another man. By this time it has been 9 months since that fateful night in the hotel room and 6 months since I forced the confession. In my mind, that is more than enough time to come to a decision. I simply felt as if I was being lead along and fattened up for the slaughter. She made arrangements to see him once again; this time in CA. Within a week after her return, she says, in so many words, "it's over between us". Now, she never said those words or asked for a divorce. She wanted me to read between the lines and make her decision for her, in my summation. The next day, I asked her to reconsider. Reconsider what? Exactly. Like I said, she never made the decsion. So, I guess I was really asking her to stay with me and work this thing out. Now here we are, nearly a year later, at status quo. The simple fact is, this isn't working out for me. I can't bear to sit in that house and watch her carry on with this guy. I never hear their conversations because she does that while I am away on business or she leaves the house to "make a phone call". However, she will sit on the couch with me and text message the hell out of him. Back and forth they go, what they're saying is anybody's guess. She and I talk everyday and she carries on like nothing is wrong; nothing is going on between us. She makes future plans with me like trips and events to attend. Is this a simple case of her wanting her cake and eating it too?...(cont'd)
Re: My Story nhlaholic: ...What am I to do?. Do I just pretend as she does and go like nothing is wrong and let her have this relationship as if they never crossed the line? Let it be known that I do care for her deeply and also desire happiness for her. But, at what cost? My own sanity?
This would be a good time to point out that I am not a perfect person and therefore am not the perfect husband. However, I have maintained strict adherence to the vows we took 10 years ago. I have been completely faithful to this marriage. When we noticed some distance between us we went to counseling together. When she would tell me that I had been falling short I made tremendous efforts to step up. She too, being human, was not the perfect wife prior to the infidelity. However, I never expected to be blissfully happy every single day of marriage. That's life. I didn't marry her because she is beautiful and gives great sex. I married her because after 3 years of living together and after the "honeymoon" of a new relationship was over, she was still someone who I really enjoy spending time with. She is someone who I like to be around even when the lust and passion is absent. She is someone who I enjoy being in a rut with. Is that wrong? Did I approach this whole marriage thing the wrong way? I am obviously quite confused about this whole thing.
Now, her suggestion to split up the assets in a divorce, though she never said the word, are as follows:
I move out.
He moves in and takes over the mortgage.
I get to see the kids whenever I want.
So, the way I am seeing it, she wants out of the marriage (a marriage that I do not want to dissolve) and she wants to keep everything and maintain the benefits of parenting. Meanwhile, if I want to see my children in the house that we bought, I have to call and make sure they will be around. It appears that I will be suffering the consequences of her actions. That doesn't seem right to me at all. My counter-offer is that I stay in the house, the kids live with me, she moves in with him, and I "hire" her to come to the house every weekday to help me get the kids up and to school, she takes care of the little one all day, when I get home she has the option to stay and spend the evening with us and tuck them in at night or she can go home. For the weekends, we simply trade off. Like I said before, I travel often, so, I also offered for her to stay the night at the house when I am gone or she can take the kids to her place. I don't see why I should have to make the tremendous sacrifices becuase she wants out. I deserve to be with my kids don't I? Why should I miss the little things they do because she wants to end the marriage because she fell in love with another man? My fear is that the court, should it get to that point, won't see it my way.
I don't believe in divorce. I never have. Should she ask for one, I have nearly resolved myself to counter with a request for annulment. Is that the right thing to do? I DON'T KNOW!!!
I have so much more to say, but I lack the willpower right now.
Thanks for the forum and thanks for reading my story/novel. I welcome your thoughts, opinions, and advice.
-Dazed & Confused
Re: My Story crushedman: I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. Please- do NOT move out of the house for any reason. I urge you to scan through the archives and learn from the mistakes of others who have been in your shoes. With everything you are going through right now, it is probably hard to think clearly. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR BED. As far as 'hiring' her to take care of the kids, make her get a job and pay child support. Don't allow her in the family home. Think I'm being harsh? I'm not. SHE is being harsh by destroying your family and recking your kids lives.
Re: My Story sylvia3113: Wow! What a story. Your wife disgusts me right at this moment. I think if any judge took this whole ordeal into account, you would certainly have a good shot at gaining custody of the kids??
I'm not sure that you are eligible for an annulment. I believe that is when something happened to negate the legality of your marriage to begin with. Such as, one is not mentally competent to consent to the marriage (drunk, crazy, etc) or underage or the marriage was never consumated or a few other reasons. I am certainly no law expert, but my husband mentioned annulment and my lawyer balked. I'm not sure how that would benefit you either.
I agree with crushedman...do NOT leave your house. Do not let that piece of crap move into your house and assume your role as the patriarch. You will likely lose all self-respect. She has walked all over you for the better part of a year and is expecting you to just bend over and take one more up the a$$.
If she wants out, make her do all the work and the hard stuff. Make her find somewhere else to live. Make her fight to see the kids. Don't make it easy on her.
I understand that you do not want the marriage to dissolve and you have obviously put up with alot and taken your vows seriously, but (as I have learned) it only takes one person to end a marriage and it appears that your wife has made that choice for you. You DO NOT have to play nice!
I'm not suggesting to make this an ugly divorce, but you don't have to agree to her wishes just because you have allowed her to call the shots for so long. It's YOUR house! They're YOUR kids! It's YOUR life! Don't let the bastard who helped to destroy your family make you an outsider to your home and children.
Hope this isn't too harsh.....must've struck a nerve.
Good Luck
CG
Click More for the next page.
