Re: My Story ajw: Absolutely not......do not move out the house.......this woman is unbelieveable.
She's the one who keeps going outside the marriage,so she can take her lying,skanky cheating ass out the house.I guarantee you leave the house and she will start making it difficult for you to see the kids......she just wants you to disappear and make her life easy.Make sure you fight for the kid and for every last cent you are owed in the divorce,dont be nasty about.....but this woman is pure scum and why should she get everything
Re: My Story nhlaholic: Ahhhh, this is where the difficulty comes in. What is paramount in my life right now is the stability of my children. I want to provide as much support for them as possible. Don't get me wrong, despite her faults in the marriage, she is a terrific mother. She is sensitive, caring, nurturing, and attentive. This is something that I don't want my children to go without. Though the emotional and vengeful side of me wants to make it difficult for her to see the children, the paternal side knows that would only create an uncomfortable environment for my children. HOWEVER, I WILL NOT STAND BY AND ALLOW ANOTHER MAN TO TAKE MY PLACE! I have the right to be the one and only father figure in their lives. THESE ARE MY CHILDREN! I will not allow a man with such a disgusting lack of morals, values, ethics, and integrity to be a role model for MY children. So, to your point, curlygirl, I will not allow him to assume my role as the patriarch. I have been more than patient, possibly to a fault. But, it has been with the concern of my children in mind all along. Hell, I thought my parents hated each other for years! I admire them for sticking out the difficulties and maintaining their marriage for the sake of their four children.
Damn it, I have done so much for this woman. I have given everything for her. I sacrificed the "party years" of my life (early 20's) in order to establish a solid foundation upon which to establish a stable and fruitful family. I endured several months absent intimacy because of the severe emotionally traumatic events of her early childhood and adolescence. I passed on multiple opportunities to engage in the intimacy that was missing in my life with other women because I AM MARRIED. Hell, I won't even go to nudie bars because, in my mind, the only woman I want to see naked is my wife. She told me recently that it seemed that the only time I ever gave her any attention was either trying to get sex or immediately afterward. BS! If sex was the whole catalyst for our relationship, I would have either left or cheated years ago. She has difficulty carrying children. She needed to be on strict bed rest with no sexual engagement for 4 months with the first child and 7 months with the second. If sex was so GD important, I would have pressured her for a handy or oral during those times. But, I didn't. I simply stayed by and tried to serve her everything she needed to get through it. I read to her, watched TV with her, talked to her, made her food, cleaned the house, did the laundry, you name it.
Want to know how little sex matters to me? I, unlike the stereotype attached to men, am emotionally attached to intimacy. For a woman to share her body with me (which has only happened with 2 women in my life), speaks volumes for her feelings for me. A few months ago, I requested that my wife stop having intimacy with me because it confuses me. It makes me think that everything is OK. I am doubly hurt when the next day she is talking with that piece of s**t. That's how little it matters.
All those things she told me; that I was the only one; that she'd be with me to the end; that she doesn't believe in divorce; that no matter what, she'd work through whatever problems we had. It was all LIES LIES LIES! Why do people do these things to people the "love".
Nothing either of you have said is "too harsh". It is good to get outside perspectives of this f'd up predicament. I sincerely appreciate your responses and insight. I just hope I can take heed of the advice and "stick to my guns" as it were and not relinquish all that I have strived for 13 years to build. I just can't afford, financially or emotionally, to start all over again. I guess that's one reason why maybe I asked her to stay...I don't f***ing know...
Re: My Story ajw: yeah well i think its highly unlikely that a judge would be ok with a custody settlement where you move out and he moves in........does'nt matter how much visitation she gives you,she plans on playing happy families with this new guy and its going to confuse the hell out of the kids.
I think its admirable that you still stick up for her even after what she's done......but lets not beat around the bush,.....she's a habitual liar and cheat
Re: My Story crushedman: Buddy,
You need to protect yourself. Call a lawyer. There is something called 'abandonment'. In some cases, if she leaves the house for the night you can change the locks on her and throw her shit on the front lawn. I know that you want to make your marriage work, but it will take her cooperation to have any chance of that, and right she is not cooperating.
Keep in mind that if you continue to do nothing, most likely nothing will change. She needs to see the consequences of her actions. I'm NOT suggesting that you don't allow her to see the kids. I am suggesting that you go after the house, the dog, the money, the custody, and the child support. Be ruthless. She has shown you no mercy, now it's your turn. I'm rooting for you.
cm
Re: My Story nhlaholic: Here's some interesting detail that I'd like to share with the hope that someone here help me dissect what's going on.
We, as I stated before, are still living together. She and I talk frequently be it on the phone or the instant messenger when I am in the office. We get together for lunch regularly and spend a lot of time together when I'm at home. We have great conversation and even still cuddle, kiss, give back rubs/sensual massages, etc. In fact, everything seems all that it ever was, except for the visits with the other guy every couple of months and the constant communciation between them. Not to mention the secrecy of her actions sometimes. Why is she acting like a wife and like she loves me? Is it because she really does love me? When she told me that she doesn't deserve me, did she really mean it? It's as if she is married 50% of the time and the other 50% she is having a long-distance relationship with a boyfriend. Is she just trying to appease me until he is able to move out to Phoenix so that she can move in and file? I understand that she doesn't want to hurt either of us and that she has deep feelings for us both. However, she just can't have it both ways. That's not what commitment is.
I found out after a conversation a little over a week ago that he had put in his two week notice with his current employer in NY. Basically, that was when she told him that I agreed to her terms of separation and move myself out. Of course, I recinded that decision a couple days later as you all read in my initial post. Also, after interrogating her a bit, I found out that he did not have a job lined up in PHX and that he was planning on getting by on his savings until he finds work. How responsible is that? Did I mention that he is only 26 whereas I am 32 and my wife will be 32 this month? He's never been married. He has no children. Hell, he's never even lived with a woman in a committed relationship. What the hell does he know about maintaining a relationship and supporting a family. I'll tell you what; NOTHING! WTF is she doing? She is going to ruin her life if she does this. What's worse is that she is going to ruin this family and hurt OUR children because of this irresponsible jerk who obviously makes unintelligent knee-jerk decisions. I mean, how can he possibly expect to move across the country and support a woman and her children when I doesn't even have a job to go to?
The only satisfaction in this is my imagining the look on his face when my wife told him that I was not going to move out and give up the house. I asked her several days later if he managed to get his job back. She said no. So, is he coming out anyway? Is he going to take up residence in the apartments down the street so that they can see each other when I am not around? That thought sickens me and keeps me up at night.
Anyway, why does she play the role at home so well and yet still needs to have interaction with this guy? Is she just fattening me up for the slaughter? Or is she really so indecisive about what she wants to do with her life. If things don't change, I see her repeating the same mistakes her Grandmother and Mother made. Do I have a responsibilty, as her loving and dedicated husband, to make every effort to get her the help she needs to extinguish the self-inflicted abuse she is exacting? I did vow to her, my family, my friends, the priest, and, most importantly, God, to stand by her and support her for better or for worse and until death do us part. I mean, how can I not hold myself to the same standards that I hold others? Any thoughts?
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