Re: Do you tell a violent man that you're filing for divorce? grizwold: i would file the order of protection before you file for divorce. You will see his reaction to this part and then also I would definately stay with some friends or family during this period or transistion.
Re: Do you tell a violent man that you're filing for divorce? nhlaholic: Say,
Let me start by saying how proud I am of you that you found the courage to tell him that you weren't happy. That took incredible guts considering the circumstances. You were risking his acting out violently in order to express your feelings and stand up for yourself. That is commendable and you should take great self-pride in that act. That, in and of itself, should be the catalyst to restoring self-esteem and self-confidence.
Of course he's going to say all the right things. He is probably just as scared as you are of being alone. I have no doubt that he probably does care for you deeply as you do him. HOWEVER, the glaring problem is that he lacks the ability to control and rationalize his feelings by any other means than physically lashing out. He is in need of serious counseling and help. I'm sure you know this already, but you can't help him. He will never listen to you or heed your advice. He needs to be confronted by a professional. Any attempt you make to show him that what he's doing is wrong will only be viewed as a personal attack on him. Yes, you do need to be honest and tell him that you are filing. HOWEVER, you absolutely must make every effort to protect yourself. If you can manage to secretly move yourself and your most cherished valuables to a secure location you may be able to tell him over the phone. I say collect your valuables because it sounds likely that he could have an explosion and destroy your belongings. Or, perhaps, you could gather a group of people who love him (friends, relatives, etc.) and tell him in front of that audience. He may be influenced to curb any violent activity because of this. At that point, he may listen to encouragementment about getting professional help. Maybe then, when he sees that he is losing so much, and that the people he cares about are truly concerned for him, he will have incentive to change; even if he will, inevitably, be changing for his next relationship. GL, Say, and for goodness sake, protect yourself!
Re: Do you tell a violent man that you're filing for divorce? SayAnything89: Hi again, GC...
My ENTIRE family is in PA, I am in FL...I think my husband likes the isolation of that. When I leave here, I do plan on heading home to family to let things die down, but I want to return to FL...I have the greatest job, my boss is extraordinary, the team I work with is amazing. I know people tell me I could find another job, but really, my job is the bee's knees :) !My entire health/dental insurance premiums are paid by my employer...I adore all my tenants...
I manage an apartment complex and live on-site. I don't drive, so that is really convenient...I walk down 20 steps and I'm at my office!
He said (when I told him about my feelings) that if we split up, he would leave FL, because he would have nothing left here. Here's hoping he does just that!
SA
Re: Do you tell a violent man that you're filing for divorce? ga_sunshyne: U did not indicate whether or not the two of you have kids. But, in your situation, if it is at all possible...I'm with GC, u may need to try to stay with family or friends to begin with. It seemed to work for me. Once I left he went apSh*t crazy. But I sought refuge at a neutral place until things calmed down a bit. Of course, my XH was not normally a violent person. One physical confrontation with me and another later with a friend. but only u know him and his reactions and personality.
take care of u first.
good luck
sunshyne
Re: Do you tell a violent man that you're filing for divorce? SayAnything89: nhlaholic,
thanks sooo much for the vote of confidence!! means a lot to me! I didn't intend on telling him how I felt, but it was eating me up inside. Then he made more threats, and I just went off, without regard to my own safety.
i'm going to talk to the lawyer about what he recommends...but, when i do leave here, i do intend on taking my most precious posessions, because he has told me that if i leave, he will destroy everything.
unfortunately, he is not open to counseling...which i believe he is in serious need of.
this sucks!!!
buit thank you for your reply...makes me feel not so alone.
SA
Click More for the next page.
