OK am I pathetic or what? chaotic: This is something I want to give to my STBXW. I dont know if I should.
Where did I go wrong?
At what point did I start taking our relationship for granted?
Why is my love not good enough?
Why am I not a good enough person to deserve you in my life?
Why could I not prove to you how much I care and love you?
What is wrong with me?
You say I am sweet, you say I am your best friend, you say I always treated you good. What is wrong with me then?
I am writing this letter because I love you and when I think of losing you, my emotions get in the way of what I am trying to say. Things do not, no matter how hard I try, come out the way I plan. Things that I want to say are jumbled and my mind starts to close and my fear and hurt start to take over. I want to tell you many things, but when I start, the things I want to say are mixed up.
I know that I am not perfect. I know that I have caused you loneliness and sadness in the past, but I have always loved you unconditionally. You say that I never appreciated that you sacrificed yourself to do things I enjoyed, but I always did. Looking back, I remember clearly saying things such as “Thanks so much for doing XYZ with me” or “I am glad you did that with me” or “There is no one else I would rather have done XYZ with”. I was trying to express to you how much I did appreciate that. I am sure that when you look back, you will remember me saying things like that. I made efforts to take you shopping. I offered to take you to the bead shops. Heck occasionally I went to Kohls with you. I tried. I thought that you had found a friend in Heidi and wanted to shop with her instead of me so I unfortunately stopped. Lets face it I am not the best shopper in the world. Instead, I should have offered more so that you knew I was there. On the same hand, you should have given me options that you would have enjoyed so that I was not always dragging you out to do something one sided.
I have thought about it and you are right, I am not overly emotional. And that is my fault, not yours. I seldom showed the affection that I should have. But I worked on every little hint you ever gave me that something was wrong. I feel now though that I deserved more than hints, that you should have clued me in on what was really wrong by telling me directly. That was the only way that I could ever have had a chance to fix anything. But I did nothing to make you feel comfortable enough to do so. That was my fault. I never opened up enough for you to feel that you could come to me and tell me what was really wrong.
Re: OK am I pathetic or what? chaotic: cont'
How do I feel now? I feel truly betrayed. I feel like many of the problems in our relationship that you feel have been there for so long were caused because you were getting attention from someone else. This only highlighted the perceived issues you had with me. Many of these could have been corrected with a simple conversation. I know that you tried. I know you tried hard. You tried many times. But when you did, perhaps I was not ready to listen. Perhaps I did not understand the underlying issue you were trying to get at. I also feel that I was frustrated. I was frustrated that no matter what I did, it was not enough. No matter what I tried, it was not good enough. This hurt me and I said things to absolve myself from trying harder. That was WRONG of ME. I should have tried harder. I should have paid attention to the warning signals. Nothing I can say or do now will make that change. I can only say that I am truly sorry for not trying harder.
What do I feel happened? I think my inaction or perceived inaction drove you to begin talking to someone else. This person began being your friend and you sought his attention. He was giving you something that you did not feel you received from me. He took advantage of that. He began long ago driving a wedge between us. The more you talked to him, the deeper he was able to drive that wedge. The more you told him the more he was able to smear me in your eyes. I know you never intended to let this happen, but it did. You did not have an affair per se. You had an emotional affair, one that you allowed an emotional connection with someone else. I feel you told him things that you never told me and that gave him power over you. It allowed him to tell you things that I did not. It allowed him to express attention that I was not because I did not know it was missing. I complimented you so many times, but sometimes it is compliments from others that people seek. I told you “I LOVE YOU” and meant it so many times, but sometimes it is that attention from others that people seek. It is much like a drug that can not be easily given up.
You say you have been unhappy for years. I do not see that. The first hint of trouble you ever gave me was last summer after my brother’s wedding. You said you wanted to move. I was willing. Then you traveled and came back wanting more attention and I was working on that too. I can not help but to recognize that the troubles and your feelings began around the time you became friends with a person at work. I always thought that we were best friends and that was what made us strong. But in this case, you were not able to talk to me as a friend, husband, or lover. Perhaps it was easier to talk to him than me. Perhaps you tried but felt I was not listening…..I was. I was frustrated though. I could not seem to do enough. You would come home from work and you were upset about work and I thought that was the problem. I got frustrated because I felt like no matter what I ever did, it would not help while you were working there. I was frustrated and chose no action over the better option…..OVER ACTION. Now I know that it was not that I could not do enough or that my actions were not good enough, it was that drug, that attention from others you were craving.
Re: OK am I pathetic or what? chaotic: cont'
I have loved you unconditionally for nearly 10 years. Maybe I did not always express it the way I should have, and I know that now. You say you often felt ignored. Those were the times that I did not know what to do. I had been trying to change the way I acted, the things I did, even where we lived and the job I do because I thought those were the problems. I ONLY WANTED YOU TO BE HAPPY. I hope that when you look back on our time together, you will see that. You will see that I was trying. I do not know why we are going thru this. I do not understand why you did what you did. I can not judge you for I know that you were only seeking attention that you felt was missing from me. I can only say I LOVE YOU. And I am truly sorry for making you feel that way. I wish that I could have shown you that in the way you needed.
I feel that I was a good provider. I worked hard to make sure that you had what you needed and wanted. I feel that I was there and asked nothing in return. I put my heart into this relationship for a good portion of my life. I have always been faithful to you. There is not anything in the world that you could have done to make me betray you. I tried to be a good husband. I tried to fix the things you told me were wrong. But I am human too. I make mistakes. What hurts me so is that you are not willing to accept my humanity. Knowing that I make mistakes, knowing that I have loved you unconditionally, knowing that I would do anything in the world for you, you can not give me a chance to prove it.
I would walk to the end of the world, give up everything just to prove to you that I am the man you deserve. But I feel like you are not willing to allow me to do that. And that hurts me beyond anything else. It hurts me to know that you are not willing to even give me a chance. It hurts me to know what you are turning your back on me. Getting past the hurt, the feelings of betrayal, the feelings of humiliation, I think you should know that I have forgiven you. It makes no difference to my LOVE FOR YOU. I still love you as much if not more today as I did the day we said our wedding vows. I love you and know that you are human. You make mistakes just as I do. I am not just saying the words. I have truly forgiven you for your mistakes. I only ask that you forgive me. I will continue to love you with all of my heart, and hope that you will soon realize that our relationship is worth saving. That anything worth having is worth fighting for. That no marriage is perfect, but it takes communication, work, love and caring.
I do not believe that I have ever asked you for a second chance. I don’t think I ever did something that I had to come to you and say just give me one more chance, and I will change or I wont do it again. I do not think I ever made “empty promises” to you. I would like to think that every promise I ever made, I have gone to every extent to keep that promise. But right now I am doing that. I am asking you for a second chance. I do not want to “make this work.” I want a chance for our relationship to be what it once was. What it was when both of us were happy. When you looked at me and had butterflies. I want a chance to prove to you that I can be the man you need and deserve. I want to make you desire to be around me the way you used to. I want that again. I want you to want me.
Re: OK am I pathetic or what? chaotic: cont'
While I want you back, and I am willing to go to the end of the earth to make you happy again, I recognize that you were missing something from me. I need to know. I need to know what that is. I need to be able to help you be happy. That is my duty as a husband. It would be my honor to make you happy. But I need something from you. You have to be willing to help me understand your needs. I have to be willing to listen to those needs. You have to be strong enough to tell me when something is wrong and what it is. I have to be open enough to listen and understand.
I think we are getting a very rare opportunity for a “do over.” You say that things must be happening for a reason. Perhaps you see this reason as being that we are not meant to be together. I see it differently. I see the reason as being that this will make us stronger. I believe that we are meant to be together. That we are truly soul mates. This series of events has brought out that although, we have always been close friends and lovers, we did not communicate properly. There were things that you did not tell me and things I did not tell you about myself. We simply did not talk about what was going on in our heads. This has opened a line of communication that we never tried.
I think you still love me. I think that you still care about me. I think that deep down, you still want me in your life. I think you have felt that I did not care or that I was taking you for granted. For giving you that feeling, I am truly sorry. What I need to do is make you want me again. I need to make you feel the way I used to. The way you felt when you said “I DO.”
You asked me if I was ready to share things that I have never shared before. I never gave you a chance to tell me what those were. I am ready to share everything and anything. You only need to tell me.
Things I will never do again: Ignore you. Ignore your needs. Make you feel like a hinderance when you call. Make you feel unloved. Be bullheaded about family. Do things that make you feel unappreciated. Make you feel second to anything. Take you for granted. Make you feel taken for granted. Refuse to listen to your needs.
Were the communication problems only your fault? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I had problems of my own. I have always been self conscious of my own performance. I have always been insecure about myself. I think I withdrew due to my own insecurities. I have told you in the past about my problems. They were nothing new to you, I am sure. The more I tried to fix it, the more insecure I became. The more insecure I became, the more I withdrew. Instead of recognizing that and trying to help, you seemed in my mind to only demand more. Maybe that was your way of trying to help. That stressed me out and I became more withdrawn. That was my fault. I should have told you. I should have asked for your help. But I did not. I was embarrassed. Now I am paying for not communicating my need for help.
When I should have talked to you about the problems I was having, I chose to turn inward. I chose to try and work them out on my own. That was not right. I am just as guilty of not communicating as you. I bear responsibility in this as well. When you were hinting at problems, I did not listen closely enough. I did not understand what you were actually telling me. I was close minded. I should have asked for more information. I should have asked how I could help. Instead, unfortunately, I kept quiet. I kept my frustrations and fears to myself.
After all is said and done. After all the worst storms. I STILL LOVE YOU. I STILL WANT YOU. I do not want to think about life without you. When I do, all I see is darkness. I see myself wandering through hell with no purpose, no light, no direction. You have been the light in my life. You have been my center. You gave me reason to get out of be in the morning. You gave me balance and meaning. I am lost without you and your spirit. I love you more than words can say. I do not know any other way to express it. It has always been a feeling I had. One that when I look at you, spend time with you, talk to you, I just feel right. I feel like nothing can hurt me. I feel like I am on top of the world. I know it sounds pathetic, but you give me the strength to be a man. I never thought I could show as much emotion as I have in recent days. I never thought I was capable. What I have learned is that I was holding back. I was an introvert. When problems came along, I chose to pull inward. I have found that it is OK to show my emotions. Something I should have been doing all along with you. I am ready to show you. I am ready to fulfill your dreams. I am ready to make you fall in love with me once again.
Re: OK am I pathetic or what? Seeker: Chaotic,
This is so well sid and heartfelt. I pray that she lets you try. I know too well the agony of never having that chance.
Seeker
