Re: Pride or doubt? thereishope: The heart is made up of two different sides. One takes the other gives. In so doing they sustain each other. Because what is given comes back what is taken is returned to the giver. When one side is in trouble the other side will try to balance the load. Even when it stops beating it hangs on waiting for one more spark to help it recover or realign its rhythm. Love and marriage is much the same way.
This is not about her it is about you my friend and the things and ideals you hang on to. People make mistakes, some are accidental, some come from not thinking things through, others come from thinking to much. That is a fact. As long as there are two people on this earth there will be mistakes made some small, others more complex and painful.
Our character, is defined when we find the strength to reach pass ourselves to do what is uncommon and far from reasoning, to achieve a greater good in the dung heap we find ourselves in or the failures we or others commit. Your intent to saving this marriage should be to destitute your self on her with the intent to making that marriage work regardless of personal cost.
Till you drop the pride, retrain your mind, focus on courting her all over again with those things that drove you together there will be no marriage. Both of you are faulted for where you are. The question is who is willing to do what it takes at what ever cost. One wants to keep trying by letting go even at the cost of humiliation of past mistakes and the other keeps holding on the one thing that brings us all down sooner or later, pride.
She could have easily ran the moment she did what she did, but she knew she was wrong and relies on your strength your courage to surpass what she has done. You know that, better or worst thing that is suppose to be in all marriages. So are you so captured by your feelings and pride that can not free yourself from your bedfellow, called self-interest. She got up out of her bed of destruction and came home. Now is time for you to get out of your bed of self-pity.
As for forgiving her you said you did. So why do you keep entertaining such destructive thoughts. Could it be you want her to feel your pain and your hurt she has put into your heart? Or could it be because you like the feeling of having this new power over her. I know this one well.
You say you can not forget. Who said you had to. Tell me if you are hit by a careless driver in a car who pleads for your forgiveness and you do so, which is a good thing! Would it not be wise to be more watchful more attentive while driving again. Wouldn’t it have been stupid to forget the lesson learned and to be more vigilant to keeping it from happening again. Forgive as much as you should. But don’t forget not to inflict harm or destruction but remember as so to avoid the same mistakes and harm, but use it to give increase and gather wisdom in overcoming.
Stanker focus on you and becoming the man she saw in you once, not the monster that looks into her eyes now. Speaking of eyes, the next time you look into her eyes remember this. For one faint moment in time she got lost in fear but came home in hope, now she is depending on that person before her. The one you see in her eyes to do the right thing in the mist of her failure and betrayal. She is desperate for you to be that very person she so loves, to show her that he can live beyond the pain and still grow together as one.
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Re: Pride or doubt? thereishope: Stanker my wife betrayed me. The way I got pass myself was I sat down one night and made a list of all the blessings she was to me before we got married. Then I made a list of how much she hurt me. When I saw that there was more blessing in her than pain she gave me I resolved to help us get pass this horrible thing. We had a most wonderful life for many years after that and I do not regret one moment. Something else too, I was blessed that she betrayed me. Why because it brought us so much closer than I could have ever dreamed possible. It was not what I did so much as what God did for us in the healing needed. I was willing to give the “me up” and focus on the WE that was to come. Yes you can move on together if you are prepared to become a sacrifice to loving her beyond yourself.
As for being betrayed even the most perfect of all was betrayed once long ago. You can not change the past but you can change the NOW of who you are and will become, for a great and more wonderful future. It is up to you. She is hearing ever word that comes from you lips and seeing your ever action. What will those words and actions be is your choice your future with or with out her, be they of grow or decay that is your choice, choose wisely my friend. Because if you let her go because of the you, you are now, you will regret it forever.
One last note here! Every deep wound creates scars, those scare will be tender for a time and every time they are touched or rubbed the former pain of that injury will return but only for a season. In time that scares pain will fade.
Be blessed and learn well your future will depend on it.
Re: Pride or doubt? stanker: thereishope,
Truly wise words and I appreciate you sharing them. Sometimes a perfect stranger's insight can illuminate the darkest minds. I am in selfish mode right now. It's a survival instinct I suppose. I have forgiven her, but that doesn't mean I have to fully believe in her or us. But your story has inspired me to think ciritcally about my fears. I suppose love has more to do with sacrifice than anything else.
Re: Pride or doubt? humblecaterpillar: thereishope,
Thank you so much for your post. It made me cry because it's how I feel and how I wish that my stbxw felt as well. You have made several posts recently that have rang of truth...please continue to share your wisdom with us.
Humble Caterpillar
Re: Pride or doubt? thereishope: Stanker,
“inspired me to think ciritcally about my fears.”
That my friend, was my desire to open your eyes to a greater understanding, another view of more clarity. The rest is up to you as to how long you desire to be in that “selfish mode”, but don’t be to long for the time is running out.
Humblecaterpillar,
Thank you for the kind and timely words. I was already to make Stanker my last reply. My heart goes out to those here one and all. I would have liked to respond to many more than I have but time would not allow that. Besides my writing skills are to say, less than friendly and not easily read at times. I am such a poor writer and many have seen it by now. If I had a choice I would have rather build a house with my bare hands than to write one sentence.
My purpose here was to simply maybe help some refocus and to share some different perspective and to give hope.
So many here hurt so deeply as I once did. So many think that they will never be the same. They are so right. Some learn from their mistakes and grow while others will simply get back in line to do it all over again.
Here is a cold fact. You can change you but you can not change your spouse that change must be left in the hands of God. Some will return and there are just as many that will not. That is why it is so important that we learn from our experiences about us and the cause and affects that come from our actions or inactions to them that we love. Once it is exposed have the guts to reach deep down pass our own needs and rid it from spirit.
Here is a little known fact that I have not address. Most men and women for that matter all state once the trust has been violated by one or the other. The trust issue is a major sticking point or wall that most can not get pass. Here is the truth. Christ trusted NO man. He only trusted his father. Why did he not trust man, because man is inherently un-trust worthy. He trusted his father for the only true out come. So why do we rush to say I can not trust, I will never be able to trust again? One is never to put his or her trust in a person; sorry that is a cold fact. Yet so many make those cries and use it for their resolve. What they need to learn is, they should through Christ trust someone.
As for me continuing well I will have to pray about it. So if I go know this Victory is yours when you find the correct path to follow.
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