Re: "Snooping" made me think 2be: Yeah, I hear you there. It certainly firmed up my resolve, but the written words "I loved last night and I love you" still haunt me. You can't stand not knowing, and you can't stand knowing!
Re: "Snooping" made me think Butters: I think that just like so many things in life, it's hard to come up with absolutes on snooping. Trust is obviously important to a relationship, but it's more important to be trustworthy in the first place. There are people who are generally distrustful of others, but for most people, I don't think they go snooping unless they have cause to be suspicious. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I think if you're a reasonably trusting person, and you have strong reason to believe you're being done wrong, not only is it okay to snoop, but you probably *should* snoop.
I can't quantify exactly how much suspicion one should have before one starts investigating. The problem with human beings, in my opinion, is that they like to hide behind rules too much. If we came up with a set of rules on what sort of things should trigger snooping and what we should let slide, then cheaters and liars would use that to their advantage. They'd say, "Well, I didn't do XYZ, and you snooped anyway, so YOU'RE the bad guy."
No doubt about it, though, a lack of trust does erode a relationship. Snoop at your own risk.
Butters
Re: "Snooping" made me think lilly10: [quote author=alonewith2 (SNB) link=topic=27008.msg260837#msg260837 date=1143046930">
I never felt the urge to snoop until AFTER I found out about the OW. I had my suspicions for 3 months, but never once felt the need to snoop. However, after I caught him with the OW, he still refused to admit that he had cheated on me. So I did start to feel the need to snoop...which I gave into. I found all sorts of things I wish I never had.
Not only did I feel wrong and guilty, but I will never be able to erase the things in my head that I know now.
[/quote">
Same here I did not snoop until I was 99% sure based on intuition that there was an OW. I wound up finding a secret cell phone in my ex's truck and reading the text messages they sent to each other made me sick.
So to answer your question snooping in my opinion is wrong. I do however think it is the lesser of two evils when you do it becuase the person who says they love you is leading a double life.
Re: "Snooping" made me think Zipsfb: It just sucks when you find out the truth... and you've been justified all along. When she came back I wanted to trust her but I KNOW her and I know when she's hiding something. I tried to be the best I could be in the relationship, but after the intial break up there was NO trust and it was really unhealthy and upsetting. You are in constant pain staying with the person and you are hurting each other all the time, but you still feel the need to stick around hoping it will all go back to the way it was.
I feel bad about my snooping, because up until that point I had really not done too much wrong. Or atleast I had never lied to her. When I did that I went do to her level, even though I told her almost instantly what I had done. I didn't hide it for half a year.
Re: "Snooping" made me think sudboy: [quote author=2be link=topic=27008.msg260848#msg260848 date=1143049653">
You can't stand not knowing, and you can't stand knowing!
[/quote">
True, but when it comes to details more does not always equal better. At least not for me.
While I suspected my STBXW was having an affair (despite her initial claims to the contrary) I never did much in the way of snooping, later receiving all the confirmation I needed by confronting her directly. I'm sure I didn't learn everything about her indiscretions, but I heard way more detail than the baseline "I'm having an affair" from her.
All this to say that months later there are details I wish she'd never shared with me, because 1) those extra details can stick with you and 2) for me learning she was a cheater was enough. But hey I asked, right?
The process of focusing on yourself and your own healing when you've been cheated on is a big enough task all by itself. If you've learned too much either through asking for details or snooping then the healing process becomes just that much more drawn out.
Sudboy
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