hunger flowersdirtandgardengirl: sometimes, i am good. sometimes i am smart enough, or happy enough, or careless enough to ignore. sometimes, when i am any of these things or all of these things, i am able to ignore it, forget about it even, for a day or a night or a week, and it is as if i were normal again, cured and complete.
and then there are times when i invite it, when i am intentionally unintelligent, when i do not care how or why or what about it; i invite the hunger and i want it and i crave it. there are times when i stand in scrutiny and any little bulge and every little curve is a war to be waged and i am losing. then there are times when the unknowns and the variables and the tiny little sorrows and the insurmountable fears are so big and so heavy and this is redemption to me, this is the answer, this is the only way out that is foreseeable; it is the only way out that is reasonable, it is the only way out for me.
as if it would not will not does not matter if i get into school, if i believe him or not, if i have to work every weekend night for the rest of my f-cking life, if they die in their cages, if doctors yell and pitch a fit and there is nothing anyone can do about it, it does not matter because this is mine. this is mine to hold and hold on to, i can choose this, or not. it is pure math and it is so simple. if you do not eat, then at the very least you are thin. it does not will not cannot matter, you can keep this, it is yours.
there are times when i am good. or when i am strong or smart or careless, and i can and will and do pretend, as if it has gone, as if i am better, as if i am cured. and then there are times when i am not and i do not want to be better or stronger or smarter than this. there are times when this is the answer for me, when this is the cure and i do not want to get better, if that's what it is, and i do not want to be strong, if that's what it is. when all i want is something constant, something unvariable, something i can rely on, something i can keep. and hunger can occupy you and it can keep you sane and you can rely on it and it is yours and yours alone. i know what to expect and when and how. it is something i can rely on, it is constant and easy and calm. i do not want to be good. i do not want to be strong. i do not want to be better, not better than this.
Re: hunger sheydp: Oh... honey... I don't know what to say... Please keep fighting! Please go for health, for yourself... (((((((((HUGS))))))))
Shey
Re: hunger Goddess: Damn GG.. this made me cry... :'( I could have written this myself so many times.. I ache for you..I know the pain.. I know the facade of strength and control that we think we have by starving ourselves.. I know the rush of being hungry and raging against the world.. Ha haha..you cant get me.. everything else in my life maybe going to hell or uncertain..but this I can control..there is nothing you can do about it.
I know the desire to disappear..to want to be invisible..because that is what not eating is all about right? We are not worthy of being seen..any ounce of meat on our bones makes us hideous..but..that is only to the demons in our minds. The rest of the world actually thinks us truly beautiful..and it seems an endless aching battle to actually think that for ourselves.
There is nothing I can say really to help you..no pat answers..no it will get better's.. you are worthy..you are beautiful..you are thin..because I KNOW first hand it wont matter..until YOU know that for yourself.
I pray that you continue fighting.. I pray that you win the war you wage with your self hatred. You are loved..and you are beautiful..and you are worthy...I know that..and someday you will too.
A recovering hunger junkie,
Goddess
