Update - escaping my alcoholic marriage solsken: I've not been on here for a long time but thanks again to everyone who helped in that special 'ojar'way before.
I've an old post
http://ojar.com/boards/index.php/topic,23219.0.html
which lay out the story warts and all....this is the maths
married to my wife 7 together 10 kids 2 Alcoholic since, well probably before we met. Very painful past few years, 1 arrest for neglect, numerous drink driving episodes (never charged)
Anyway straw broke the camel's back, I say (and mean) this time that's it. No more, 'i'll be fine' but guess what?? Eight weeks since I began proceedings she done five clean and counting. She is now officially supermom. Homework, playing, bathtime etc etc. All the stuff that drink was too important for is now firmly on the agenda.
At the same time though I am public enemy #1. You've torn this family apart etc etc. It's like all the hurt she's feeling about the situation is being taken out on me, and esp against me in front of the kids. "You think he's a good Dad? Well look at what he's doing now, destroying a happy family."
My 7 yo asked me why I didn't stand up for myself.....shouting her down or even defending myself just makes it worse but she's waging psyc war on me and the boys. Is it all worth this?
Sometimes I just feel like running away, but I can't of course as it's for the boys more than me that I'm doing this. But it's tough to keep telling myself that it's because I can't trust her not to drink when she's, well, plainly not drinking. I feel like my strength to fight this is being sapped.
I know she's hurting bad and this is just her way of protecting herself from her real feelings, but it's making me question the whole thing and I wonder sometimes if it'd just be easier to swallow it and try it her way.
but I know in my heart of hearts she's not done with booze, just parked it cos of what's at stake.
Blimey, relationships eh!
I'm not really asking for advice cos I know I still want to push it through, it's just knowing it's prob gonna get worse before/if ever, it get better.
Thanks for reading.
A lonely Scotsman
Re: Update - escaping my alcoholic marriage SayAnything89: hi, solsken...
I know all too well what you're going thru...I responded to you in my post about living w/ an abusive addict...and told u a bit about what I'm going thru.
If you would like to PM me, feel free.
I know what it feels like to be lonely, even tho he's still here.
If you can pull up the lyrics to "Home" by Three Days Grace...it deals with what u and I are feeling. Also, "Hurt Me" by Makeshift Romeo.
Take Care,
I'm here for u, whenever u need,
SA
Re: Update - escaping my alcoholic marriage newts: [quote"> I know she's hurting bad and this is just her way of protecting herself from her real feelings, but it's making me question the whole thing and I wonder sometimes if it'd just be easier to swallow it and try it her way. [/quote">
NOWAY!! She is doing the whole happy responsible mummy thing because custody is certainly going to be an issue in your divorce. You need to pull her aside and ask to reframe from demeaning you in front of your children, tell her she can say whatever she wants about you to friends and family etc.. just don't demean you in front of the kids. I admire you for not reacting to her petty games. All she is doing is giving her children a very bad impression of not only you, but her too.
Why do adults have to be so childish sometimes?
Re: Update - escaping my alcoholic marriage sosad05: Solsken, when I read this I wondered if this is how my xh felt about me before I ended our marriage. I turned into quite the alcoholic towards the last year of our marriage. It doesnt justify it but he was very emotionally and at times physically abusive--I dont think this is in our case. I turned to the alcohol because it was the only time--when I was drunk--that I felt better and could cope with my horrible life. The problem is everytime I sobered up the depression and pain was ten times worst. My life had become out of control. I was hungover all the time. I had lost sooooo much weight. I was a mess. I know under the influence I said horrible things to him...in our case, my true feelings towards him emerged when I was drunk.
[quote"> I know she's hurting bad and this is just her way of protecting herself from her real feelings, but it's making me question the whole thing and I wonder sometimes if it'd just be easier to swallow it and try it her way.
[/quote">
Its not easier to try if her way. Its also not a valid excuse or way to deal with pain. I wish I would have handled my pain a different way. Its a horrible disease. I have now been "sober" for almost 12 mos. Ironically, since after the drunken night I told him it was truly over.
[quote"> "You think he's a good Dad? Well look at what he's doing now, destroying a happy family."
[/quote">
There is NO NO NO excuse for her doing this to you. I never did that to my xh.
Anyway, I guess my point is...and this is coming from a former alcoholic...things will NOT get better unless she completely kicks the habit and means it. Not, just for a few months for custody. Its a complete lifestyle change. If she's being an angry b*tch, chances are she is going throgh major withdrawal and perhaps needs serious therapy.
Good luck, you can pm me anytime. :)
Re: Update - escaping my alcoholic marriage solsken: Thanks again to everyone. Sosad05, I know where you are coming from, but the situ here is me, kids, her family and everyone trying to help her but she knew best. Still knows best. I'm at work on late shift she's at home having had a drink (I'm pretty sure - anyone who's lived with an alcoholic becomes an olympic quality booze spotter!) No big deal maybe but I'll see when I get home.
Greatn news that you're sober....I really think she does realise how much wrong she's done but can;t totally accept it - because that's alot of failure to live up to and it's easier to deny...maybe time will change that but I'm done with being a mopper upper. Single Dad last year for six months was best in my life - made me realise they mattered FAR more than what I'd said in church eight years ago.
Crazy how normal folk can behave when they've had way too much. It's the one thing that'll never let you down. A bottle of vodka will SUCCESSFULLY numb you from reality every time! What better friend could one have? Shame about the collaterall damage!
NEWTS...it's true. I worry that they don't see what she's doing, they're only young and don;t know any other way sadly. My oldest has a real temper on him now that he didn;t have when really young. It's like he's trying to copy Mum cos he thinks it's cool to lose your, well, cool.
Soooo frustrating. I never knew things would take this bloody long! Lawyers work on a different time zone than the rest of us with deadlines!
