My deepest, darkest fears about you and us Bree: These are my thoughts. Nothing more. Note to any readers: I'm still struggling w/being abandoned last year late in my pregnancy by my husband. I've posted on here about it and am too exhausted to recap, but my posts are out there. Anyway...
J, I love you. I love you with all my heart like I've always said. I love you no matter what, as I proved when you broke my heart just 5 months ago. My love never quit and I know it never will. Sometimes I wish I could turn it off! That would make life so much easier, but that's just not me. I'm sensitive and get the most pleasure from giving my love away, mostly to you. I can just look at you and be happy. You can call me and hearing your voice still makes me smile. Your touch melts me still. There is absolutely nothing better than when we go to bed together and snuggle and spoon. Whatever position we're in it's heaven. Somehow our feet touch and rub. Feeling your arms around me makes me feel so secure. I can awake in the middle of the night to get the baby up and hate having to say ...baby, let me up ...b/c you're wrapped around me, we fit perfectly together. These are my good feelings about us. I treasure this part of "us".
It was weird and awkward feeling when you came home. It was as if you were not mine. It took a little while to feel some sense of normalcy (if that's even a word?). Like I've said, if I never told you again you would still know how much I love you. NO matter what! I mean that.
I have done my best to forgive you and her. I still feel much anger towards you both. When I can take the thoughts and memories out of my head our life is great! But they are still there, lingering, every day ...looping over in my head. The details that haunt me include you telling me you loved her. Once even admitting (when I was probing you) that you were in love w/her! I think of you showing her off to your family/friends ...they were all baffled knowing I'm home very pregnant and that we're married. Hell, we were just down visiting your mom the week before you paraded your new family to see her! You left everybody scratching their heads! I picture you spending every penny you could get your hands on on her! Baby....let me buy you some clothes, some happy perfume, whatever the kids want, you all are that special to me! I wonder how many times you professed your love to her. How many times you touched her, longed for her, smelled her. How it felt when you kissed her all those times (you admitted to). I think of the time you snuck her out to your dads the day after she came back into your life. Me riding out there seeing you and her leave after midnight! Did you kiss her then, did you touch her and tell her how much you still loved her? Did you f*** her! You won't admit to doing it, but say you almost did. How did it feel? having your d*** hard wanting her? What about bringing her to OUR home to pick up the big screen tv so you could sell it to give her money or pawning your car title to pay her bills. She was so worthy of everything you had! Oh, and giving her one of our car stereos. Installing it in her car. The same stereo you programed a message to me when we were dating ....saying J loves B.... that meant something to me. NOw I think of her sorry butt w/it in her car. When you came back from Ohio, you told me you talked to her for one last time. What? ...begging her to have you? You won't admit that. Then you come home and tell me it's all a big mistake and that you love me. I gave in and we make love it was everything I needed at that moment. In the middle of the night when you thought I was asleep you awoke, running your hand down across my hip (we were spooning) and you said ....god, I do love you so much! I heard that and believed you loved me again at that point. You've done nothing to prove otherwise, but I cannot forget all the things that happened and that you said.
I can't forget that you can't really love me or you could not have done that to me. You tuned me and the baby out and focused your life on them!!!! The same woman who did you that way when she was pregnant for you. Why do I deserve to be done this way? I don't. The pain you must have felt you inflicted on me ...all for the same person who did you that way. It makes no sense.
Nothing makes sense. I need to feel better somehow.
Re: My deepest, darkest fears about you and us Bree: (continued ranting...)
How did it feel ...being in her home, in her bed, lusting after her day and night? You sure didn't ever look happy. You acted manic to me! Out of your mind.
Will it happen again? I want to believe not, but how can I? How can I believe in you or in anything anymore? You robbed me and I know it's my choice to see it as such. I don't want to be a victim. I don't believe in that ...but I do feel wronged and am so mad that the one person in the world that I believed in betrayed me. You were so wrong!
Re: My deepest, darkest fears about you and us sheeps: Forgiveness is a process, Honey. It takes time and more than just words. I takes actions, on his part. And pray. Never underestimate the power of prayer.
Randy
Re: My deepest, darkest fears about you and us Bree: Do you think it's possible in my situation, considering this is how I really feel???
Re: My deepest, darkest fears about you and us sheeps: Bree,
You've given too much of yourself to this man. You need to focus on who you are and your baby.
Think about it...you went to sleep last, and woke up this morning, and J had nothing to do with it. Probably never will again.
In all of your time of thinking about J, think about you felt when he was being J. It's called clarity. And it comes more and more as each day goes by.
-R
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