Let the nightmares begin... SayAnything89: Hello, all...
I am moving forward with my plan to leave my abusive, addicted, controlling husband of 10.5 years on 4/11/06.
This morning, I had the worst nightmare where I left him and one of my friends was helping me and he started to chase me. I ended up getting in the drivers seat (I don't even drive!) and went barrelling down the road at these crazy speeds and doing all these crazy maneuvers to try to escape him, but he just kept chasing me, trying to get the keys out of the ignition.
Is this an omen of what I'm about to go thru?
The other nightmare I have over and over again, since I saw my lawyer a couple weeks ago...is me coming back to my apartment and finding him dead on the floor of a self-inflicted shotgun wound.....(he has a shotgun)
I am trying really hard to not let fear and guilt control my emotions....that's why I've stayed with him for so long, guilt and fear.
Any thoughts about how I can try to deal with these thoughts that are now invading my sleep? Waking up crying sucks.
Thanks for any input,
SA
Re: Let the nightmares begin... clockwork: Oh sweetie-i am so sorry that all of this happening.
I do think that you hit the nail on the head with the fear and guilt-the thing is, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You are making the only move that you could make-giving yourself a chance at a good life-without the abuse and fear.
No matter what happened, you loved this person and it is going to be hard.
I know this may sound goofy, but try thinking about something else before you go to sleep. If you start feeling guilty or scared-TRY to push that aside and think about something happier. Abuse is a hard thing to push out of your head I know-my dad was abusive to my mom pretty much my whole childhood. But you are doing the right thing getting out, and WE ARE ALL VERY PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!
Just be safe---don't let your guard down, but don't let the fear control your life. As much as i personally have against cope-they are there to help-don't hesitate to call if you need them.
Smile-you are a wonderful woman who is making the life for yourself that you deserve.
Good luck and if you need anything-PM me.
HAVE A GOOD DAY!!! ;)
Re: Let the nightmares begin... doseyclwn: Just keep on with your plan. You cannot worry about what he does to himself after you leave. Just keep on.
And just a personal opinion: Your dreams are just a reflection of how conflicted you are with yourself right now. You feel really crazy about this situation, so your dreams are crazy. You'll be fine. Just do what you gotta do, and good luck.
Re: Let the nightmares begin... sheydp: If a nightmare begins, try to wake yourself up... Get up, watch tv or read or something for 5 minutes or so - enough to distract yourself. Continue thinking about the activity you just performed to the exclusion of all else (keep bringing your mind back to it when it tries to turn dark) until you sleep.
Also (and yes, I know this sounds funny) try a comfort object. When I am totally alone and have the worst nightmares, my childhood teddy bear sometimes helps. Maybe a soft blanket you can rub, or a stuffed animal, or suck on a spoon - something that makes you feel soothed...
You ARE doing the right thing, and you WILL get through this, don't let your fears rule you.
Shey
Re: Let the nightmares begin... SayAnything89: Thanks for being so supportive, clockwork...
I appreciate that you took the time to respond to me (it's still difficult for me to realize that people can be nice to me and that I deserve it and that they have no ulterior motives).
The weird thing is, I wasn't even thinking about this when I went to sleep last night...the thoughts just kind of "invaded".
We are still living together at this point (he has no idea I've seen a lawyer or will sign the papers 4/5/06) and I'm having to be very secretive. I have a huge conscience, and I think that's weighing on my mind.
Also, I manage the apartment complex where we live and the apartment is free to me as a condition of my employment....so, I'm going to leave 4/11-4/27 and go home to my family in PA to give him that time to get his stuff out of my apartment...and I'm afraid he's gonna fight me tooth and nail. That weighs on me too...
I just want to come back to my apartment and have my job and be able to live life on my own terms...out from under his control, abuse, and addictions...not to mention his insecurity and immaturity (he's 46, I'm 31....but he acts like he's 10!)
I personally know an officer on the police force here, and I will definitely call him if I need him.
Thanks again, clockwork...you're very kind!
SA
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