Today - UPDATE! yella: Hey Guys,
I'm here again with some prodding from smasher and GS. Well, mainly GS.
These are my reasons, and if you don't want to reply, it's ok, but I want to list them anyway.
1. I left here because I thought it would be best for me, but the truth is that I don't know what's best for me right now. I deleted my account because I was very hurt and VERY angry, and rather than have an opening to post something and get into trouble, I deleted my account to rid that chance. I guess it was for my own safety. Maybe it was wrong, I don't know.
2. I'm back and will keep my account this time, and just suspend it when I feel an angry surge come on, which hopefully it won't. Sometimes when I try to think smart, I do something stupid, and I'm sure 99% of you have done the same. Right?
3. I'm just beginning my whole real divorce process, and today I have my first official and legal meeting with my stbx, his lawyer, and my own. I'm a complete wreck. My head is spinning and I have no real idea how I'm going to stand up to these two. I know I have my lawyer, but he doesn't know me, and he doesn't know the hell my stbx and his lawyer has already put me through, so he can't protect me. I have to rely on myself, and I'm not exactly busting with confidence lately. It's all been pretty much stripped away from me.
4. Work is a total mess. There's no security here, and I don't know if I'll have a job in a month, so yeah, it's been pretty damn scary.
5. I got into another fight with my mom the other night. When I say this, I mean it. We fought over my sister, and she said something to me that made me snap. I stood up, told her to f*ck off, and each time she tried to talk to me, I told her to shut up. The fight as a whole is a total blank to me because I basically blacked out with anger. Everything that's been pent up from the past few months came out in those few minutes and we haven't really spoken since then.
6. D is sick with croup again, and I was up all night with him last night. I can't stay home with him, so he's stuck at day-care.
7. Other than smasher (who's been great), and you guys, I have no real support right now, so GS strongly advised me to come back here where I can get it.
The question is, will you support me after the number of times I've deleted my account?
I've hit one hell of a string of bad luck, and I'm doing my best to get through it, but it makes me feel pretty pathetic. I'm pretty much a zombie walking around, and I'm not too sure where I'm going.
I have to get through this meeting today, but I don't know if I can. I'm really, really scared.
To wrap this up, I'm sorry to be such a bother, and I'm sorry that I deleted my account... again... My reputation probably doesn't look to shiny right now, huh?
Re: Today SayAnything89: Hi, Smiley...
I really don't know you, I'm pretty new here, and so I don't know your story, but I just want to tell you that I, for one, will surely support you...no matter what you've said/done in the past! The past is just that, the past! We are here to support one another, through the good, the bad, and the ugly....
And, as I am just beginning this journey of divorce (from an abusive, controlling, addicted husband of 10.5 years), I will need all the support and wisdom that all of you can (and have already!) give me.....so I, of course, will give that support in return!
YOU CAN DO THIS!!! I know from your post that everything in your world seems upside down....but we'll be here to hold you up!!
Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat/vent/cry/scream....
((((((((HUGS))))))))
SA
Re: Today sheydp: Deleting hurts no one but yourself, honey, you are welcome back no matter how many times you delete, as far as I am concerned.
You need support, you HAVE it. Today is going to be a tough one, but we will all be here with you, pulling for you. Keep posting, keep looking.
Croup - my kids had that a lot... honestly, once the sun comes up they forget the night. My kids spent the day as if they hadn't kept me up all night... lol.
Sometimes when we look at each problem listed like that, it gets overwhelming. Today is not the day to worry about your job. You still have it now, right? You may spend a TON of time fretting about it, only to find you never lose it. Just for today, BELIEVE you have a secure job - and you may very well be right to believe it!
Your mom needed to see it, needed to hear it. You will patch it up, and you will be able to talk reasonably later - AGAIN - not something you need to be worrying about today. She is your mom, you will be ok. One thing at a time.
Your lawyer doesn't need to know what they put you through, or anything about them. He can do his job of protecting you without any of that. He just needs to know you are willing to fight, he will protect you from legalese. You CAN get through this, you WILL, no matter what. The only question is how much strength can you muster, maintain, and retain. Effort will give you strength, so FOCUS. You will be ok.
((((((((((HUGS))))))))
Shey
Re: Today yella: That's the thing... I don't know if I have any left at all. Right when I need to be at my strongest I'm not. It's scary.
But, I'm glad that I still have support here when I need it. I make mistakes, hell, I'm the leader of all mistakes (well, maybe not all). Some are a lot tougher to learn from.
I sent my mom an e-mail telling her that I'm scared, which is what she wanted me to do, so we'll see if she supports me or not. I'm used to doing these types of things on my own, so I know I don't need her there with me, but knowing that she supports me from afar is what I need. Maybe I'll get that.
Thank you again for supporting me during this time. If I can get through this first one, I can go through the rest. I hope!
Re: Today sheydp: You DO have it, and saying out loud you aren't sure is only going to eat away at your confidence. You ARE at your strongest, because you are leaning on friends, doing what you need to do, even through your fear. You came back here, though you were afraid to. You wrote your mom, not knowing what the response will be. You ARE more strong than you realize, and you are just taking now to marshall your forces. WE are part of your forces, part of your backing, and you have US.
So... I want to HEAR you recognize your own strength. You laid out the reasons to be weak... lay out the reasons to be strong. Lay out your strength... and you will see you have more than you think. I promise.
Shey
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