I can't be scared forever clockwork: B-
I just wanted to let you know that i am not going to be scared anymore. I am learning more and more everday about myself and who i am.
When we were married i was your wife and K and L's mom. I was the one who did everything. I worked, cooked, cleaned, took the kids to school/babysitter, picked them up, did the laundry, did the shopping, paid the bills, hell, i even did the yardwork. I did everything EXCEPT go to your job for you.
I tried so hard to save my marriage-forgiving you and moving past every damn thing you did. It has taken me a long time to honestly say that I did nothing wrong. I was as close to perfect to you as anyone could be. I loved you and I never wanted to lose you, or our family. That was my biggest fear in life-failing in a marriage and tearing my family apart. The thing is, I didn't fail-YOU DID. You failed to be a husband, a friend, a partner, a father. You told me so many times that people are supposed to look out for #1 and that is exactly what you did. You did what was best for you and you alone.
For so long I have been scared to death to give myself to anyone. I was so scared of making mistakes and having to go through this pain again. Well, you know what: I am not going to give you the sarisfaction of me being scared to move on anymore. You have a new life, and K,L, and I, well, we deserve a new life too and starting today-we are going to have it.
No more bowing down to you.
No more getting a long with you for the sake of getting along.
No more putting up with crap from your psycho girlfriend
No more changing plans to make sure you see K-follow the papers.
No more trying to be perfect-I am not married to you anymore and i owe you NOTHING!!!!!!
No more wondering what went wrong, or you why fell out of love with me.
No more wondering what happened to that wonderful man i married-he's gone-doesn't exist anymore.
No more trying to figure out what she has that i didn't. She will never be the mother, wife, friend, or person that i am, and i don't have to compete with her.
I am going to start dating again-no matter how hard it is.
I am going to allow people to love me.
I am not going to run in the opposite direction anymore.
I am going to allow myself to be happy.
I am going to start acting like the "EX-WIFE"-that's what you wanted and that is what you will get.
I am going to rediscover the person that i was before you-the person that everybody wanted to be around.
I am going to tell the truth when people ask what happened with us-no more sugar coating things for your sake.
And finally........
I am going to have sex---lots of it---all the time---with J..........PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT.
I have made some new friends at a local hang out that we like to call OJAR. Wonderful people just like me. I have learned more from them in the last couple of weeks than i thought possible. Especially that it is okay for each of us to be ourselves and not have to worry about abandonment. They are there for me 24 hours a day-kind of like the husband that i never had.
So, if you ever run into any of them: know one thing----------They are MY friends and you can't have them. I don't think you would fit in anyway-this place is about honesty-somthing that you know nothing about.
While i am sure i will write other letters to you here, for now, Have a good life,
C
Re: I can't be scared forever BONILLAK: Wow I could have written ever word of that letter myself!!!!!!
Re: I can't be scared forever 2be: We got your back clockwork! ;)
Re: I can't be scared forever yella: NICE!!!! I'm loving that! ;)
Seriously, nice letter! I've written a few of them myself like that. It feels good, doesn't it?
