It's just frustrating... MikeB: Hi there...
Well, emotionally it's still same old here (though for the last week it was rather worse... more intense)... I still love and miss her... I still stick by my plan: Do my best to improve myself... won't give up my love... hope for another chance with her someday and hope to improve my chances with her by improving myself as much as I can... but that's not why I'm posting here--
I just met a friend of ours (whom I hadn't seen for about 5 months) on the train home... we didn't talk about me and her... not at all,
but it just made so many of the memories become so much more vivid... My ex and me always met him at parties in this one little club(sort of) which I haven't visited since the breakup, because she's almost always there when she's in town(it's kind of a home away from home for her... many of her friends are always there, and I'm afraid they are so much on "her side" that they would tell me she did the right thing leaving me... I just wouldn't be able to enjoy myself there. Weird though...all of my friends tell me they don't understand why she left and that they think it would be worth her giving it another try)...
Anyway... the memories just kept flooding and flooding since I got on that train and met this friend of ours...
All the parties where my ex and I used to tease each other, where we had so much fun, where she used to "boast" about how happy I made her feel... where she would throw her arms around me, smile, kiss me and say "hands off! he's mine - and I'll never let him go!" when I was talking to some female friend of ours.. (no she wasn't jealous, she said this with a smile on her face - just to "show off"... knowing I only love her.)...
Or when we would always walk home after the parties there and either fall right asleep in each others arms the moment we went to bed or have a little "fun" after a night out and then cuddle for another hour before falling asleep...
..those vivid memories make it all the more incomprehensible why she would give up the life we had... the love we had... the joy and happiness I gave her through the years...
And now we haven't had contact for three months... although she said shortly before christmes that she'd always want me to be a part of her life, that we wouldn't lose our friendship... that she trusts me above all others and that I'll always be very close to her heart... and now it all seems to mean nothing to her...
but as one of my friends said: it's a phase she's going through where she wants to be completely independent... three months of no contact is nothing... and when the time comes when she'll want to have someone in her life who shares her interests more than anyone else, whom she can trust unconditionally... who'll go to concerts, to the opera, the theater, the movies with her, with whom she can have a discussion about poetry... when she'll want someone to give her love and affection... you can at least be sure that she'll think about you... and I (that is to say my friend, though I agree) really think there is noone who could give her all that except for you...
..it's just so frustrating, but I'll stick with my plan... I really belive we're meant for each other and some day there will come the time when there is a chance for us again... and then I'll take it...
until then I need the support of you Ojarians... to get me through the hardship and loneliness, the pain, the anger, the despair...
...I'm so sick of sleeping alone in this bed that was once ours...
and just yesterday a simple phrase came to my mind that caused me so much pain...
"her side of the bed"
...it isn't anymore, not since almost half a year... but I still see her there every time I enter the room, when I wake up in the morning or in the middle of the night... sometimes I still reach out for her in my sleep and then startle awake when my hand reaches into emptiness...
it's so hard... but I'll live... I'll make it through... and whether my second chance should come in months, years or decades... it will eventually and I'll take it... and I will not forget to live my life until then... I will go out and have fun... I will improve myself...
I just need to call on myself always "to strive, to seek, to find and not to yield!"
anyway... thanks for reading through my verboseness here...
[size=7pt"> (P.S. please don't bother telling me how slim my chances are bla bla... I know the odds... this is not what this thread is about, I just needed to get these things off my chest)[/size">
Re: It's just frustrating... sheydp: Mike... those "habits" are the worst... The things that remind you of the good times, the levels of comfort you had... Even as you hold out hope for a reconciliation, the reminder you aren't there RIGHT NOW is difficult. Just keep filling your life with new experiences, sometimes ones that touch the old ones - and it will get better. You won't forget, but you will have new things to remember as well as the old things. It will get better!
Shey
Re: It's just frustrating... yella: Mike-
I can relate to how you feel on so many levels. I do the same things you do because I'm such an emotional person and I feel everything. I always have and sometimes it's a gift, but most times it's a curse.
I too often wonder if or when I'll get that second chance, and I too don't want to let go of the love I feel, but I'm also know that I burnt my bridges as a way to protect myself, and maybe it caused me more harm, but I'll never feel that same way again.
We all find ourselves hoping for that second chance, but in most cases, once we realize that our lives can and will move on, the pull for that second chance begins to fade into the past. I hope this happens for you, and for me too, so we can move forward and find the real and true happiness we both deserve.
You're in my thoughts...
Re: It's just frustrating... MikeB: @sheyd: Thanks... new experiences... yes, that's what I'm trying to "collect" in order fill my "emotional bank account" (for lack of better words). The problem is just that all the things I like to do that are "really me" are the things we have in common.... literature, art, music, theater, opera, philosophy... and I could kick myself over and over again, because everytime I listen to a very good piece of music, stand before a beautiful painting, read a poem that really touches me etc and the moment arrives where I can fully appreciate the beauty of it... the memories start flooding... of how we always enjoyed such things... and then there is the thought "That's something she would really love to see/hear/read"...
Nevertheless, I try to create new experiences by going out a lot with my friends... that helps a bit, though not always. And there are new memories... of college and going out (roaming the streets) in Munich with my fellow students... It'll get better, and although I'm back in depression for the time being... it will get better, as long as I remember not to give up on my life.
Thanks shey!
@Smiley: Thank you for your sympathy... I know most people here on Ojar know the feelings, the habits that remind us...
Gift or Curse? - Well, it allows us to give much love and affection than people who aren't that emotional... we care more.... but we are also much more vulnerable... anyway, I prefer being a person capable of such love who is severely depressed for the time being than a person without the capability for such love who is perfectly happy...
Don't get me wrong... but I'd rather have a second chance than have my need for it fade away... I'm sure you understand...
Anyway... thank you both for your kindness and sympathy... I appreciate it.
Thanks for your advice...
