A bit of advice for a devistated man gill7784: Hi all!
First, I am SO glad that I found this forum. It has helped me get through a rough few days. At the very least, it has kept me occupied.
Well, here is my story. I married my beautiful wife on April 25, 1997. We have been through some rough times, but I always regarded our love for each other as unwavering. We had, in the eyes of many, the perfect marriage. We NEVER fight, we get along well, we do not have money problems and we have a wonderful 7 year old son. Granted, we have slipped into a routine of sorts, but I never stopped loving her with all of my heart.
As fate would have it, a few weeks ago, she uttered the infamous words “I love you, but I am not in love with you”. She asked for a divorce. I was devastated! I begged her to stay for the sake of our family. She remained for a few days until a horrid Wednesday when I told her that if she was truly never going to be happy with me, she can go. Without hesitation, she packed a bag and left.
Since we walked out of my life, I have been suffering a slow painful death. I have tried and tried to get her to come home, but my efforts only seem to widen the rift between us. In a last ditch effort to salvage or family, I sent her a letter. I don’t know if it was a good idea, but I know that I MUST do something.
Here is the text of the letter I sent.
XXX,
I just don’t know where to begin. I suppose that I should start with the most important thing that I have come to see. Through my own self pity and remorse for love lost, I have done the exact thing that I hoped to avoid. I have pushed you farther and farther away. Reflecting on the recent weeks, I realize that I am in a sever identity crisis. I simply do not know who I am without you. See, there is no Josh XXXX any more. I learned all of the most important things about life through being with you, and I have become the man that I am because of you. Indeed, there is no Josh. There is Josh, XXX's husband and Josh, XXX's dad. Through this lack of knowing who I am, I do not know how to act. My instincts tell me to reach out and cling to your heart as a drowning swimmer would cling to a life raft. Sadly, I see that in doing so, I am only forcing us deeper into despair.
Despite the emotions that cloud my good sense, I truly want you to know that I forgive US. I do not blame you for leaving me, and I understand why your heart has turned into a fortress of protection. I have been such a fool! I always regarded our love as an unwavering constant. I became entrenched in the notion that you would always be by my side. But, that sense of unwavering companionship is exactly the reason you are no longer by my side. You see, only through fear of loss, will one strive to protect and keep with is truly dear to their heart. I did not strive; instead I maintained the status quo. Rather than do the things that I thought make a good husband, I should have been doing the things that made me a good companion. I should have listened to your cries for change and I responded with absolute determination to improve.
I want you to know that I say these things as a man in love with a woman. I do not have fear of losing material possessions, and I do not say these things because of XXX. If you remove all of the things that we have built together, the truth is that I love you with all of my heart. You are the one and only person that I am meant to be with, forever. Your voice, your smell, your friendship… they are the things that make me happier then one can express in words.
My commitment to you is simple and eternal. I am committed to being a man that you can love. I realize that it may take months, or years. But, the prize is worth the fight. I will give you what you need most right now. I will give you time and space. Please, though, never forget that there is a person on this planet that will love you until the day you die, without question and without regret.
It will take hard work, XXX, but it CAN be done.
I just want an opportunity to show her another way. I really don’t know what to do! Any advice? Honestly, I see this as a tremendous opportunity to improve a relationship, and I refuse to allow it to end.
Thanks for the support!
Josh
Re: A bit of advice for a devistated man C-Note: I second that. Please remove the names... it's a hard time your going though.. I know you are not thinking straight. But you must protect your Identity at all times. That of yourself, your child's and your STBX.
Re: A bit of advice for a devistated man gill7784: Removed! Thanks, I didn't even think about that. See, im a wreck! :)
Re: A bit of advice for a devistated man C-Note: Sorry your going through this. It sucks. I can't judge your letter cause nothing I ever did got my Ex to come back. You didn't mention anything like infidelity or change in sexual preference so I can't tell what affect your letter may have.
Counsuling for yourself and if your wife is willing, maybe counsuling for both of you may help. It sounds like you feel your actions cause her to split, but remember she was the one who made the "..not in love with you statement". IMHO nothing you could have done would have prevented her from leaving. She was just looking for an excuse.
Start working on yourself. This site is a great help for those going through this nightmare.
Re: A bit of advice for a devistated man gill7784: Well, I certainly don't think that everything is my fault, as it takes two to make it work and two to make it not work. However, I sense that this it not the time to be pointing the finger at her. I would rather look inward to my contributory behaviors and find a way to improve.
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