Re: Sigh shockedandamazed: Whatnext - did you find that you got 'spooked' over her feelings for you, or did you truly not love her? Why did you find you couldn't ask her if you could slow things down or not?
I know my definition of love has definately changed so much - and it is imperitive not to let infatuation cloud whether or not you love someone.
Can I also ask how long you have been divorced and how soon after did you start this relationship?
One more...are you now longing for her?
Sorry so many questions...I have started a new (brand, brand new) relationship, and I think he is the greatest guy I have ever known...but it has only been two months.
Re: Sigh whatnext: Yes, I was spooked. Now I'm wondering if I did the right thing. I had been contemplating ending the relationship for awhile, but now I'm wondering if it was mostly a reaction out of fear, or a genuine response to her and to the way things were going.
I think my view of love is maybe a bit different than hers. For me, love implies committment and responsibilty. And I'm not ready for that. So I couldn't love her, does that make sense? No matter how much I enjoyed her, I can't just throw myself into another long-term relationship now. I care about her.
Another aspect of this is that I really feel like I missed out on an important aspect of dating -- the chance to interview different people, to see how different women are, and to have a broader pool of experiences to draw from when ultimately choosing a partner. Maybe that seems cold and calculating. It certainly feels that way now. This was my first relationship post-divorce.
I did actually say I needed things slow, but it kept going quickly, and (naturally) as I expressed the need for space (fear of smothering/engulfment), she expressed her fear of abandonment.
I'm not divorced. I'm seperated 18 months, but it's a million miles away. It honestly has nothing to do with it. I started this relationship in late December.
Am I longing for her? Not exactly. I'm more concerned with whether or not I've let go of a suitable partner, and whether or not I've done so out of fear. I have broken up with a suitable partner, but if I'm not longing for her, is she the one for me? Or is that just a game we play? This is my dilemma.
Re: Sigh shockedandamazed: So - you met a rather compatible partner right out of the gate, right?
Me too...and I had it in my head that I would date around for a year and then try to look for someone...two weeks after I had put myself back out there...I meet him....and he is only 3 months separated and 1 month into filing for divorce. We are both scared sh*tless and he has been the one to slow things down rather than me...I don't want a long term relationship either, but the guy is great! There is definately something there and neither one of us expected to find someone so quick.
So, it is interesting to see your perspective on this. But, you find that you really couldn't go from one relationship (marriage) into another? (I don't blame you) Do you find you need more time by yourself or do you really want to date around? Also, did she handle what you said pretty well? I think it's great you were upfront with her.
Re: Sigh whatnext: I'm not sure how she's handling things. She said on Friday night, that she knew six days ago this was going to happen. She isn't angry, but I know she's hurting.
No, I guess really can't go from one relationship to another, and I don't really want to. I think I need more time by myself AND more time to date around. It sounds a little gross (as opposed to refined) to say that I need to date around, but I think it's the only way for me. And to feel that way now... well, I know that feeling wouldn't just go away.
The more I reflect on this, the better I feel about this decision. I did meet a rather compatible partner "right out of the gate", yes. But in addition to feeling that "something's missing", my own wish to have a few experiences and the fact that she fell into the well became too much for us.
As soon I knew she fell for me, I felt a weight, and now I feel too light.
Re: Sigh shockedandamazed: So...whatnext...did you find that you did not allow yourself to fall for her or did you not fall for her because like you said, something was missing? Do you know what that something was?
Do you think things would have gone along fine if she would not have said that she was falling for you?
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