Any Day Now TrueBlue: Hi folks,
This isn't really a vent, but I didn't know where else to post. It's just rambling really. Which I think I need to do right now.
I've been here on and off since November. Sort of in Lala Land because my stbxh wasn't doing anything about the divorce. For reference - I'm in India and the divorce laws here are ... difficult. So, I waited for 6 months for him to get around to finding a lawyer. Not much choice, and that was what my lawyer recommended.
Well, a few weeks ago, I got an email saying that he had a lawyer who was drawing up a petition - he wasn't - he couldn't because he was missing information from me. Anyhoo, I met with both lawyers a couple of weeks ago, my stbxh was out of town so he wasn't there. A bit stressful for me, meeting with lawyers about a law with which I am not familiar - alone!! Anyway, a few days ago I finally contacted my stbxh because I was again sick of sitting and twiddling my thumbs while he did nothing, and we actually got the child support agreed upon, so the petition can finally go to the court.
Up until the time I spoke with him, I felt like I was doing pretty good. In my head I realize that at this point, this divorce is not all bad. But I am still having a really difficult time right now. I try to keep busy. I only have 6 weeks left and I will finish my Master's degree - of course that keeps me busy. I need to move into a new apartment, so I have been shopping for furniture. And that's been fun, my boys like helping to choose what should be in their room etc. But as soon as I get down time I feel bad. Not terrible, just sad. I know that this has been going on for a long time, and it is surely easier now than it was even a few months ago, but now I am feeling just sad. I had a couple of months without dreams about him, but now they have started again. I had been sleeping better, and now I can't sleep. It's difficult to focus on my studies, to tell you the truth, I don't FEEL like writing a paper, doing research, or answering questions!! At all. It's not depression - it's not that bad, but I just feel down.
I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. On the one hand I am looking forward to moving out, but I am scared and sad about it. I know that it will be difficult for my boys and I know how the youngest one acts out when one of his parents aren't around for a long time. I try to balance these fears with the knowledge that I can now make my own decisions and do as I please and have a little freedom to be myself.
So why do I feel so down these days? Is it just because it is all coming to a head and soon we will be going to court and then we are done? Probably. I guess I know that. I also know that I have to learn to get along with my stbxh without falling apart because it will only benefit the boys. It's just a lot easier when I don't have to deal with him, see him, hear him, or think about him.
Any day now I will have another good day - hopefully dayS.
Re: Any Day Now superwife: [quote author=TrueBlue link=topic=27101.msg262007#msg262007 date=1143314640">
In my head I realize that at this point, this divorce is not all bad. But I am still having a really difficult time right now. I try to keep busy. I only have 6 weeks left and I will finish my Master's degree - of course that keeps me busy. I need to move into a new apartment, so I have been shopping for furniture. And that's been fun, my boys like helping to choose what should be in their room etc. But as soon as I get down time I feel bad. Not terrible, just sad. I know that this has been going on for a long time, and it is surely easier now than it was even a few months ago, but now I am feeling just sad. I had a couple of months without dreams about him, but now they have started again. I had been sleeping better, and now I can't sleep. It's difficult to focus on my studies, to tell you the truth, I don't FEEL like writing a paper, doing research, or answering questions!! At all. It's not depression - it's not that bad, but I just feel down.
[/quote">
Trueblue, I can completely relate. I'm in grad school too, and while I'm trying to focus all my efforts on that (and work, and my daughter), the downtime is very difficult. And my downtime is when I should be doing my papers. Every Monday, I drop my daughter off at school, and do not see her again until thursday. I'm off on Mondays, so that is my study day. And it is a painful day, as I say goodbye to her, and come home to an empty house, and have to concentrate on schoolwork. I was sleeping well at first too, now, not so good. It goes in phases. I used to wake up in a panic every morning at 5am. Now I still get up too early, but at least not in a panic. I wonder if mine is depression at times. I know it is situational, I've been known to not handle stressful situations well (I know I'm not alone).
Moving was bittersweet for me too. I was happy to have my independence (never lived alone), but scared to death at the same time.
[quote"> I also know that I have to learn to get along with my stbxh without falling apart because it will only benefit the boys. It's just a lot easier when I don't have to deal with him, see him, hear him, or think about him. [/quote">
It is very difficult. But he also has to learn to get along with you too. It is a lot easier not dealing w/ him. I hate when something comes up and I have to talk to him. I need to talk to him about the summer (vacations, camp, etc), and I'd much rather avoid it. But I'd be just as bad as him if i avoid it.
[quote"> Any day now I will have another good day - hopefully dayS.
[/quote"> Yes you will.
Re: Any Day Now TrueBlue: I am so glad to read that I am not the only one. Sometimes I wonder if I should have taken a break to get through it, but I have been afraid that if I take a break I won't get back to it. How old is your daughter? It is so hard to be without the kids, but at the same time it is hard with them! But, I guess they are why I am working so hard too. I need to be able to put food on the table on my own!
As for the depression, I was diagnosed with... reactionary depression - basically situational. I will be taken off the medication soon. I'm a lot better simply because I can DO something about things now instead of waiting around for him to get cracking. I'm barely taking any medication now. I know what I have now is not depression, because I've been there and it's an UGLY place.
I am glad that summers are taken care of for us. We didn't even talk about summers or put them in the visitation because summer is the only time of year that we can go back to see my family every year. Thankfully my stbxh is understanding of that and is allowing that without any repercusions. I will be thinking of you. I hope that your communications go smoothly and quickly!
Re: Any Day Now superwife: [quote author=TrueBlue link=topic=27101.msg262260#msg262260 date=1143398997">
I am so glad to read that I am not the only one. Sometimes I wonder if I should have taken a break to get through it, but I have been afraid that if I take a break I won't get back to it. How old is your daughter? [/quote">
She's 6. I'm so close to finishing, and I really can't stop now. My job depends on me finishing, and if I stop, I'll have to start paying back myn loans. I'm basically trapped. But when I am done, it will be the best feeling in the world.
[quote"> It is so hard to be without the kids, but at the same time it is hard with them! But, I guess they are why I am working so hard too. I need to be able to put food on the table on my own