what i'm desprate to say.... EssieDotCom: What do you want? (what he recently said to me in an Email) and what i want to say back to him.
What I want is to be happy; weather that means picking up and moving everything the kids and I know here to be back with you or just giving up on everything I've known with you for the last 10 yrs and moving on with me life. At one point in time you had said you didn't want us to be like your mom in dad, but what did you mean by that?
You can write as many emails to me as you like; but I need to hear these feelings coming from you voice, i need to see it in you. I need you to look me square the eyes and tell me everything you've been feeling about us and everything you feel you need and you feel we need. I need to hear it and see coming from you. Emails are nice, but what I need from you is to hear it. Don't ask me why, but emails are just words, they are nice, but I need so desprately to hear all of this from you. We need to sit down and really talk; not through emails, but face to face, eye to eye. I have a million questions I need you to answer, no avoiding them, no avoiding the feelings they may bring up. I need to know that we are going to be able to do this, to be able to compermise together, and work together to get through anything, including this.
I need to put my foot down right now and tell you, that I do love you, but if we can't sit face to face, talking instead of writing emails and avoiding stepping on feet or hurting each other, then there's nothing left for us. We need to communicate face to face! this is what i want now more than anything. I need this, we need this, we need to sit down and communicate. No emails, just us, talking. open heartly to one another.
I know you've missed out on a lot of things in the kids lives, but you've got to remember I've been here the whole time, with them, and you've missed out a lot on my (our) lives. There has been so much that I've been through and have tried so hard to remain strong, stubborn and bold, but couldn't always. I need to feel like I do mean the world to you and i need not only for you to say that you want to fight for us in an email or to my face, but i also need to see changes. I desire that just as much if not more than you. I NEED to see things changing, not just words but real change. I want to be happy more than anything in the world. I know that we can't always have what we want, but I feel, we, and our children, deserve to be happy, no matter what, the kids come first in my book and i'm sure in yours too. But i also know if mommys unhappy the kids see that and feel that and react to it. And I haven't been very happy in the last 7 months, on and off i've had happy spots but I haven't really been "happy" and i know its not all about me, its about us and about our children. one way or another i need to get over what i'm feeling, i need to know if we can wash away whats behind us and move or if i'm just hoping upon hope that things will change for the better.
I do love you, but i need to talk it out with you, be it over the phone, although i'd rather it be face to face, eye to eye.
Love-your butterfly
Re: what i'm desprate to say.... brokenbaby: I only wish that I had been able to clearly say what you just did before it was much too late.
You are so strong, and a wonderful Mom. E-mail is so unemotional. It is the worst kind of communication for this stuff. It is too easy to read what isn't or miss what is.
~BB
Re: what i'm desprate to say.... fkunone: For me, I just wanted to hear the honesty, even after the lies. Beautiful response if you ever gave it to him.
