Regrets yella: As a kid I remember never wanting anyone on this planet mad at me. I made it a point to be friends with everyone and I was always well liked.
I only had one enemy in school and that was because everyone else liked me, and she hated that. Plus, we shared similar first names.
But as I got older and started branching out, I noticed that my own personality started to change, and the less I tried to make everyone else around me happy, the more enemies I began to make.
My stubborn days came in high school, just when I was getting over my shyness and the damage that my grandmother and aunts caused became real to me, and I started to fight back. It became clear that in order to grow a backbone and not get stepped on, I had to open my mouth and begin talking. So I did, but it was a tiny bit at a time.
I've met so many people in my life so far. Most I'm more than happy to have met, more than happy to know, and more than happy to call friends. Some I wish I never met, and I wish I could erase those times and take the wasted time back, but I can't. They're etched in my memory forever, and I have to make the most of that. Of course I try my hardest to just suppress those memories and pretend like they never happened. ::)
I wish I didn't feel like this... like every morning I wake up a part of the demon is still there. I wish it would just go away so I can live freely, but I think it'll be there for a while, or at least until my heart catches up with my head and begins to suppress it too. It's a wasted regret, one where if I had only one wish to be granted, it would be wiped out. I'm not learning anything from it, it's just here haunting me still. Like a ghost that can't find it's way to the afterlife. It just hangs here... in limbo...
Even with the new life starting, this regret is still here. *sigh* I suppose I'll be dealing with regrets like these for the rest of my life. I guess I'd better find a way of dealing with them.
I'm not sure if this is a vent, or just that I'm in deep thought for the day.
Re: Regrets sosad05: In a strange kind of way I get it. I have a lot of past situations I regret. I also have things that happened in my life that I dont think I ever got over. My xh lied to me and cheated on me only after 4 months of dating...I can honestly say the pain I felt then is as excruciating as some of the pain I feel now...14 years later. I look back and dont think I ever truly got over it. I think I was always waiting for him to do something to me to hurt me again.
I also have regrets about friends I made and bridges I burned. I have regrets about career choices I made. Choices that cost me my emotional well-being....and for what???
I wonder if there will ever be a day that I feel 100% good. I wonder when that day will come that I stop looking at the past and the what ifs. I hope that day gets here because I hate to feel this way for another 50 years still! :'(
