What I've learned Psyner: First one is pretty harsh. “She/he left for no reason” is a lie. Everything happens for a reason.
Listen. They will tell you why they left. Or they already have and you didn’t listen.
“I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you” ….. All I know is that this is really bad. Don’t fool yourself. It’s REALLY bad.
If they ask for space, give it to them. They came to this conclusion for a reason. Anything you do to prove your love and worth will go unnoticed. They reached this conclusion from things that happened in the past. You can’t change the past. Pushing them while they’re trying to make this decision WILL only make it worse.
Snooping – bad, don’t do it. One more time, don’t do it. You’ll just find things that will make you feel worse. You’ll also feel worse for doing it. Don’t do it.
Don’t change yourself to convince them to come back. I’m not saying don’t better yourself. Just make sure you are truly doing it for yourself. They left you the way you are. They’ll decide whether or not they want to come back based on the person you were, not the person you promise you can be.
Don’t look to their family for answers. Their family is there to support them, not you.
Read this quote:
you know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? It's that when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with, you realize that that is how little they're thinking about you. you'd like to think that you're both in all this pain, but really they're just like, "hey, i'm glad you're gone."
- ethan hawke 'Before Sunrise'
That’s VERY true when you think about it. If they left you or cheated on you or whatever, they already stopped thinking about your feelings. Don’t expect them to feel sorry for you.
When you’re grieving, you’re really feeling sorry for yourself and thinking about what YOU want. You want this to work. Again, don’t expect them to feel sorry for you.
Another Quote:
If you love something, set it free... If it comes back, it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was yours.
I read this a long time ago and thought I understood it. You won’t understand it until you’re truly ready to set them free and realize they probably won’t come back.
Don't hold the things they did against them. In order to move on you have to let these thoughts free. No break up is perfect. They did what they did to get out of the relationship, the way they thought was best at the time. It's going to hurt no matter how they did it. Let it go.
Pain. The pattern seems to be that it peaks at the beginning…. Gets a little better…. And then gradually grows again as you get closer to the truth. This is when you realize that it’s over. This is when you start thinking about all the things that you were looking forward to doing in the future. You’ll break down at the smallest thing. Today I broke down in a restaurant because I saw a family with small kids and realized that that would never happen with us… and then when I realized that it would happen with her, just with a different family, it hurt even worse. I don’t know when I’ll stop having these thoughts. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I know it’s there.
If you’ve reached a point when you’re not communicating any more, things aren’t getting better, and neither one of you has filed for divorce. Perhaps you should step up and do it for them.
That’s all.
As a side note, listen to this song….. Its very sad, but it helps me look to the future. The acoustic version is best. Duran Duran – Ordinary World.
Here are the lyrics - http://ojar.com/boards/index.php/topic,27558.0.html
Re: What I've learned yella: Wow! I think this was one of the best posts I've ever read in the year I've been here off and on.
Very well written, and very much true.
Ethan Hawke was right, and when the one who leaves (or is leaving) makes you feel crazy for thinking this, don't believe it. You're not crazy. Your instincts are telling you this, so listen to it. They really don't care about how you feel, only how they feel. Don't be fooled by fake sympathy they try to hand out, and don't believe it when they say they still love you. They want you gone, and that's that. Harsh, but true.
Thank you for posting this. It's painfully and heartbreakingly true.
Re: What I've learned broken_saint: very well said Psy!!! i'm a leavee. i just had the "i'm not in love with you" knock out punch hit me not too long ago. it's funny how you have the same restaurant visions as i do whenever i see a family together having a good time. i break down at least once a day. i'm a grown man and i've never cried for anything until now.
thanks for your post psy, it helps.
