How Do I Move on? Shattered: My husband and I have been together for more than 12 years and have been married for more than 7. He is the only man I have ever been with.
We have always had a very loving relationship even though it was a struggle at times. My husband could never fully commit to me and I ended up asking him to marry me, My husband has always been plagued by needing attention from other girls in order to make him feel good. Most of his friends are girls.
We started having problems about 3 years ago. MY husband and I started working opposite schedules and didn't have a lot of time together. What little time we did have together my husband increasingly spent it by himself in the basement IMing girls. This really depressed me and he wouldn't stop. It just kept getting worse and worse. I became so depressed that I stopped caring about the relationship which only made things worse. To add to my feeling of worthlessness, my husband has been for YEARS witdrawing from sex. I could not initiate it. We only had it when HE wanted it and it was usually when we were sleeping. There was no connection. In the end we were having sex in the middle of the night only and only a few times a year.
Last year things got really bad. My husband met someone on a fetish board that shared the same fetish board as him. This is a fetish I don't really like. They secretly started talking and became really connected. We started marriage counseling shortly thereafter as a last ditch effort to save the marriage. I did not realize at the time how closely connected they were and that she had told him she loved him. I only found out because she posts on myspace and everyone I knew had read what she was saying about my husband except for me.
My husband instisted they were just friends and I didn't have the strength to say you needed to stop the emotional affair or I would leave.
I was giving the marriage counseling 100% and I thought things were getting better. Turns out he was just acting the part, that he was too far gone.
I was completing shocked in August when he said he was leaving me and wanted a divorce. He loved the other woman. The kicker to the story is she was 18 at the time and he was 30.
For months since he has been establishing a relationship with her but still couldn't let me go. He spent time with her on a business trip since they live in different states. I finally gave him an ultimadum in December that he had 10 days to choose or I was filing for divorce. He said he wasn't sure what he wanted yet he made a plan to have her visit our city and meet all our friends and family. I told him it was over and he came back to me the next day and said he had ended things with her and he wanted me. For the next 2 weeks he continued to talk to her behind my back and then told me he couldn't like without her and he was going back to her.
But he never really got back together with her. He was still undecided. At the end of February he told me he wanted to move back in and make things work and wouldn't change his mind again. That he had ended all romantic connections with her. Like an idiot, I believed him. We started marriage therapy and it was going well although he continued to talk to her. Come to find out that he had misrepresented himself when he wanted to move back in. He did not have any feelings for the marriage. He thought if he acted the part that the feelings would come back. It finally came to a head in counseling that he needed to not have Christina in his life if he wanted to make things work with me. He said he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to do that. The funny thing is he acknowledged that I had been doing everything right since we've been working on our relationsip. That I was giving him everything he needs. But his heart wasn't in it. Last night- he posted loving sweet words to her on her website. I got very angry, we fought and he got in his car and drove off. he didn't tell me where he was going. Turns out he drove down to California where she lives because he can't be without her. I told him if he walked in that front door I would never be there again. He walked in the front door. Not before calling me and telling me that this is the worst he has ever felt and he would turn the car around if I would take him back and he would cut her out of his life. I told him what I needed for that to happen and to think about it. He never bothered to call me to tell me he made the decision to continue driving towards her. I had to call and get that info.
Wow- that felt good. Writing it all out I realize that I did not put enough value in myself. And I feel horribly stupid for being dumped 3 times. So how do I pick up the pieces? How do I move on from someone I have been with for almost half my life? I want to hopefully find someone new. But my self esteem is shot and I now have a real trust issue with guys. I can't imagine anyone wanting me.
Re: How Do I Move on? sudboy: [quote author=Shattered link=topic=27593.msg267935#msg267935 date=1144557087"> he made a plan to have her visit our city and meet all our friends and family.
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Yuck. That ranks up there with some of the creepiest things I've ever heard of an EX doing. That just sucks. Anyone who would do that to you may have serious issues.
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Wow- that felt good. Writing it all out I realize that I did not put enough value in myself. And I feel horribly stupid for being dumped 3 times. So how do I pick up the pieces? How do I move on from someone I have been with for almost half my life? I want to hopefully find someone new. But my self esteem is shot and I now have a real trust issue with guys. I can't imagine anyone wanting me.
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Welcome to Ojar. Most of us here have been dumped in some way or another. Moving on typically involves a combination of a good therapist, support groups, an attorney, and posting here when you feel like it.
Sudboy
Also I see you're from my hometown. Did you go to school there? Feel free to PM me if you like.
Re: How Do I Move on? sheeps: Start by thinking about yourself. Nobody else.
Re: How Do I Move on? Shattered: I'm trying to think about myself. But I am having troubles. I waiver too much. My whole life has been putting my energy into the relationship and not myself.
Any suggestions on little things I can do to start thinking about myself and not mourning the relationship I had? What is something I can do daily to reassure myself that I am the most important wonderful person on the planet.
Any good suggestions for books?
Re: How Do I Move on? Older Guy: I'm no expert but you could always look at yourself in the mirror evey day and tell yourself that you are a wonderful person going throguh difficult times and that you do need to mourn the relationship and go through the pain that it involves. And that you're going to do that because you do love yourself and it is necesary to deal with the pain to get rid of it someday because you are worth it.
OG
[quote author=Shattered link=topic=27593.msg267965#msg267965 date=1144560870">
I'm trying to think about myself. But I am having troubles. I waiver too much. My whole life has been putting my energy into the relationship and not myself.
Any suggestions on little things I can do to start thinking about myself and not mourning the relationship I had? What is something I can do daily to reassure myself that I am the most important wonderful person on the planet.
Any good suggestions for books?
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