Re: Why did I leave? need opinions!!! sosad05: Hi there, I left my 9-yr marriage. We were together since age 17. There were a lot of destructive behaviors on both sides. In the end, I was not at all attracted to him. I remember the last time we had sex, I kept thinking in my mind, "please let this be over." The weird thing is that I look at him and I still think he is a very physically beautiful man. But, I am not and was not attracted to him anymore.
Now, on the flipside. I do have some regret in leaving. I wish there were somehow things could have went differently. There are days that I miss him so much I cant stand it. But, I think what I miss was the familiar. But, I also know...staying with him would not have been fair to me or him.
I admit I especially started having regrets when he found a new woman. Even though, I didnt want him anymore, I didnt necessarily want anyone else to have him either. And you know what....that is just plain selfish.
Now, although I dont agree with the reasons that he's with the new person. And, I dont think he really loves her. Its not my place to do/say/or care. The day I filed for divorce, was the day that my "rights" to him were done.
So, why did you leave? I think you were unhappy and I think you were SMART in leaving her if you werent attracted to her anymore. You might have ended up marrying her, having kids, and cheating on her. Ten times worst. So, you did the right thing. But, a part of you still loves her unconditionally. You went through a lot together. My xh and I basically grew up together from age 17-30.
You have to STOP focusing on her and start focusing on you. Find the things that make you happy. Dont worry about what she is doing....its not your job. The best thing would be to cease contact.
Good luck. I know it hurts and its confusing. But, in time, you'll see everything more clearly.
Re: Why did I leave? need opinions!!! 2be: I disagree with Freckles.
Physical attraction in a successful marriage/relationship is mostly mental and emotional. Sure, a hot bod will turn on our "base" level attraction... the animalistic arousal of seeking to procreate with the healthiest of the species. It is purely animalistic. A "pill" at your age will do nothing except get your dick hard... but where is the mind? And the MIND is where you two have your problem.
LOVE, which is what humans have beyond any animal, sex is so much more. It sounds like you and her have an emotional disconnection which leads to the lack of physical attraction. You two being apart for so long and having great sex was merely feeding off the animalistic attraction. You saw her, got all aroused because it was so NEW every time, and humped like rabbits. When you were around each other all the time, it dropped off because you didn't have any emotional, mental connections to keep your brains aroused. They always say the MIND is the biggest sexual organ.
For a sexual realtionship to survive beyond the base physicality, it needs constant attention. Keep things active and live, and find those things beyond the physical that push your buttons. Sorry, but butts and breasts sag over time, men go bald, we all get wrinkles and liver spots...so if the relationship is based purely on physical attraction, it ain't gonna last. You might gross out thinking of two 75 year olds having sex, but that is a TRUE sexual, loving relationship because their sexuality is based in true love and not physical beauty.
My suggestion to you is find out about those things about her that turn you on beyond her huge tits or great legs. She needs to do likewise. The biggest problem I have found (and it happened to me, too) is we get too comfortable in our relationships and don't keep that spark alive and burning bright.
But of course, who knows if she is going to come back to you. Regardless of whether you messed up and left, it's not fair for her to keep calling you and say she loves you and misses AND has another guy already. If she wants to be with you, then she needs to let this other guy drop. If she wants this other guy, then she needs to stop calling you and prolonging YOUR forward growth.
Good luck....
Re: Why did I leave? need opinions!!! ih8BeinAlone: Thanks for the great reply's. I wasn't able to read this post over the weekend.
2be - that was very insightful. i think you hit the nail on the head. I was not attracted to her emotionally or intellectually.
sosad05 - i'm sorry to hear about your breakup. but thank you for the post, it definitely helped me realize that some of the emotions that i'm going through are normal.
Re: Why did I leave? need opinions!!! fiona: Attraction is more related to emotions than to physical appearance. When loss of attraction or change in physical appearance is used as an excuse for divorce/breakup or constant criticisms, it is more indicative that the person doing the criticizing is having self esteem or identity issues. It is not physical changes that are at the heart of the deterioration of a divorce/relationship. So the real question is.. what are you going through?
Re: Why did I leave? need opinions!!! ih8BeinAlone: fiona,
i never lost physical attractiveness for her. she was very attractive. the problem is that i just lost any sort of connection with her. intellectually i was not stimulated, emotionally i was not stimulated etc... what issues do i have? several, i drink too much, i went out with friends too much you name it. but i did that to escape her because i felt trapped. i'm just wondering why i felt trapped.
Click More for the next page.
