He wants it.....I don't.... Mist: Hi everyone. I am so glad to find this group. I am sorry that such unfortunate events are what bring us together.
I am 28 and the mom to three very beautiful girls.
I have been married once before and that ended in divorce that was very much my idea because he was abusive.
This one came out of left field.
My soon to be ex is a pathological liar. I asked him to move out in March so that we could pursue individual and couples counseling. I just needed some space while we were working on things.
Fairly soon I got the idea that he was seeing someone but he assured me that she was just a friend and that he really did want our marriage to work. I questioned him on it numerous times and EACH time I was assured that they are just friends and he wanted our marriage.
Two weeks ago that story changed. Now they were just friends but he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore and needed space. I did my best to give it to him while helping him to maintain a relationship with his daughters. At this point he was still swearing that they were just friends and not sleeping together.
Then she finally emailed me Wednesday. I had been struggling with whether or not I should email her for a couple of weeks. We quickly went from email to IM to phone. We talked till 3 am.
He was telling her that he had let me know but was going to have to be blunt because I was just not getting it. Needless to say she and I decided together to confront him because in our conversation there were several holes in his story for her too. Namely that between the times she was there he had slept with another woman.
During this conversation (which happened last night) between the three of us he told me he wanted a divorce.
My world has fallen apart. This man that I love with all my heart wants to walk away. I can't breathe. I can't do anything but cry. We made plans to fill out divorce papers on Sunday and we hope to file them on Monday.
I feel rushed but I have no choice in the matter. I asked him to contemplate some counseling to make sure its the right decision and on the phone he says he will but then he gets on here and in IM tells me that he isn't rushing into it and has thought it through.
I am lost. I am having a hard time dealing with this. I am scared about my future. I am having a lot of doubts about me and who I am.
What did I do to deserve this? What is so wrong with me? When did I fail him so badly to make him want to leave me? What is it about me that makes it impossible to find someone that can love me forever?
Re: He wants it.....I don't.... PickingUpThePieces: Hi Mist. Sorry that you have to find yourself here, but welcome to Ojar. :)
You'll probably find many at Ojar who have been lied to and cheated on (including myself). I'm sorry that your husband's decision during your separation was to find another woman, instead of committing to your marriage and working through your issues. He likely made up his mind about divorce long before the actual separation...
I remember your pain well...it hurts terribly in the beginning. We all, I'm sure, have asked ourselves those same questions, i.e. What did I do to deserve this, etc. We all had those doubts about our futures...You will probably hear this next phrase ad nauseum over the next few months, but it is true...it does get better, in time.
Try to take some time now for yourself. Eat what you can, try to sleep. It's difficult, I know...but any little step you can take will help. Spend time with family and friends who will give you support.
Take care, keep posting... :)
Re: He wants it.....I don't.... Chey: Hello Mist...thanks for posting, and finding us
Your story is very heartbreaking. Living with a pathological liar is in itself another form of abuse though, and you can't ever forget that. I lived with one for 4 years, and I'm still recovering.
The lies he spun were so elaborate and intricate that he believed them too after a while. He would emphatically defend them to almost the point of tears. I had to literally disprove them with concrete evidence before he would admit the truth. One of these lies was even to invent a family for himself that would email me (his own different email accounts), a past that didn't exist, and on and on and on. To the point where i now believe nothing, and that's the problem. Even if he DID come back you would start to doubt everything he said, and eventually it would tear at you.
I would always feel guilty because I never knew what was the truth and what was a lie because they both looked the same. 100% genuine. Now I choose not to believe anything unless I see it backed up by proof.
Unless your husband gets help for his issue, I hate to say it, but you might be better off without that kind of deception, mistrust and insecurity in your life :( I'm so sorry.
I wish I could tell you something positive that YOU could do, but this really isn't in your hands. He has to prove himself to you now by actually DOING something, not just coming home.
Best of luck
Chey
Re: He wants it.....I don't.... Mist: Thanks for the words of wisdom.
Yesterday I cried all day today I seem to be at better grips. We are going to fill out papers together tomorrow so I am not looking forward to that.
One day at a time I guess.
