Re: One small step for woman....... LostTeacher: i agree. at the very beginning, i kept a message that he forwarded to me, and the only thing he actually said was my name. i listened to it over and over.
but there were other things that broke my heart, and i couldn't listen to. like the fact that within days he changed our answering machine. it used to be my voice, saying "you have reached S and D...." he changed it to "you have reached 555-5555." it was so cold.
but it's a step. you will get there.
i understand the lonely part. sometimes if it wasn't for one friend of mine, and my parents, i wouldn't talk to a lot of people outside of work either. even right now, my friend is going to want me to go to the movies with her and her parents, and i am just wanting to be alone. it takes time. you have to sometims just go with the flow.
LT
Re: One small step for woman.......Correction.. sylvia3113: It really is one step forward and two steps back!
Well, thanks for the responses and encouragement. Sometimes I forget that I'm not the only one on this earth dealing with this stuff. I can't believe it took me 11 months just to get to the answering machine.
Those weren't even the GOOD messages!
As for the loneliness, that's what is really killing me & scaring me & making me question my ability to keep on. The fact is, people have stopped calling altogether. I've been so emotionally bankrupt & backwards & self-centered for so long that I guess I've driven away the few friends that I had left after moving away 6 years ago. I have no friends in this town & my xh just delivered what has turned out to be a huge blow for some reason.
His lease is up next month (a year since he moved out of our home) & he recently told me he was just going to stay in his apartment. Well, tonite he told me he's looking to buy a house in a small town about 20 minutes from here. I can't stop crying. I feel even more alone now than ever.
For one thing, he's the only one I have in case of emergencies. If my car breaks down or something happens with the dogs or the house or I have a medical emergency, I can count on him to help me. Now I have absolutely NO ONE! My parents & siblings are 35 miles away & I don't like to call them all the way over here to drop me off at the mechanics or something silly like that.
For another thing, all the tools & junk in the garage are his. I've just been storing it for him because he doesn't have room where he lives now, but I USE alot of that stuff for yard work.....the lawnmower, the shovels & rakes & tools. I know it's silly, I can buy new stuff......but, when he finally takes it .....well, that's the last of his stuff. That's it. And he's been keeping me on the cell phone plan until our 2 year contract expires (June) and I'm gonna have to get my own plan now.
I've been toying with the idea of moving the 60 miles south to a big city where I now work, but I'm scared. I don't have ANYBODY there to help me or hang out with or anything. And if I''ve managed to live in this town for 6 years without making one new friend, it probably won't be any different there. and the cost of living is much higher too. I've been petrified with indecision for 11 months now. Maybe this is a sign.
I'm just so lost. I can't stop crying. I think it's a little PMS, but mostly it's just backward old me. How did I turn into such a loser? I mean seriously. I'm educated, intelligent, funny (or so I'm told), independent, organized and a few other positive things, but my social skills have gone out the window. I've never been a social butterfly or anything, but I've never had this many problems all compounded. I've always had friends to do things with and talk to. WTF happened to me?
Ok, pity party giving me a headache. Going to bed, I think.
Re: One small step for woman....... LostTeacher: you are telling my story.........i never was a very good social person. not like it's any better now. i am good with certain people, but like tonite....i am alone, no one to really hang out with, nothing to really do, and there is no way that i am going somewhere by myself. there is a bar i can go to, where i would most likely find someone i know, but i could never do it.
it's getting used to being by yourself. being ok with not having someone around. i've gone through a lot by myself the last few weeks. i've had to rely on myself to get me through some very tough times. and it's made it hit home how alone i really am. it's not a terrible thing, but it's something i still have to get used to.
it gets better....it gets easier. don't know yet how long it's going to take, but it's gotta be soon!
LT
Re: One small step for woman....... overwhelmed: I'm with both of you on this one. It's Saturday night and I'm home alone. When I met my stbx husband I had just gotten out of college and my friends all seemed to go their own way. I became friends with all of his friends, but it seems when he walked out so did they. I have no idea how to meet new people. I'm friendly, but shy. It doesn't help that I have 2 young children who need most of my time and attention. Some days I want to be alone, but somedays a friend (or 6) would be nice too! I spent the day cleaning out my Grandparents' house (they've both passed away recently) and it made me very lonely. How does a shy, 30 year old woman with 2 kids meet new people? I guess with my kids I will never truly be "alone", just lonely.
Re: One small step for woman....... sylvia3113: That's just it, I don't mind being alone.....but the loneliness.....that's something else. The silence is deafening. The non-ringing phone, the non-dinging doorbell, the stupid impersonal joke emails that are the only one's I receive.
It sucks knowing that my built-in partner, companion and dinner date is gone. At least when I was married, I had the choice of doing things alone, but I didn't HAVE to, now I have no choice, that is the only option.
I think I just have to make a conscious decision to go out and do things alone (which I used to do all the time before I met my husband). I used to eat dinner alone and see movies alone and hike and shop and plenty of other things. I need to renew my interests in things that are not my husband. I don't think I'm just gonna fall into anything, I'm gonna have to self-talk myself into everything.
Too bad some of us don't live closer, we could start a "live" divorce recovery and activity group. :D
