hello again everyone. specialk: Well, where to start. No one probably remembers me here. And am not surprised since, I last posted September 2005. I had a username that I forgot. So I registered today with a new handle.
Well in sept 2005. my wife left me, and took the 3 kids with her. Naturally I was devastated. Unlike a lot of people who ended up with a broken heart over their spouses.
It didn’t bother me.
What crushed me, was loosing the kids. When I first posted on this site, boy I was in terrible shape. I would say that at least 4 months since September 2005. my life was a living hell. It just hurt so much, that I cant be with my kids. I just was not willing to accept this new reality.
Like many here, I questioned my purpose, to continue existing. I never tried to kill myself. And I never would. But, I did wish that a bus would run over my skull and crush me to death.
Even sleep, had become painful. I would dream in my sleep of the kids. In my dream I would sob. And wake up in the middle of the night and sob more.
I would awake in the morning, and a million thought would flood my brain,
Walking the streets, was a nightmare. Every time I would see a parent walking with their kids. Or I hear kids playing in a park. I would burst in to tears.
I ended up on ant depressants. And I just wanted to feel high, so I would not have to think about the kids 24/7. it worked for a few weeks. But, I ended up having 3 seizures, and was rushed to hospital. On one of the seizures, I fell down a flight of stairs, and gashed my head open.
I hung in there. I started counseling and seeing a shrink as well as cutting down meds.
And by feb 06 I started to feel better. She had already started a relationship with someone.
Me, I stayed single. Everything was going gr8, she could see I was happy. So she decided to dish up some cruelty. I think, I may be wrong but, she is doing this coz, she aint happy.
And she was always like that. If she isn’t happy she will ruin your day.
If momma aint happy then… well you know the rest.
My only weakness is the kids. So she cut off my visitations by January. Then cut off phone access. It was sporadic, if I called and the parents answered then I would talk t the kids.
We went to court april 20th 2006. I hadn’t seen her for ages. She came all tarted up, looking very nice. In truth I did the same.
The first thing she did in the waiting area was call her boyfriend and laff/ giggle. And said “ after the court we will hang out” I didn’t care.
Well am almost there. I still feel devastated about the kids. And I almost sob but, am able to contain the tears. I don’t cry when I see other kids.
And I have dating in a feverish manner. Back in sept05/jan06 girls wouldn’t even look at me. I guess they could see the dejection on my face. Now, I walk downtown. and am starting to get lots of attention, which I attribute to the renewed vigor and confidence that they can see on me.
Guys and girls, take it one day at a time. Do not think beyond that day. Whenever a thought in my mind came of the kids, I would change the subject. And think of some thing different. The worst thing to do is dwell, on things. Or starting to listening to depressing music. It will eat you away.
Remember, love is a chemical. That is released and resides in you. when your lover leaves you . your body is addicted and is calling out to you to give it the next fix.
Eventually, by not feeding it. The chemical will leave. And you will be ready to love again.
Oh, I thing that really helped me is, daily writing out my thoughts. And start to write poetry. You will be surprised, how creative you can be when you going through an emotional upheaval.
Goodluk to all, and you will be smiling soon.
Sorry no time to edit..
