Separated 6 months today...the life lessons continue... Irony: On October 23, 2005 my wife moved out of our home, wanting 'space'
My initial reaction was anger, disbelief, abandonment, and the overwhelmiing need to under stand WHY.
We had gone through a lot of pain in our short marriage (three years) and had finally learned ot get along with each other, but by then she had had 'enough' and wanted out.
Two weeks after moving out, she informed me that she wanted a divorce and wanted to do it in as friendly a way as possible.
For those of you who don't know my history, here's a snapshot:
I was previously married to an alcoholic for 23 years. She died in an auto accident 6 years ago.
A year and a half later, I met D__ online.. she was from Georgia, I from New Jersey. Funny how we met... I had logged on to a dating site to cancel my membership. I found her picture and profile there and put her on my 'friends' list, even though she lived far away. After being distracted by a phone call, I logged off without cancelling my membership. Several days later I logged back on to cancel again, and found that I had an email from her. She told me that she rarely contacted people out of her area but found something interesting inmy profile..
We corresponded and did instant messages on the dating site and found that we had a mutual instant attraction. We proceded to MSN and AIM instant messaging and emailing each other. One day, between emailing, IM'ing and phone conversations, we spent almost 12 hours together and decided to meet.
Well...
I flew into Savanna airport and saw her for the first time.. I had walked past her and turned around to look for her and, well, our eyes met, and WOW! She had me!
We spent 4 of the most wonderful days of my life in a nice little bed and breakfast in Ssavannah, touring the city, discovering each other, and making wonderfull love. She was so different from anyone I had ever met.. she was warm, compassionate, funny, beautiful, and passionate, educated and bright.
We both knew there was something different here.
After Christmas, she came up to NJ and we spent New Years eve together. I dropped an engagement ring in her champaigne at midnight and she said yes.
What followed were 6 and a half months of trips back and forth between Georgia and New Jersey.. every few weeks we would get together for a three or four day 'weekend'
It was the most romantic time of my life.
I found that she became my muse.. she inspired me to write poetry.. to do so many creative things and do them I did.
We both agreed that we had found the loves of our lives.
We were married on the beach on the north end of Captiva Island, Florida, at sunset. We fashioned our own wedding vows and it was just the 4 of us.. her, me, the preacher, and God. (oh, and about 10,000 mosquitoes, but that's a whole nother story
We enjoyed the island, and then drove to Key West for the rest of our honeymoon.
It was wonderful, in spite of the large amount of rain we encountered.
She sold her house in Georgia, to move to New Jersey.
Her son came to live with us.
Her son was a sensitive, but somewhat troubled 18 yr old, and I was totally unprepared for how he and I got along. My ego got in the way of understanding his problems and behavior and things went sour quickly.
Today he and I have become friends and communicate regularly. He is now 23 and graduating college and I am very proud of how he has matured and achieved success.
But the damage from those early days had been done.
The battles between her son and I had taken their toll on our relationship and things only went from bad to worse.
She became angry and argumentative.. I allowed myself to take it personally instead of hugging her, and either argued back, defended myself, or retreated into my 'cave' where I would sometimes stay for hours, days, and sometimes even weeks.
When I shut down emotionally, she would interpret it as anger and react in anger, which made me angry, and the whole crappy situation would descend into a hellish and uncomfortable situation.
(continued)
Re: Separated 6 months today...the life lessons continue... Irony: Add to this.. I had sold my business of 30 years, we had moved to North Carolina to get a fresh start in life, and unfortunately attempted to get into a franchise business that did not work out.. It was always supposed to happen 'next month' and we were strung along by the franchise company for a year and a half.
Top that with the fact that the closing on our house inNew Jersey took 4 and a half months to complete.. the buyer knew she had us over a barrel since we had already bought another house and moved away.. she took advantage and I went into a real blue funk.
The combined effect of the loss of my business, the sale of the house, the purchase of a historic 'fixer upper' downtown,and the very expensive restoration we were doing, combined with the lack of employment on both our parts to put a huge amount of pressure on our marriage..
We were in the house together 24/7 and that added even more pressure to an already strained situation.
We stopped liking each other.
Resentments grew and flourished.
My own son was about 12 or 13 at the time.. he had lost his mom and I admit to coddling him more than I should have. He is a sensitive bright kid who has a real hard time making friends with kids his age and in truth had (and still has) few friends.
My need to accomodate him began to interfere with our marriage.. another nail in the proverbial coffin.
Before we got married, I had a nanny to take care of my son, so D__ and I had been able to take weekend trips and do more things together when dating. I let the nanny go when we got married and hadn't realized the consequences of my actions... myson was now totally dependent on me. So there went the weekend trips, unless on the rare occasions when he could stay at a friend's house. This lead to more tension at home. I felt like I was stuck between my son and my new bride, and some nights I found myself alternately spending a little time with him and a little time with her.. going back and forth all night in a desparate attempt to give each the attention they wanted and needed... evidently I gave neither the attention they needed.
D___ felt neglected and felt the I was not treatiing our marriage as a priority.
I felt trapped in the middle.
She felt frustrated and increasingly lonely.
Things got worse when we moved to North Carolina.. no friends, no relatives, no jobs, my son in a new school where he was singled out for bullying and disdain as the new kid on the block.
My level of frustration at the situation was rising to the boiling point and I sank into a deep depression, all the while being in denial of that fact.
Depressed.
Unemployed.
I became negative, argumentative and controlling.. D___ got more distant and at the time I couldn't have cared less. Like I said previously, we stopped liking each other.
Hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars worth of counseling did little to stop the downward trend. In retrospect, I can see that D___ was trying desperately to save our marriage, while me and my huge fragile ego used the counseling sessions as a sounding board/soapbox to let the counselor know how I was being wronged.
D___ tried.
The counselor tried.
I dug in my heels.
What an asshat I was.
I'm sure I'm leaving loads of details out of this, but long story short, she informed me that she wanted to separate, a full year before she actually moved out.
The counselor got her to agree to stay until the end of the year... she stayed a whole year and things were no better. Finally I came to her in late July of last year and said to her that I thought she was right and that we should separate. We even went back to the counselor a few times to work out the details.
I really thought it was what I wanted.
Subsequently, I went back to New Jersey, just to get away. My son stayed with some old friends and I spent a good deal of time alone and thinking... I even went back to the places where I used to take long walks. While I was away, I had the realization that I had been the stubborn one and that I truly didn't want a separation, but that I wanted to really work on the marriage.
Finally.
Well, my newfound 'religion' was to no avail. D___'s mind had been made up and for her, there was no turning back.
In the beginning I did all the wrong things; I begged, I pleaded, I got angry. I brought out a copy of our marriage vows to wave in her face (yeah, like I had been true to those vows in my actions)
The die had been cast and she moved out 6 months ago today. I remember her hugging me that afternoon and crying and telling me, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to hurt you."
Hurt me? Oh my God.. I never thought a person could hurt as much as I did in the following two months.
I couldn't see that she was hurting as well, and that she had been hurting for quite a while, and the only way she knew how to stop her own pain was to extricate her from the situation.
(continued)
Re: Separated 6 months today...the life lessons continue... Irony: For those first few months, I sunk into a dark and dismal swamp of depression. It was truly the darkest time in my life. It hurt more than after my first wife died: she had no control of the fact that a pickup truck would hit her head on. She was dead and gone and not ever coming back.
This was different... it was like D___ was dead, yet not.
Thus began my two month 'anxiety diet" where I lost about 18 lbs. My main exercise was pacing the floor and screaming her name at the top of my lungs, pleading to God to make her want to come home, and making wounded animal noises.
Two weeks into the separation she informed me that she wanted a divorce.
I was devastated but tried to keep my cool.. I mean, here was the woman I loved giving me my pink slip.
I had been unchosen
What a blow to my huge and fragile ego.
Except for the few times she came over to collect her things, I tried to avoid contact with her the first 3 or 4 months...
Christmas was a mess.. we had been spending it with her family in Georgia and I loved those people. I did, however, always find a way to make D__ feel bad by saying I wanted to spend Christmas eve with my family sometime..
Truth be told, my family ain't all that much fun on Christmas... i get lost at my sister's in NJ, what with the orgy of buying and the throngs of people at her house.
At my baby sister's in Florida, I was faced with my erudite brother in law, and my aging mother who hardey knows if I'm there or not.
And after 23 years of having to spend every holiday with my previous inlaws, who where among the most despicable two people on the planet (more on that some other time) D___'s family was a pleasure. They treated me and my son like I had been born into the family.. they were loving... they were fun... they were alive.
During this time I had taken real estate courses to get my sales license. I had to repeat the first course because D__ had moved out in the middle of the course and I couldn't concentrate. Passed it the second time and went on to get my Broker's license.
I made friends... went places with them and met them at different places. I did more volunteer work at the local hospice, and generally tried to move on with my life.
I was feeling pretty good, but still missing her.
It wasn't until my brother in law emailed me a scathing letter about how D__ had ben living on eggs and grits for those months of separation and that they had given her a loan, that I came out of my self imposed no contact.
As soon as I found out, I fortified her checking account, bought her a month's worth of groceries and got her car fixed for her.
(continued)
Re: Separated 6 months today...the life lessons continue... Irony: I found myself doing these things and not expecting anything in return.
This was so different for me.
Something was changing in my way of thinking, but I wasn't sure what it was.
She needed to go in for a colonoscopy and needed someone to drive her home. I volunteered and we spent an hour in the waiting room engaged in friendly talk and even laughed a little.
When the procedure was over, she was still pretty narced out, and while she was standing and we were trying to get her dressed, she put her arms around me and said ,"I really love you, P___."
The doctor told me she wouldn't remember any of what had happened, but I sure was wishing he would give her more of whatever it was they gave her.
I took her home, put her to bed, worked with the cable guy to get her internet connection back up and running, and went home. Later that night i brought her a take-out order form one of her favorite restaurants.
Again, I did this with no expectation, just a good friend helping another friend.
Well, at the 5 month point, I hit a wall... All the bad feelings hit me again out of the blue. Back to being depressed.. making those wounded animal noises again, and bargaining with the Guy upstairs.
It was hell again and I found myself sinking back into the swamp.
Gradually things did get better.
D__ and I started doing some things together like going to dinner and to movies and such... I came out of that swamp with the awareness that this was truly the woman I loved above all others and that if she really wanted a divorce, then it was my place to see that she was happy, no matter how it hurt.
Again, I'm sure I've left a lot of details out, but this is my real story so far.
It's been an incredible learning experience for me, and I'm sure for her as well.
Although it's still very difficult to be treated like a casual acquaintance by someone with whom I was so intimately involved, I'm grateful to have her friendship... she helped me out during a recent hospitalization and showed true friendship by her actions.
I guess you might say I was lucky to have been able to love someone so much. While we may have started out with unrealistic expectations of one another, based on the brief time we knew each other before we got married, and all the baggage we carried in from our previous marriages, I can honestly say I love her more today than I ever did, and more than I have ever loved anyone in this lifetime.
We did have some wonderful times together in between all the anguish and tears, although the latter became pervasive as things had gone downhill..
I've come to realize that I never stopped loving her... I stopped liking her, but never stopped loving her..
I've also taken responsibility for my part in the demise of our marriage.. it's taken me this long to own up to my own part and to realize how much I hurt her through my actions, words and deeds, and all the things I didn't do or say. And I acknowledge what I did to help push her out the door.
So now you all know my whole story, lessons learned through a million tears and countless sleepless nights.
I’m sure there’s more to this, but I’m tired of typing right now.
Iron man
Re: Separated 6 months today...the life lessons continue... toofreshtothinkright: wow....
I'm the opposite. I realize what I did wrong to drive away the one girl I finally found that I wanted to marry...and I can;t get past that my actions drove her away after 4 years. I found out yesterday that she is already seeing someone we both know (her massage therapist) 2 weeks after she moved out. Living with this regret like this will be the ned of me, yet I don;t know how to put it down and be happy for her and walk away......
Click More for the next page.
