Why couldn't I.... toofreshtothinkright: There are so many things that have been in my head for this last month. I have already told you everything that is in me to tell, hoping it might make a difference at this point, but knowing it wouldn't.
It has been one month since you told me you wanted to leave. YOu said it with no emotion, and right there I knew that it was over. You told me many things I never knew that was giving you doubts all along in our 4 year realationship. Yet, after airing all your doubts finally, you refused to that conversation as a positive and how we really could have started a new path for us. You saw it as the end and never gave me a chance after hearing all of this doubt.
Yet, I convinced you to stay and try again. I know you said you would try, but you never did. I wasn;t even allowed to kiss you. You kept me at arms length due to your big exam that you had to study for, even though your personal training exam COULD have been written the following month. YOu didn' teven choose to give it a try....But I am there, in the light of finally figuring out everything that was wrong, helping you study for your change in career. I am dying inside, but try and help you as much as I can.
A day and a half after writing and knowing you did great, you left for good. I had to watch you walk out and drive away with packed bags from the place we called home. I never understood why, after all of the things we acheived as a couple and have overcome as a couple, why leave after finally bringing to light something that was causing darkness over a certain part of us.
This last month has been the lowest point in my life. I have had some horrible thoughts pass through my head, but always held on to the slightest hope that maybe down the road, things might work out. We both said we were so suited for eachother and loved eachother very much.
I know what I wasn't giving you - it finally came out that first night. You told me that the spark and passion was gone from your end.
I look back on the relationship and can understand why you have felt the way you have felt. I certainly am not remotely romantic and after 4 years, can honestly say I got too comfortable and took you for granted. You were the greatest girl any guy could ever want. You made me feel so young and alive. I know you wanted to get married. I know how I reacted to the topic (even when not pertaining to us), so I come to this:
WHY COULDN'T I HAVE JUST LET YOU KNOW HOW I FELT INSIDE????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Maybe I am used to putting on a macho exterior, but I was melted inside when it came to you girl. I pictured you in your wedding dress and us married on the beach, I picuted D.C. speaking at our wedding. Every time I heard SLIDE by the Goo Goo Dolls, I thought it would be a great song to play at our wedding reception.....
Re: Why couldn't I.... toofreshtothinkright: Why couldn't I have been more open to your needs? You never asked for anything other than what every girl would want in a relationship - to be appreciated, and loved and made to feel special in my eyes. I know you never felt those things, but you ned to know it wasn;t because I never felt them for you. Iniside, I pictured us walking our dogs that we were going o get, and tending to the yard of the house we both wanted. I saw us rocking in rocking chairs when we are 70 on our porch. But I never conveyed any of that to you. I assumed you knew how I felt.
You never heard any compliments. You never will truly understand how beautiful I thought you were - inside and out. It hurt liek hell the day you cam home and told me that "it's pretty sad when I look forward to hearing compliments from co-workers because I don;t hear them from my bf".
Why couldn;t I be a better bf to you? You were EVERYTHING I wanted. Why did criticize you when I had NO right to critize you? Why did I have to be a fault finder in you?
I know this drove you away. I am left with this thought:
You were everything I wanted. All I wanted to do with you was tackle life's challeneges head on with you. Why did I do this? I turned the most beautiful girl (who was 10000% in love with me)into someone who didn;t like themselves in the relationship. I crushed your spirit through me being me. I cannot forgive myself for that. I remember the way you used to look at me with so much love and so much love for life and optimism that I truly can;t believe I pushed you away with nothing more than me being my neagtive self.
Then yesterday, I find out you are seeing someone already. I already knew that you two would end up together because I knew you were friends and that you always spoke highly of him. I am not mad at you. I am mad at myself and this just reinforces that feeling of guilt and regret that I am feeding.
You now say that you know we weren't meant to be together. At least you can walk away and say that you've given it your all. I can;t because I never let you in on the way I really felt. That is a mistake that I am going to have to live with for the rest of my life.
I have learned a lot about myself and aw myself in a whole new light this last month. I can;t believe what I saw either.
I love you and I truly want you to be happy. I know you are now - you;ve told me. That is the hardest thing I ever heard, but don't let me hold you back any longer girl.....Be happy with him and experience everything that yI never let you experience with me. Ironically, it is a couple of lines from my favorite Pearl Jam song that sums up everything that has happened:
"Someday I know you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star in somebody elses sky. But why couldn't it have been in mine?
I love you Sarah more than you know or have known. A huge part of me died when you left and I have to try and move on. All I see is your smile, your ratty pink bathrobe, and those eyes looking at me saying "I've tried my best" I'll never forget the last hug we had before you left my life. How many times did I take that for granted?
Why couldn't I.....make you feel the way you made me feel. Why couldn't I?
Re: Why couldn't I.... budweiser143: dude i know exactly how are you feeling right down to the letter. that decribes just about everything in my relationship with my ex. we were together just over 4 years. she left about 5 1/2 weeks ago. my pain i dont know how to deal with, so now instead of bettering myself, ive turned to alcohol and other stuff to take the pain away. ya it takes it away temporarily, but at the end of the day the bottom line is i lost her for good and the pain is still there
